Damn Mother Nature, You Cruel: Women's Breasts Age Years Faster Than The Rest Of Them

October 23, 2013


I don't even wanna talk about how many variations of 'old lady boobs' I Google image searched before I started to get sick and just went with this.

According to recent DNA analysis conducted at the University of California, Los Angeles (where the majority of boobs are fake anyways), women's breasts age about two to three years faster than the rest of their bodies. So if you love a 28 year old woman, you're actually in love with a 31 year old's breasts. And I'm perfectly fine with that, as long as she doesn't make fun of my 9-year old penis.

As we age, the chemical signature of our DNA changes subtly, with genes becoming more or less methylated (that is, they pick up or lose certain methyl chemical groups) in a process known as epigentics.

They took 7,844 healthy tissue samples from 51 different types of tissue, with participant age ranging from fetus to 101. Then, they analyzed how methylation varied between site, allowing them to identify a subset of 353 regions of the genome that became either more or less methylated with age in almost all types of tissue. In turn, that can be flipped on its head to indicate the apparent age of tissue--a technique they validated against thousands of other samples.

Both sex's hearts were found to be around nine years younger than the rest of their bodies, which is crazy considering how much they work. I feel like I have the heart of an 80-year old widower. And, if we're being honest, probably the penis too. "Shriveled?" Heck no -- chock-full of boner pills with no place to go.

Thanks to Lyle, who told me how his landlord is a witch and floats around the apartment complex when she thinks nobody is looking. Okay I say move.

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