Meet Birra Spalmabile, a beer-flavored spread from Italy. The booze jam comes in two flavors, Omid Dark and Greta Blonde, and each jar packs 40% beer. I tried to do some more research to see if they were actually alcoholic or not (which they should be considering BEER), but I couldn't translate the Italian very well. Of course, considering most Italians are drunk all the time (it's cool -- I can say that because I'm half Italian
stallion unicorn myself), I'm assuming so. Put it on some toast! Spread it on a piece of a cheese! RUB IT ALL OVER MY HAIRY, NAKED BODY. Especially around the nipples. More. Keep going. Cool, now crumble a handful of Ritz crackers on top and start licking.
Thanks to lilco, who agrees the best spreads are the ones specially formulated to not leave your bedsheets sticky in case things get messy (and they always do). And to Arthur, who seconds that notion WITH LOTION.