BREAKING: Squeezing Breasts Could Help Prevent Cancer

December 20, 2012

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According to for-real recently conducted research, squeezing breasts may prevent malignant cells in the breast from turning to cancer. *quickly turns lemonade stand into free breast cancer prevention stand* Step right up, the doctor is IN.

Laboratory experiments showed that applying physical pressure to the cells guided them back to a normal growth pattern.


Scientists do not envisage fighting breast cancer with a new range of compression bras, but they believe the research provides clues that could lead to new treatments.

"Malignant cells have not completely forgotten how to be healthy; they just need the right cues to guide them back to a healthy growth pattern," said Mr Venugopalan, a doctoral student.

Squeeze often -- that's the real message here. Even in public. "I'm not sure that's the message." THAT IS TOTALLY THE MESSAGE. It couldn't be any clearer if it was this window. "That's a door." Why are you so against cancer prevention?! Also, no word if this also works for testicles, but I'm afraid to try.

Thanks to Bria and Scotty-B, who hate cancer and love breasts. Ditto, guys -- we should start a club. "There is one, it's called all of humanity." How exclusive!

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