First Lab-Grown Burger Coming Soon, $345,000

November 15, 2011


What you're looking at are incredibly thin pieces of lab-grown beef. Pretty appetizing, right? "They look like scabs with little pieces of Band-Aid stuck in them." Mmmmmmm, scabs. I just had one on my knee that was almost ready for harvest but it came off in the bed and I haven't been able to find it. Sucks too, it was a thick one.

These petri dishes contain thin strips of 100% lab-grown muscle tissue, synthesized from animal stem cells harvested from slaughterhouses. They contain no blood and no fat (hence the weird look), and are "exercised" by being stretched between a couple tabs of Velcro. By piling about 3,000 of these strips together and throwing in some synthesized fat, it'll be possible (within the year) to create the first ever burger that didn't come from an animal. Once that has been achieved, we can set about tweaking the meat to look and taste the way we want it to, which shouldn't be too difficult.

So, for all you meat-eaters out there: what do you find more bothersome: knowing that the meat you're eating came from something that used to have a face...or didn't? Because I used to know this guy at the Underground Pub in Blacksburg who told me he once infiltrated a top-secret government testing facility where they were growing human organs in human "factories" that didn't have heads or limbs or anything like that. That shit freaked me out. Plus one time he stood in front of the dart board backwards and made us throw darts at him.

$345,000 will buy you a hamburger grown in a petri dish [dvice]

Thanks to beebs, who doesn't eat anything that comes from a lab except cotton balls. Those...aren't part of the food pyramid.

  • I've heard about this before and it doesn't sound convincing, a big part of the taste and texture of really good meat is the blood (particularly if you are like me and like meat rare).  This has none of that.   Until they can synthesize the juice too the best they can hope for is competing with the crappiest of fast food restaurants.

  • I would choose a real burger over this disgusting shit any fucking day.

  • Kevin

    Sure, you would't eat it. Probably tastes synthetic. Maybe it would serve as a good protein supplement for those who are malnourished. Maybe warm it up a little and give them a hot beef injection.

  • Azariel_z

    Annnnd, whats the difference from the alien worm "meat" looking thing they use on the BK' and Macs?? 

  • zeldasbff

    This is one of those things where I say "Fuck no I wouldn't eat that!" But if I ate it unknowingly and it was good, and then someone told me what it was, I'd be like, oh well, gimme another.  I'm sure it's nothing some BBQ sauce can't fix.


  • Cryptolizard

    Technically they did still come from an animal... nom nom nom.

    'These petri dishes contain thin strips of 100% lab-grown muscle tissue, synthesized from animal stem cells harvested from slaughterhouse'

  • Baz

    But they don't have to kill an animal to make it. Theoretically, some day, they might be able to take ONE real meat sample from one dead cow and make infinite numbers of fake cows worth of meat from it.

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