This $17,000 'Skier Controlled Tow Boat' from Hammacher Schlemmer may look like a Jet-Ski, but it's actually a full-size boat that's been shrunk with a shrink-ray. SIKE -- THIS AIN'T NO GOOFY-ASS RICK MORANIS SHIT, THIS IS REAL F***ING LIFE! (Read: it's a modified Jet-Ski)
A six-button control panel on the tow rope handle sends signals to the boat, allowing skiers to start, accelerate, decelerate, turn, or stop the vessel with slight thumb movements. The nearly 8'-long boat has a three-cylinder, two-stroke 70 horsepower engine with jet pump and axial flow propulsion, generating speeds up to 40 MPH and creating wakes for jumps and other tricks. The jet propulsion engine is safer than propeller-powered crafts and provides superior acceleration and quicker planing--the time required to bring the skier and vessel level with the water surface.
You know what this sounds like? A great way to accidentally kill yourself in the middle of a lake with nobody around. OMG OMG -- I'm totally gonna jump this fallen log! *CA-CRACK!* END SCENE
NEW SCENE, THE GATES OF HEAVEN
Saint Peter: Smooth move, dipshit.
Hit the jump for a shot of the controls, a closeup of the boat, and a video news report about the latest in friendless watersports (no not like peeing on yourself!).
Thanks to Gus, who water-skis with a jetpack on and doesn't care how many mermaids try to look up his swim trunks.