Do My Balls Work?: At-Home Male Fertility Tests Coming

April 29, 2014


Do my balls work? Are my sperm swimming? Could my girlfriend get pregnant? These are all questions I am confident the answer to is no. I have been toasting my nuts with a laptop 14 hours a day for far too long for there to be anything alive down there. My balls are like a alien planet -- NASA would be pleasantly surprised to find a sign of life on them. And now two guys have developed a take-at-home male fertility test that can determine if your sperms are viable or not. *holding up cup* Uh-oh, mine are all yellow! "That's urine." I didn't understand the instructions on the side of the box.

Developers Greg Sommer and Ulrich Schaff say their new portable male fertility test allows men to monitor the quality of their sperm regularly from the privacy of their own home. Formerly with the national laboratory, the researchers say their new consumer product may be available by early next year.

"It allows men to test and track their fertility from the comfort and privacy of their own homes," Sommer told the Albuquerque Journal this week. "It's a portable, easy-to-use diagnostic system with the accuracy of a clinical lab test."

Hey, whatever works. Personally I am trying to NOT be fertile. But that's just me I struggle to even take care of myself. Could you imagine me trying to raise a child? "Don't even joke about it." Haha -- my mom, ladies and gentlemen! She does not want me making her a grandmother.

Thanks again to Thaylor H, who informed me driving with a Slurpee between your legs can do wonders for your fertility. You just have to name the baby 7-11 or Big Gulp when it comes.

  • This is interesting, but with men you are missing a crucial element. If you are making a fertility test for men you gotta play into their competitive nature. Don't tell us if we are fertile or not, tell us HOW fertile we are... make it a percentage or a point system and add a share button on it like a ps4 remote so we can immediately brag to all our bitch-ass friends about their weak-ass sperm.

  • Michael Civiello

    You need to join the marketing team.

  • Guest

    nope? damn you laptop.

  • just1nw

    I have no idea how accurate it would be, but I just saw a similar product in my local Walmart amongst the usual pregnancy tests. At $50 a pop (pun fully intended) this is probably cheaper than lab work for folks without health coverage.

    SpermCheck Fertility - Home Test For Men

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