Do My Balls Work?: At-Home Male Fertility Tests Coming

April 29, 2014

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Do my balls work? Are my sperm swimming? Could my girlfriend get pregnant? These are all questions I am confident the answer to is no. I have been toasting my nuts with a laptop 14 hours a day for far too long for there to be anything alive down there. My balls are like a alien planet -- NASA would be pleasantly surprised to find a sign of life on them. And now two guys have developed a take-at-home male fertility test that can determine if your sperms are viable or not. *holding up cup* Uh-oh, mine are all yellow! "That's urine." I didn't understand the instructions on the side of the box.

Developers Greg Sommer and Ulrich Schaff say their new portable male fertility test allows men to monitor the quality of their sperm regularly from the privacy of their own home. Formerly with the national laboratory, the researchers say their new consumer product may be available by early next year.


"It allows men to test and track their fertility from the comfort and privacy of their own homes," Sommer told the Albuquerque Journal this week. "It's a portable, easy-to-use diagnostic system with the accuracy of a clinical lab test."

Hey, whatever works. Personally I am trying to NOT be fertile. But that's just me I struggle to even take care of myself. Could you imagine me trying to raise a child? "Don't even joke about it." Haha -- my mom, ladies and gentlemen! She does not want me making her a grandmother.

Thanks again to Thaylor H, who informed me driving with a Slurpee between your legs can do wonders for your fertility. You just have to name the baby 7-11 or Big Gulp when it comes.

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