Born On The 4th Of July: CERN To Announce Existence Of Higgs Boson "God Particle" On Wedneday

July 2, 2012

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Sometime on Wednesday, while I'm BBQ-ing my corn on the cob loving face off, scientists working with CERN's Large Hadron Collider are excepted to announce the existence of the Higgs Boson particle and NOT that the collider is pregnant having a girl (although Optimus Prime has been trying to collide his particle with the thing for several months now).

But after decades of work and billions of dollars spent, researchers at the European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, aren't quite ready to say they've "discovered" the particle.


Instead, experts familiar with the research at CERN's vast complex on the Swiss-French border say that the massive data they have obtained will essentially show the footprint of the key particle known as the Higgs boson -- all but proving it exists -- but doesn't allow them to say it has actually been glimpsed.

That's great and all, don't get me wrong, it's just hard to get too excited about something if you don't mention (IN LAYMAN'S TERMS) how it's gonna help me build a time-machine. You know what would be even cooler for CERN to announce exists on Wednesday? Ghosts. I'm joking, I could never sleep again. ALIENS.

Thanks to neolardo, Evil Ares and Eric T, who hope CERN scientists perform one last experiment on the 4th and end this planet in the fireworks extravaganza of a lifetime.

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