You're Cooking My Meat!: Wi-Fi Destroys Sperm

November 30, 2011


As a guy who spends 10+ hours a day with a laptop resting on his already unimpressive genitals, this is pretty serious news. Kidding, I can't have children. Get it? Women just find me so unattractive! I touched a titty one time but it was a friend of my older sister and I think she just felt bad for me. Plus she had this giant f***ing mole on her neck with a FOREST of black hair growing out of it so she wasn't exactly a fairytale princess herself. Wi-Fi: it's frying your sperms, homey.

The study, published in the journal Fertility and Sterility, collected sperm samples from 29 healthy men, aged 26 to 45. Each of the samples were then separated into two pots.

One set of samples was placed beneath a laptop connected to the internet via Wi-Fi as it downloaded information, while the other set was stored under identical conditions - including temperature - but away from the computer.

Around 25 per cent of the sperm in samples exposed to the laptop stopped swimming compared with 14 per cent of those kept away from the computer.

Similarly around nine per cent of the sperm exposed to the laptop showed DNA damage compared with three per cent in the control samples.

Whatever, I'm tired of caring. Everything is either killing you or destroying your nuts, okay? Especially if it's fun or you enjoy doing it. Except sex. Sex is actually healthy. What's wasn't healthy was the time I was putting the toilet seat down and sitting simultaneously and accidentally crushed my peen between the seat and bowl. IT MADE F***ING SOUNDS. Like Rice Crispies right after you add milk.

Wi-Fi laptops may damage sperm [yahoonews]

Thanks to Ramen, who, of all people, I would trust to know about noodles.

  • Me

    Free vasectomy AND population control. It's a win-win !

  • Fabien Gauchard

    Is it really possible to cook a egg on a laptop ?

  • hewittbryan

    Laptops give off heat.. DUHH? No shit the one not on the laptop isn't going to be as damaged.

  • The Chadwick

    Another thing which I have not seen discussed.  The laptop does not just rest on our groin it also sits on our thighs.  And what is in our thighs?  Our femurs.  And what do femurs do?  Produce our red blood cells.  I think of those wifi signals penetrating our femurs and the damage it can be doing.  Luckily I was always a desk top kinda guy, got my first laptop (a macbook pro) two years ago.  After I began reading these articles maybe a year ago.  I stopped putting the laptop on my lap.

    I have a great idea for how to prevent it (that is if you don't want to put it on a table and keep it on your cock n legs), its such a great idea, I am actually going to draw up some diagrams and visit the closest patent office.

  • what about lady eggs?

  • doesnt matter had wifi.

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  • eljenxo

    Time for Wang Computers to make a comeback.

  • Johnzy

    NOTE TO SELF: Rest nuts under laptop at least 6 hours a day that way i wont have to go in for vasectomy. :)

  • the laptop's heat would've killed the sperm cells. too much heat is bad for sperm hence the reason why we have nutsacks, because our body heat is too much for the sperm to be healthy. So many stupid people in the news these days

  • Neil Dattani

    What a bunch of crap.  Whoever even came up with this "experiment" should be shunned from the science world!  Sample size is WAY too small.  And the study would have made sense, had it been 2 pots:  the experimental set being placed under a laptop with wifi downloading information and the control set being placed under a laptop not using wifi/downloading information.  My type 1 error senses are tingling!

  • >placed beneath a laptop
    >Laptop battery produces some sort of radiation

  • Hey, it´s alright. Remember we are producing tons of spermatozoids every day. So if you want to have children just turn off your laptop for a couple of days, and Masturbate -A LOT-, to replace the spermatozoids exposed to wifi. You´re gonna have healthy sperm in just a few days.

  • Jimmy_69

    Yes, but how will I Masturbate-A LOT- without wifi?  Catch 22 my friend.

  • $18922249

    N=14/15? Meh... That is some type I error bullshit right there.

  • Guest

    Haha, nobody likes roasted nuts. Better buy some alunium boxers.

  • JeffreySpur

    Gotta turn on wifi more often!

  • Ozimov

    yes. hopefully there won't be any kids around soon?

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