Apple Unveils The New iPad, Is What Was Expected

March 7, 2012


In an unsurprising announcement that shocked no one (I even dozed off for a little), Apple unveiled the next generation of iPad today and it has pretty much all the features that were expected and none of the ones I was hoping for (x-ray vision, 3.5" floppy drive, penis-shaped ON/OFF switch, etc.). A quick rundown:

- 2048 x 1536 Retina Display with 44% more color saturation for clearer-looking porn
- New A5X processor and graphics module with 4x previous graphics performance
- 5MP digital camera (equivalent to iPhone 4S's), can shoot 1080P video (because?)
- Dictation ability so you can talk to your iPad instead of typing and look like a crazy person
- 4G LTE compatable for faster cellular downloads on both Sprint and AT&T networks
- Available March 16th and priced at $499, $599 and $699 for 16, 32, and 64GB Wi-Fi only models and $629, $729, and $829 for 4G LTE compatibility.

Well, there you have it. I've never owned an iPad but always kind of wanted one but then seen the price and been all, whoa bro -- a lot of beer. Do I need beer or do I need to be able to play Scramble with Friends on the shitter with a bigger screen than the one on my iPhone? "Neither -- you need hard liquor." HA -- you saw through my ruse! God, you really get me, don't you?

Apple's Official Site
New iPad HD: The Third Generation [gizmodo]

  • David McAninch

    I work at a pretty popular electronics store and I am not looking forward to going to work next week because of this.  Several things are going to happen.

    First people are going to constantly ask the question, "so whens the iPad 3 coming out?" even though the have a smart phone that they can talk to and provide them with the same information. And for you macfans, voice dictation for tablet devices, let  alone phones, has been out far longer than siri. That's the benefit of owning a product you have full access to.

    Second they will either want the current iPad 2 discounted for some ridiculous price, (this currently happens under the guise of "so i hear the ipad 3 is coming out later this year, anyway you could take $100 off the this ipad2" OR want a full return on the ipad that they bought last month.

    Finally I will have to deal with management trying to train me on the new features of the tablet even though I could probably hand write a better spec/performance sheet (while intoxicated, under the influence of pain killers, and probably trapped in a coma) than everyone at the store. 

    I can't blame apple, they have done what they are supposed to do. They created a product and market it well. However they need to realize that the idea of "consumers don't know what they want, so we tell them what they want" is having some pretty bad repercussions. Remember the smug episode of South Park, with the electric cars. That's what apple has done to the world. A very large majority of the people who come in looking for an ipad or have one and are looking for accessories have the most rude attitudes towards everyone. I have been directly insulted, with very vulgar language,  because the store was out of stock of the $499 wifi and I was unable to sell the $599 for the same price.

    n_a_a_s pretty much said everything that there is to say about apple, "I wouldn't have such a problem with apple if it weren't for all the narcissistic snobbery their followers suffer from"

    And then like clock work ObamaPacman went forth and proved his point. with his ill thought of  insult, "Too bad fortune 500 companies are all adopting iPad and leaving you behind."

    I mean just look at the design of his argument. Which first of all is complete BS companies rarely adapt to new technologies because of their instability. I know organizations who are 2 generations behind on software because of the unstable releases that are currently out. But that's besides the point. His argument has done the exactly what naas said. first he takes one of the most prominent bushiness groups (F500's) and compares them to an individual, immediately making them seem dwarfed and useless, and secondly he sates  that the individual is being left behind for not complying with the viewed standards of success.

    On the other hand I am going to hope that ObamaPacman is a troll because if he isn't I relay don't want to live on this planet anymore.

  • Guest

    Nothing new about new I-Devices...rather just expected. 
    I'm not really an Apple person, I prefer the other tasty fruit. bada bada badda boom BlackBerry.

  • TheTorish

    Who gives a shit? Move on to posts which anybody besides lunatic fanboys care about.

  • TBozzly

    Hmm, this should have been in reply to my comment replying to ObamaPackman...

    Oh wait......i feel bad now, its a rule of mine, don't troll actual retards.....From your site:

    You know iPhones, iPad, and iPod… those ubiquitous gadgets that people love to use
    But do you know iPod and iPhone are made by the highly innovative company called Apple, the maker of Macs? Do you know for over 10 years, Apple computers run a completely rewritten, fully featured, low maintenance, and highly intuitive version of UNIX certified operation system called Mac OS X? Well, many renowned, distinguished, prominent folks such as world leaders, top athletes, and those who attained success and fame do and have switched to Macs in recent years.
    This site covers stories on these illustrious individuals and celebrities including:
    US President Barack Obama
    George Clooney
    Lance Armstrong
    more celebrity users of Macs and Apple goodies

  • artilleryboy

    Rip off. They will release a brand new one a years time after this one is released.

  • edit* not sprint, verizon LTE

  • 5 MP Camera (Equivalent of iPhone 4S)? 


    iPhone 4S is 8MP negra, check me ho

  • JeffreySpur


  • grimbldoo

    "It is now even able to be used as a pad for that time of month!" No? Then it's not improved.

  • captainalphabet


  • Emmitt Morgans

    I'm sure it can shoot 1080p video... 1080p video that looks like CRAP!

    Seriously, Apple, if you put a GOOD camera into it I'm sure a few Apple-hater and Apple-neutral types (I, myself, am most certainly the latter since the days of the IIe have passed) might be interested in plunking down the $500+ for a hideously locked-down tablet that doesn't have a chance to operate anywhere close to its full potential.

    *goes to check out Windows 7 tablets on Amazon*

  • Leonidas Argidisouvlaki

    I only liked your comment by accident, because I wasn't paying attention. Apple aside, Windows is the biggest stinking shit pile in existence (Windows 7 especially so).

  • Emmitt Morgans

    As much as I don't like how much Windows WASTES system resources and just generally doesn't do things efficiently (or well), I'd much rather have a tablet device with Windows because then I know I can actually run programs with which I'm familiar and that I already have on a disc or drive.

    I just don't want to have to pay a bunch for a new device and also have to buy all new software, too... it's the same reason that I'm incredibly reticent to purchase new gaming consoles: I wouldn't own a PS3 if I hadn't been able to get a fully backward compatible one.

  • George Ragen


  • Guest

     "But it's better"... It's rather funny thing right?

  • n_a_a_s

    I wouldn't have such a problem with apple if it weren't for all the narcissistic snobbery their followers suffer from.  Overpriced technology is one thing, but the people - ugh.  These preppie know-it-all hipsters are the worst, someone please stab me in the fucking eye

  • Too bad fortune 500 companies are all adopting iPad and leaving you behind.

  • n_a_a_s

    your comment just proves my point, it wasn't necessary but thank you

  • Louis Kaplan

    How does that reply even make sense?

    The person you're replying to is saying that they don't have a problem with apple technology, just that people are snobs about it, and then you post something snobby about how their technology is useful to large companies.

    Apple products are really cool. The problem is that their marketing is something along the lines of "These products are for creative people!" and then every stupid, uncreative idiot with an apple laptop thinks they're an artist, even though they mostly use it for facebook. . . 
    I'd rather pay half as much for a product that does almost exactly the same thing.

  • He said people who buy apple products are "preppie know-it-all hipsters".

    I noted the contrary.

    PS. Apple popularized GUI, the mouse, multi-touch, Wi-Fi, multi-touch, etc. Maybe you want to boycott all of that.

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