Choo Choo!: The Mini Rideable Train Of Your Dreams

October 21, 2013

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Whoa, bro -- socks with sandals and no conductor's hat?

This is the $23,000 Amusement Park Ride-On Railroad available from Hammacher Schlemmer (who else?). It's the 1:8 scale rideable train of your dreams. Could you imagine waking up Christmas morning to see one of these in your backyard? I would shit my pajamas AND the ones my mom makes me put on after.

Based on the classic narrow-gauge 2-6-0 Baldwin Mogul from the late 19th century, this backyard model is powered by four 250-watt, 24-volt DC motors that generate enough power to haul up to 1,600 lbs. at a 3% grade. The railroad includes 228' of 7 1/2"-gauge track, configured to create a 60' x 80' oval. An adult driver sits atop the 18"-high tender, controlling the locomotive's speed, forward/reverse throttle, and regenerative anti-lock brakes while two passengers sit in the 65" L x 17" W gondola car in front of a trailing caboose. The locomotive has an integrated 50-watt sound system that provides realistic, deep "chuff" and "puff" sounds that synchronize with the train's speed, accompanied by whistle and bell sounds, and smoke and steam emanating from the smokestack.

Not gonna lie, that 60' x 80' oval track isn't gonna cut it for me. If this thing is going to circle the perimeter of my property I'm going to need that cut to an oval no larger than 20' x 25'. My yard is so small the train engine will have to have its front two wheels on the back of the caboose like they're humping. Which they might be. Get it, Thomas the Tank Engine!

Thanks to Rhubarb, who's my brother and dad's favorite kind of pie.

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