No Wonder They're Always Throwing $#iT: Bananas Actually Bad For Zoo Monkeys

January 15, 2014


In heartbreaking news for anybody who's ever dreamed of covering themselves in bananas and skydiving onto the monkey island at the zoo, a recent study conducted by the Paignton Zoo in southwest England has discovered bananas farmed for human consumption are actually bad for the monkeys. Hey, I'm as devastated as you are. Possibly even more so because I already got a Groupon for skydiving lessons. Plan B: crash the Super Bowl.

Bananas grown for human consumption are full of sugar and calories, and bear no relation to fruit grown organically," said zoo spokesman Philip Knowling.

"Life in the wild is hard work and in a zoo you can sometimes look after the animals too well and it isn't good for their health."

According to the zoo's head of conservation, Amy Plowman, the bananas' high sugar content could cause the monkeys to develop diabetes or similar conditions.

That's right, diabetic monkeys. Just when I thought the world couldn't get any sadder now I'm gonna wind up crying myself to sleep tonight thinking about diabetic monkeys. *sniffle* Those poor little bastards -- they don't know any better. They just ate whatever we put in their food bowl. *sobbing into pint of Ben & Jerry's I also poured a who pack of peanut butter M&Ms into* It just isn't fair. "Jesus, GW, you're like a woman." WHOA THERE, SEXIST.

Thanks to E V I L A R E S, who, as evil as he is, still doesn't want to see a monkey with diabetes.

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