That's Not Pretentious Enough: Caviar Vending Machine

November 28, 2012


This is one of the caviar vending machines recently installed around Los Angeles by Beverly Hills Caviar. Caviar prices range from $4/spoon for the cheap stuff up to $500/ounce for the primo eggs. The machines are estimated to have around $50,000 worth of merchandise in them at any given time, making them a likely target to be dragged behind my truck and crowbarred open at home. They don't JUST vend caviar though, they also sell bottarga (another version of cured fish roe), escargot, truffles, gourmet salts, and mother of pearl plates and spoons. You know, just in case you couldn't find any decent mother of pearl plates and spoons at the Mother of Pearl Discount Dinnerware Warehouse. You know, I actually knew a girl named Pearl in middle school and her mother was NOT easy on the eyes. Plus she thought it was funny to fart in the car when she was driving us to the mall. Pearl would always get so embarrassed and yell at her but she'd be all, "If God didn't want us farting he wouldn't have given us buttholes," then rip another one that sounded like a tire blowing. That usually made it worse. *rereading article* Classy as caviar.

Thanks to Lofi and PYY, who taught me everything I know about caviar, which is that they're expensive fish eggs. I feel like an expert!

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