(Not A) Fair Fight: Taser Glove Laser Thingy

June 1, 2011


Always getting into fights? It's your face -- people find it offensive. Wear a mask like I do. Kidding, I just don't ever go out. The BodyGuard (not to be confused with the movie I've never seen and have no intention of) is the lovechild of a ballistics-nylon arm bracer, video camera, flashlight, 500,000-volt taser and laser pointer. That...must've been one hell of an orgy. It was designed by David Brown (not Charlie, Dan or Doo Doo) for use by police and corrections officers to help defuse potentially dangerous (read: stabby) situations. A make-believe scenario that doesn't involve tasering your roommate while he's passed out on the couch:

A robber is cornered in a dead-end alley. He turns to face the police officer pursuing him, ready to fight. He pauses. The officer's left forearm is encased in ballistic nylon, and half a million volts arc menacingly between electrodes on his wrist. A green laser target lands on the robber's chest. He puts his hands up; it's a fight he can't win.

Not gonna lie, I guarantee I'd still wind up tasering myself. Probably while in a compromising situation. "Like trying on women's clothes?!" No (although I do do that), like trying to get up off the john with numb legs. I wouldn't go in there for awhile, bro -- smells like burnt wiener. Wasn't me though, I just noticed it. "But your pants are charred." I HAD DIABLO HOT WINGS FOR LUNCH.

2011 Invention Awards: A Crime-Fighting Armored Glove [popsci]

Thanks to R-Man Thunderfist and Jacob, who fight with Power Gloves on and usually lose.

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