Nobody's Blowing Up This Wiener: Blast-Proof Boxers

August 26, 2013


These are ~$85 Blast Boxers. They help prevent injury to your privates in the event of an explosion, thanks to a patch of Kevlar sewn into the penis, balls and butthole region. They were originally designed for military use, but anybody with $85 can buy a pair. And as a guy who really cares about his privates, I want some (but just one -- I'll wear them everyday then wash them on Saturdays when I go commando around the apartment). Unfortunately, $85 is a little out of my boxers budget, so I had to go with plan B -- squishing my penis and balls into an empty soup can and wearing a pair of tighty whities over them.

Thanks to E V I L A R E S, who's so evil he sells 'blast proof' boxers with even less protection than regular boxers.

  • I thought this was going to be a joke article about farting blast proof underwear but this is serious business! I am glad someone is keeping our service men's junk safe. Someone has to, damnit!

  • inventormatt

    Available from BCB International. Inventors of said underwear.

  • They look like something a super-hero wear.

  • Bobert

    Well thats awesome, the upper torso will be destroyed, but thank god, the genitals are safe! Finally, we will be able to mourn our loved ones with the casket lid open.. the bottom one that is!

  • Guest

    This is actually serious. Having their genitals destroyed is an unspoken of but ubiquitous tragedy which befalls soldiers on patrol tripping IEDs. The shock wave of the blast is often highly directional and destroys soft tissue even where damage to denser bone and muscle is somewhat rehabable. It's really bad.

  • catallergy

    This was a big problem when I was in Afghanistan. Particularly with vehicular tripped IED's. Many times the soldiers inside survive, but because of the blast location, direction, and the seated position the soldiers are in, their genitals are often severely damaged. Being able to have sex and reproduce is very important to most men.

  • "Squishing" GW?

  • What's wrong with the word squishing? Perfectly good word.

  • The joke was GW was giving himself the benefit of the doubt with having to "squish" to make his junk fit in a soup can. Thems just jokes though, I'm sure he's hung like a pringles can.

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