Apple Unveils The New iPad, Is What Was Expected

March 7, 2012


In an unsurprising announcement that shocked no one (I even dozed off for a little), Apple unveiled the next generation of iPad today and it has pretty much all the features that were expected and none of the ones I was hoping for (x-ray vision, 3.5" floppy drive, penis-shaped ON/OFF switch, etc.). A quick rundown:

- 2048 x 1536 Retina Display with 44% more color saturation for clearer-looking porn
- New A5X processor and graphics module with 4x previous graphics performance
- 5MP digital camera (equivalent to iPhone 4S's), can shoot 1080P video (because?)
- Dictation ability so you can talk to your iPad instead of typing and look like a crazy person
- 4G LTE compatable for faster cellular downloads on both Sprint and AT&T networks
- Available March 16th and priced at $499, $599 and $699 for 16, 32, and 64GB Wi-Fi only models and $629, $729, and $829 for 4G LTE compatibility.

Well, there you have it. I've never owned an iPad but always kind of wanted one but then seen the price and been all, whoa bro -- a lot of beer. Do I need beer or do I need to be able to play Scramble with Friends on the shitter with a bigger screen than the one on my iPhone? "Neither -- you need hard liquor." HA -- you saw through my ruse! God, you really get me, don't you?

Apple's Official Site
New iPad HD: The Third Generation [gizmodo]

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