ROCK SOLID ALIBI: Kid Accidentally Shoots Himself In The Privates, Tries To Cover It Up By Blaming Ninjas

March 18, 2013

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According to Chicago police, a 17-year old gang member shot himself in the crank and then went to the hospital and tried to blame the whole thing on ninjas. Now listen: I know it's hard to think straight when you've just shot yourself in the peen, but ninjas -- really? They don't even use guns. PIRATES BRO.

After the teen arrived at Loyola Hospital, staff noted that his injury looked to be self-inflicted. However, he told police that two men dressed as ninjas hopped out of a black van and shot him with a semi-automatic handgun while he sat in his car.


Police combed the area, conducted interviews and checked surveillance footage before coming to the astute conclusion that no ninjas were involved in the shooting. When they confronted the injured teen, he came clean. He was sitting in his car with a bunch of girls, most likely showing off with the gun, when he shot himself.

Wow, I can't even believe police bothered conducting interviews or checking surveillance footage. If I were the investigator I would have just sat there rolling my eyes and repeating, "Ninjas, huh?" until he finally fessed up. No word if any of the girls he was he was trying to impress at the time of his accident fell in love with him, but you know what they say: the fastest way to a woman's heart is whatever the opposite of shooting yourself in the pecker is.

Thanks to Tallon C, who has really been bringing it with the tips lately unlike other people like you.

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