Number Two With A Twist: How To Crap Like A Samurai

March 21, 2014


Allegedly this is a guide for how to crap like a real samurai. I have no clue if it's accurate, if they even used stand-up toilets, or anything else. I just like pretending I'm a warrior and figured some of you do too, so I'd post it. Although I always thought crapping like a samurai involved running a mortal enemy through with your sword, then crouching over the hole you just made.

The method his master taught for relieving oneself had been passed down for generations untold. When one would go to the outhouse, he would remove his right leg fully from his clothes. This was to give him full mobility. Yes, it would be odd to fight someone off when you were on the john, but imagine your feet being tied together when you were attacked on said john vs. your legs moving freely.

Secondly was body position and posture. The samurai would sit squarely on the seat, cross his leg so that his right ankle rested on his left knee (his left foot remained on the ground), place a hand on each knee, then straighten his back. Supposedly this aligns the bowels to help one from having to strain.

Admittedly, an interesting technique, but I've already perfected my own method of crapping. The GW way:

1. Hold it as long as possible.
2. When you finally feel there is no way you are not going to shit your pants, sprint to the bathroom, tearing off all your clothes on the way. ALL OF THEM.
3. Crush your penis in between the toilet seat and bowl rim because you were trying to sit down and put the seat down at the same time.
4. By this time you have probably already peed on the back of your legs, and are proceeding to crap. You are also probably crying.
5. Hang out for at LEAST 45 minutes. Remember: there's always more on the way.
6. Uh-oh, no toilet paper! Remember how you tore off all your clothes on the way in? Do NOT use them to wipe (although your roommate's towel is an option). Instead, get in the tub, point the shower head at your butt, and spread your cheeks.
7. That was fun, wasn't it? "That was f***ing awful." Haha, yeah, I don't know why I always do it that way.

Thanks to Side Effect, which may include irreversible bowel damage.

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