Google Buys Boston Dynamics, Heralds Apocalypse

December 16, 2013


Google confirmed on Friday that they purchased Boston Dynamics, the robotic company behind such killers as BigDog, ATLAS and Cheetah. Google plans to harness the power of the killing machines to take over the planet and herald a new age of robotic glory. You know who made the deal? Nobody -- it was all orchestrated by sentient computers. Okay I'm not sure if that's actually true but damn if I didn't just got goosebumps thinking about it.

It is the eighth robotics company that Google has acquired in the last half-year. Executives at the Internet giant are circumspect about what exactly they plan to do with their robot collection. But Boston Dynamics and its animal kingdom-themed machines bring significant cachet to Google's robotic efforts, which are being led by Andy Rubin, the Google executive who spearheaded the development of Android, the world's most widely used smartphone software.

The deal is also the clearest indication yet that Google is intent on building a new class of autonomous systems that might do anything from warehouse work to package delivery and even elder care.

Whoa -- that's the EIGHTH robotics company Google has bought in the last six months? I don't like the sound of that. Soon they're going to own ALL the robotics companies. And then what? "Game over." Yep, and not the cool kind of game over where the coach still takes the team out for pizza afterwards either.

Thanks to red, Jono, tuqueque and crisi miki wiki, who agree there should have been some sort of government anti-monopoly hearing before the deal was allowed to go through and doom humanity.

  • Owen ONelly

    Check out Prosthesis:

  • Vladeon

    Deus Ex got it wrong, it's Google not Serif Industries.

  • Google!

    The Guest account is obviously a Microsoft lackey. No one in their right mind would use the term "Scroogled"

  • catallergy

    I think we can trust the guy with the Google! screenname :)
    Btw, I used "scroogled" before the guest account did, but it was more tongue in cheek to make fun of Microsoft's horrible ad choice.

  • Guest

    of course, 2012 was the beginning of the end not the end itself, the world doesn't go out all at once. Its like how the world ended on aug 29 1989 when skynet came online...just nobody knew it yet. remember that google ai that was obsessed with pandas and learned to recognize cat faces long before human? remember how it was suddenly taken off line and never mentioned again?


  • Guest


  • baal

    Robotic delivery options. The fact that it doubles as door to door control systems that can easily be exported and sold to the military for weaponized drones shouldn't scare any of us. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

  • Konstantin

    Are Google still looking for henchm... still hiring?

    On a more serious note, I do feel slightly better about Google fronting the bill on these killer machines and not the U.S. Military. Maybe these machines will still come to tear my flesh into ribbons, but with Google, I'll at least know that there was a reason for it.

  • catallergy

    We've all just been scroogled

  • Mr. K

    STOP IT. (I'm going to go put my tin-foil hat on, now)

  • bclark


  • crisimikiwiki

    So it begins...

  • Tyler AitchKay

    "elder care"

    yeah thats a problem on the same fucking level as warehouse work and package delivery. Another inconvenience, right?


  • The Magnificent Newtboy

    That's a fairly good point, looking after the aged is not mindless manual labour.

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