ROCK SOLID ALIBI: Kid Accidentally Shoots Himself In The Privates, Tries To Cover It Up By Blaming Ninjas

March 18, 2013


According to Chicago police, a 17-year old gang member shot himself in the crank and then went to the hospital and tried to blame the whole thing on ninjas. Now listen: I know it's hard to think straight when you've just shot yourself in the peen, but ninjas -- really? They don't even use guns. PIRATES BRO.

After the teen arrived at Loyola Hospital, staff noted that his injury looked to be self-inflicted. However, he told police that two men dressed as ninjas hopped out of a black van and shot him with a semi-automatic handgun while he sat in his car.

Police combed the area, conducted interviews and checked surveillance footage before coming to the astute conclusion that no ninjas were involved in the shooting. When they confronted the injured teen, he came clean. He was sitting in his car with a bunch of girls, most likely showing off with the gun, when he shot himself.

Wow, I can't even believe police bothered conducting interviews or checking surveillance footage. If I were the investigator I would have just sat there rolling my eyes and repeating, "Ninjas, huh?" until he finally fessed up. No word if any of the girls he was he was trying to impress at the time of his accident fell in love with him, but you know what they say: the fastest way to a woman's heart is whatever the opposite of shooting yourself in the pecker is.

Thanks to Tallon C, who has really been bringing it with the tips lately unlike other people like you.

  • Not to embarrass you, Geekologie writer, but my podcast recently covered this same story in much greater detail and frankly with a far better sense of professionalism than this.

  • Closet Nerd

    Seeing ninjas on surveillance video is like seeing Honey Boo-Boo's mom at a Weight Watchers meeting...... you ain't gonna see that
    .....just sayin

  • cabbo
  • Closet Nerd

    That's a sand ninja..... wearing a hijab doesn't make you a ninja, just muslim
    .....just sayin

  • Max Baldwin

    This story would have been better if it were true. If the cops saw the surveillance footage and were like "Holy shit! He was telling the truth."

  • Lee

    *Makes a call* "Yes find this Baldwin and remove him" *hangs up*
    There were no Ninjas O_o

  • I guess now he'll just be......

    ....shooting blanks


  • Azariel_z

    Almost perfect!, but you skipped *put on sunglasses*

  • JJtoob

    Ninja, please, I sent you a few tips like five years ago and you didn't make posts about it. Also, of course police wouldn't believe it was ninjas, because the guy wouldn't have seen them anyway, but they still have to make an investigation in case it was some gangsters or something that this poor sap would have thought were ninjas.

  • Matthew Armstrong

    I'm guessing "coming clean" is something he won't do for a long time. Now bloody... that's another story.

  • he told police that two men dressed as ninjas hopped out of a black van and shot him with a semi-automatic handgun while he sat in his car. ... http://www.Chooseyourjob62d...

  • Matthew Armstrong

    I have to assume you are not serious, since you are advertising a work-from-home site. If not, this is a good chance for you to reference "sexually oblivious female" for clarity.

  • Tallon

    When I'm not sending tips, I'm making dolls out of GWs hair and watching Swim Fan over and over.

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