AT&T To Buy T-Mobile For Cool $39-Billion

March 21, 2011


AT&T just announced their intention to buy T-Mobile for a whopping $39-billion. Hopefully they'll rename the company AT&T-Mobile, but probably not considering they can't even stop my phone from autonomously sending nakey pictures of myself to random people in my phonebook whenever I get blackout drunk. Seriously, AT&T -- your network is f***ed.

Once the deal is approved, AT&T will buff up their 86 millionish customers with T-Mobile's 34 million subscribers--giving them around 120 million customers, making them way ahead of Verizon's 94 million. AT&T won't only be the biggest game in town, it'll be the only major GSM carrier in town.

Things might not change for a while--the deal's going to take 12 months to be finalized, if it's approved by the FCC and FTC--but since there is only one "little" major carrier left with Sprint, the big boys in Verizon and AT&T can now do and charge what they want knowing there's fewer places for people to flee. Sprint's going to be the only cheap major carrier around.

At closing, AT&T will immediately gain cell sites equivalent to what would have taken on average five years to build without the transaction, and double that in some markets. The combination will increase AT&T's network density by approximately 30 percent in some of its most populated areas, while avoiding the need to construct additional cell towers.

No word if the new towers will help prevent dropped calls when I'm sitting on the john talking to people and pretending I'm not in the bathroom, but hopefully. Oh that? I'm skipping rocks. Yeah, by the old railroad tracks. UUHHHHNNNNNN!! Now I just picked up and dropped a big-ass boulder in the water. Haha, are you buying this? Listen I gotta go I think I just popped a blood vessel.

AT&T Is Buying T-Mobile to Become the Biggest Carrier in the US [gizmodo]

Thanks to Michael and Vanessa, who need to stop bickering AND BLOWING MY SPOT UP. DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR CELL-PHONE PRIVILEGES?!

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