Not Surprised: Professors Find Traces Of Herpes Virus On Library Copies Of 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'

November 18, 2013


First of all, there should be no such thing as library copies of Fifty Shades Of Grey. That's like back in the day when movie rental stores had adult sections -- you should not rent p0rno movies. Chances are the dude who watched it before you had his penis in his hands just moments before taking the DVD out of the player to return it. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Two Belgian university professors recently decided to submit the 10 most borrowed books at the Antwerp library to bacteriology and toxicology tests.

Traces of cocaine were found on all 10 books. The traces were small enough that readers would not feel the effects, but significant enough that they could test positive for cocaine.

But the real case of life imitating art was revealed when the scientists discovered traces of the herpes virus in the pages of the erotic tale Fifty Shades of Grey.

That's exactly why I don't check out books from the library anymore. I remember growing up I checked out a handful of Boxcar Children books, and you know what I found between the pages? A BOOGER. Some snot-nose little shit picked their nose and deposited it between the pages. Can you believe that? I'm also pretty sure I found a doodoo smear in a Hardy Boys book, but I've been trying to convince myself it was just pasta sauce for almost 20 years now.

Thanks to mike and Thaylor H, who don't want to find anything between the pages of books besides bookmarks, money, and golden tickets that get them into Willy Wonka's factory.

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