Uh-Oh: Harvard Professor Seeks "Adventurous" Female To Give Birth To Neanderthal Baby Using Artificial DNA

January 21, 2013


In "let's stop and think this through for a minute" news, a Harvard professor is looking for an "adventurous" female to give birth to a neanderthal baby using artificial DNA. If successful, the neanderthal child will grow up to be the most made fun of kid in the history of made fun of kids.

Professor Church of Harvard Medical School is one of the world's leading geneticists and believes his Neanderthal bone-sample analysis is now complete enough to reconstruct their DNA.

Professor Church's plan is to create artificial Neanderthal DNA based on the genetic code found in bone samples, then put this DNA into stem cells.

These cells would then be injected into a human embryo in the early stages of life, and would be strong enough to steer the embryo's development along Neanderthal lines rather than Sapien.

After a few days growing in a laboratory the 'neo-Neanderthal' embryo would be implanted into the womb of the surrogate mother.

Listen: I can't even BEGIN to imagine everything that's going to go wrong with this plan, and that's really saying something because I have a VERY active imagination. I seriously just spent the last fifteen minutes with a Cheez-Its box over my head playing space ranger and I felt like I was actually IN space. I'm going back as soon as I'm done with this post. But let's say by some longshot this does work out -- what about that poor neanderthal? He'll be the only one of his kind. Will he live in a laboratory? A zoo? SOCIETY? Do you think he'll need a drinking buddy? Because I'm kind of low on friends right now and he could make a good ice breaker with the ladies. Plus if they choose him over me I'll know it's time to give up on this life. Oh well -- back to space!

Thanks to neolardo and Thac0, who agree we should probably reverse engineer dinosaurs first.

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