I'd Try It: Young Dolphins Chew Puffer Fish To Get High

January 3, 2014


I'm so high I'm gonna eat this.

In news that shouldn't surprise anybody who's ever dreamed of being a drug-abusing teenage dolphin, scientists have discovered groups of young dolphins chew puffer fish to get high. Me? I chew puffer fish because I like the way their spines tickle the roof of my mouth.

Scientists found that dolphins apparently had learned just how much of the toxin would safely intoxicate them, and they carefully chewed the fish and then passed it among themselves.

The dolphins then entered what appeared to be a trancelike state.

"This was a case of young dolphins purposely experimenting with something we know to be intoxicating," said Rob Pilley, a zoologist who worked as a producer for the series. "After chewing the puffer gently and passing it round, they began acting most peculiarly, hanging around with their noses at the surface as if fascinated by their own reflection."

Whoa whoa whoa -- everybody knows rule number one of doing drugs is NEVER LOOK AT YOUR REFLECTION. No good ever comes from that. If I had a nickel for every hour I've spent watching my face melt in the mirror and telling myself what a worthless piece of shit I am, I could afford to go out tonight.

Thanks to PYY, who agrees there's no porpoise getting high if you're not going to enjoy yourself.

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