Jan 31 2011 WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THERE?!: Octopus Climbing Out Of A Beer Bottle


Ah, mother nature, you never cease to amaze. Except when animals at the zoo have sex right in front of me, then you disgust me to the point of having to look away while I blindly film it with my camera-phone. You know, for posterity. This is a video of an octopus climbing out of the mouth-hole of a beer bottle. Why on earth you'd ever want to leave a beer bottle once you got in it is beyond me, but maybe this guy doesn't drink. But you can better believe he still gets high with Spongebob. But not Patrick (meth-head).

Hit the jump for what I think we can all agree looks like a beer bottle giving birth to a hotdog.

Continue Reading " WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THERE?!: Octopus Climbing Out Of A Beer Bottle "

Jan 31 2011 The Stick Toothbrush: Now Cleverly Packaged


Not to brag or anything but I'm cleverly packaged too if you know what I mean. I mean my wiener can solve word problems all by itself. Got me through middle-school, just sayin'!

The "Miswak," a teeth cleaning twig used throughout the Muslim world in lieu of modern toothbrush models, gets updated packaging for Western markets courtesy of School of Visual Arts student Leen Sadder.

Traditionally, the Miswak's bark is chewed off to expose the brush-like fibers underneath, but for commercial purposes, Sadder opted to include a lid that doubles as a tip-trimmer.

I'd never actually heard of the Miswak before so I did some very brief research and found out it might actually be more effective than a toothbrush. WTF, ORAL B?!

A 2003 scientific study comparing the use of miswak with ordinary toothbrushes concluded that the results clearly were in favor of the users who had been using the miswaak, provided they had been given proper instruction in how to brush using it.

Granted that's just one study and I usually pass out on the couch without brushing my teeth anyways, but I actually like mossy teeth. Back me up, Ents! "It's true, he tries to climb in our mouths when we're asleep and lick our molars -- the kid's a freak". Wow, TMI Oak-face. Now shut your woodpecker-hole and and take me to Gondor.

Toothbrush Redesign of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Sue, who flosses with barbed-wire because her dentist told her it's good for the gums. Are, uh, are you sure that wasn't just the nitrous talking?

Jan 31 2011 BURNINATE!: Kid Makes Backyard Death-Ray Out Of Satellite Dish And Ton Of Little Mirrors


Seen here putting the hurt on a piece of dead tree (do your hand next!), 19-year old Eric Jacqmain demonstrates his homemade death-ray, which looks suspiciously like a satellite dish with a ton of little mirrors glued on. God, JUST THINK OF THE MOSAIC YOU COULD HAVE MADE!

When aligned correctly it can generate a heat spot a couple of centimetres across, with an intensity of 5,000 shining suns, the 19-year-old claims.

The ray generates enough power to melt steel, vaporize aluminum, boil concrete, turn dirt into lava, and obliterate any organic material in an instant.

'I have vaporized before carbon, which occurs above 6,500 Fahrenheit.'

Unfortunately for Jacqmain, his 'death ray' dish met it's own grisly end when it was destroyed in a shed fire.

Jacqmain added: 'Yeah. It "committed suicide". It's very likely that it was the cause of the fire. Nothing left of it but half melted wagon parts and the adjustable mount.'

HAHA! Well of course it set the shed on fire, IT'S A F***ING DEATH-RAY. A ray that can't even burn its own house down isn't exactly a death-ray, now is it? No, it's not. It's a sissy-ray and deserves to sleep in the yard with a tarp over it like the sissy-sandbox the cat still shits in. MAYBE IF YOU WERE QUICKSAND THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

Hit the jump for a video of the ray in action that may or may yes be set the the awesomest soundtrack I've ever heard.

Continue Reading " BURNINATE!: Kid Makes Backyard Death-Ray Out Of Satellite Dish And Ton Of Little Mirrors "

Jan 31 2011 OMG -- I Can See The Bone *Passes Out*: Mortal Kombat's Brutal New 'X-Ray Mode'


Developers of the new Mortal Kombat have revealed the newest edition to the franchise will include difficult-to-execute 'x-ray' moves, in which a character brutalizes another and the internal destruction is actually shown. *getting light-headed* What?! Like you've never seen a blogger write with a trashbag tied over his head!

"It's definitely the most brutal attack that we've ever had in a Mortal Kombat and it's something that we're very proud of," lead designer John Edwards told IGN.

"Not only from an artistic standpoint but from a gameplay standpoint."

"The first time we knew we were onto something big with X-ray Mode was at E3," art director Steve Beran said.

"I HAVE AN ORGASMIC REACTION EVERYTIME I SEE THE X-RAYS MOVES," drowning69coil is happy to admit after watching the Mortal Kombat preview at YouTube.

Whoa whoa whoa -- orgasmic reaction?! I'm not saying this guy needs to be institutionalized for a unhealthy obsession with gore, but I am saying I bet he stays up at night beating off to CSI reruns. YOU'RE SICK AND YOU NEED TO GET BETTER, HOMEY.

Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of the new moves and the develops talking about them.

Continue Reading " OMG -- I Can See The Bone *Passes Out*: Mortal Kombat's Brutal New 'X-Ray Mode' "

Jan 31 2011 UNSOLVABLE: The 17x17x17 Rubik's Cube


Obviously it's not unsolvable, it just takes longer. Like aging a fine wine or making love to yourself after a long, lonely night of whiskey drankin'.

Using 3D printing technology, puzzle-maker Oskar van Deventer managed to create this insanely complex version of the cube. Oskar assembled the cube from 1539 individually dyed pieces, resulting in this oversize 5.5″ cube.

And since the design has actually been turned into a digital format, you can print one for yourself - for the low, low price of $2006.54 (USD).

As tempting as two grand sounds, Oskar (get out of that trashcan!), I'm going to have to decline. You see, I can't even solve two dice. DAMN YOU, SNAKE-EYES, WHERE'S THE OTHER '1'?!

Hit the jump for a close-up and Oskar holding the giant block like a proud father.

Continue Reading " UNSOLVABLE: The 17x17x17 Rubik's Cube "

Jan 31 2011 'Star Trek Girl' Song And Music Video


Seen here looking like she just asked for a hug before realizing she was in the middle of shitting her pants, this is Youtube user meekakitty singing her sure-to-be-only single (red-shirt -- probably dead by now) 'Star Trek Girl'. It looks like it was filmed in a dormitory bathroom. Also, it worries me that tipster "Steve" prefaced the video link with "this chick is f***in' hot" because from the minute-and-a-half I watched she definitely looked "f***in' fourteen". But who knows, maybe he meant to send something else and isn't such a creeper after all. BWAHAHAHAHA!! Nope, he's a pervert. Aaaaaaaaand probably not sending me anymore tips.

Hit the jump for 5:00 of autotunery and spasmodic dancing.

Continue Reading " 'Star Trek Girl' Song And Music Video "

Jan 31 2011 You've Got To Be Kidding Me: School's For Fools (Or At Least This English Class Is)


If my parents ever found out I was taking a college-level English course that involved reading Twilight, not only would my dad have tied me to the couch and made me watch 'Blade' until my eyes bled, my mom would have home-colleged me. *railroad-tie to the heart* CONSIDER YOUR TENURE-TRAIN DERAILED, PROFESSOR GARCHA!

Worst English Course Ever [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Erik, who had to read 'A Brave New World' in college and is a better man because of it.

Jan 31 2011 Taurus Yanks 28-Gauge Handgun From Show



Taurus (the gun manufacturer) recently added a 28-gauge version of their 'Raging Judge' series of boomsticks at the recent SHOT Show but later pulled it from display after it was deemed a short-barreled shotgun and not a hangun. Well it's not a laser, that's for f***ing sure.

Editor Note: Taurus has removed this firearm from their booth and has elected to not make it at this time. The rifle version will be available through Rossi at some point.

Taurus USA imports their pistols from the Taurus factory in Brazil. If they were imported the sample 28 gauge SBS and specified in the US Customs / BATFE paperwork that is was a pistol, they could be in trouble.

Whatever the case, I don't want to get shot with it. A 410 sure, but 28-gauge? That might leave a mark. Same goes for anything larger like 20 and 12-gauges. Or downright giant like your penis gauge. Geekologie: the feel-good blog.

Big gun, Short lived. Taurus 28 Gauge Revolver [thefirearmblog]

Thanks to TB-303, who once brought a knife to a gunfight and won. Holy smokes guys we've got a ninja in the room, don't look him in the eyes.

Jan 28 2011 Amazing: 24-Hours Stitched Into Single Photo


Note: Full-size version HERE and a version with an overlay showing some of the details of the shot HERE.

This is a photo depicting a single 24-hour time period over Athens (Greece, NOT Georgia) stitched together from a buttload of shots taken by Chris Kotsiopoulos and rendered for over 12-hours. Looks kind of like a Little Big Planet/Super Mario Galaxy planet, doesn't it? YES HUH IT DOES! The logistics:

I began the shooting the morning of December 30, 2010, taking photos with my camera on a tripod facing east. The day portion of this shoot is composed of a dozen shots covering the landscape from east to west as well as the Sun's course across the sky, from sunrise to sunset. I recorded the Sun's position exactly every 15 minutes using an intervalometer, with an astrosolar filter adjusted to the camera lens. In one of the shots, when the Sun was near its maximum altitude, I removed the filter in order to capture a more dramatic shot that showed the Sun's "glare."

After sunset, I took various shots with the camera facing west-northwest in order to achieve a more smooth transition from the day portion to the night portion of the image. The night portion is also composed of a dozen landscape shots but this time from west to east. After the transition" shots, I took a short star trail sequence of approximately half an hour duration, with the camera facing northwest. At 7:30, I turned the camera to the north and started taking the "all-night" star trail shots -- lasting almost 11 hours. After accomplishing this, I then turned the camera to northeast and shot another short half an hour star trail sequence, and then finally, with the camera now facing east-northeast, I took a series of night-to-day transition shots.

Impressive work, Chris. Or should I say, "ZEUS?!" Haha, like a mere mortal could create a shot like that. Nice try, lightning-dick!

Twenty Four Hour View of the Sky [epod]
The 24 Hours of One Day In One Single Photo [gizmodo]

Jan 28 2011 "Dressed To Drill" German Dentists & Nurses Show Off Their Fillings To Distract Patients


Boobs: they make everything better. Moobs: not so much. Still, I would touch one if I had my eyes closed and dude had the decency to shave his nipple hair. What? I'M NATURALLY CURIOUS. Enter the most progressive dentistry practice in the world:

Dr. Marie Catherine Klarkowski whose practice is in Munich in southern Germany said that she came up with the idea after watching the way male visitors to the local Oktoberfest enjoyed looking at the traditional low-cut Dirndl dresses.

So she ordered for herself and her 10 staff similar frilled blouses in the same style with low cut cleavages and tight bodices that work like a push-up bra.

For Dr Klarkowski the investment paid off - she has a third more patients since the change - all of them male.

Dr. Klarkowski added: "Competition doesn't sleep - I know colleagues who have decorated their whole practice with Mickey Mouse and one even in Star Trek style."

Whoa whoa whoa -- A STAR TREK DENTIST?! Forget boobs, I want to boldly go where no man has gone before! *hitting nitrous tank* "GW to Moonbase Alpha, come in Moonbase Alpha. There's a man here with clip-on Vulcan ears trying to disengage my pants' deflector shield. Do you read me? I'm going to pretend I'm asleep and see where this goes, over."

Dressed to Drill [austriantimes]

Thanks to K.T., who doesn't care just as long as she still gets a sticker and toothbrush after her visit.

Jan 28 2011 UGH -- Those Kids Probably Don't Even Know What Daleks Are!! Inflatable, Driveable Daleks


These $320 inflatable Daleks (complete with light and sound fx!) from Zappies Ltd are dropping in June and make the perfect gift for the 3-year old Dr. Who fan in your life. Which, fun fact, nobody has. You can sit in it yourself pressing 'GO' until the motor seizes up and catches fire though. Whee, the plastic's melting to my skin!

Hit the jump for a short commercial for the admittedly cool Dalek-carts.

Continue Reading " UGH -- Those Kids Probably Don't Even Know What Daleks Are!! Inflatable, Driveable Daleks "

Jan 28 2011 25 Years Ago Today: The Challenger Disaster


Tuesday, January 28, 1986. I was only four at the time and didn't watch the launch on live TV like so many others, but I do remember learning about it soon after and the profound effect it had me as an aspiring astronaut. We live, we die, we learn.


In remembrance of (clockwise from back left) Ellison Onizuka, Christa McAuliffe, Gregory Jarvis, Judith Resnik, Ronald McNair, Dick Scobee and Michael J. Smith. See you amongst the stars.

Space Shuttle Challenger Disaster on Wikipedia

Jan 28 2011 Oh God, Please Not Samoas Or Thin Mints!: Girl Scouts Cut Four Cookies From Lineup


Get it, thin mints? EAT A CHEESEBURGER, LADY!

Cookie-purveying giant Girl Scouts of America have decided to cut several of the crappy-ass varieties from their cookie lineup this year, and focus their efforts on hocking the much more delicious (and fattening) flavors. SAMOOOAAAAAS!!!!11

"Our top five varieties make up 77% of cookie sales," Amanda Hamaker, the manager of national product sales for the Girl Scouts, told the Wall Street Journal. "The others are yummy and fun, but they're side dressing--leaving councils with an awful lot of alternate varieties left over."

Still available: Thin Mints, Do-Si-Dos, Trefoils, Samoas (also called Caramel deLites), Lemon Chalet Cremes and Tagalongs (also called Peanut Butter Patties).

Going into retirement: Dulce de Leche, Thank U Berry Munch, All Abouts, Sugar-Free Chocolate Chip

OH THANK GOD. I was literally on pins and needles while reading the article. And not just because I've been sitting on the can for so long I might actually be stuck, I was genuinely worried. Thankfully, we'll all be able to sleep peacefully tonight knowing Thin Mints, Samoas and Tagalongs will still be available. I mean seriously -- who gives a dang about Sugar-Free chocolate chip anyway? THEY'RE PACKAGED CAT TURDS.

Even Girl Scout Cookies Are Victims of the Recession [time]

Thanks to Christina, who has an industrial-size freezer full of Thin Mints from last year. Apocalypse-ready, I like it!

Jan 28 2011 KILL IT: Choke-Bot, The Necktie-Tying Robot


This is a kinetic sculpture created by Seth Goldstein that continually ties and unties a necktie. While the ability to tie a tie is impressive (I can't f***ing do it), I would NEVER trust my neck to a tie-wielding robot. Or a straight-razor. Although I did shave with a ninja sword once, and let me tell you: closest cut ever. So close you can even see some of my teeth through my cheeks. Huh? No not my buttcheeks, dummy, my ass doesn't talk! *brap* What? THAT WAS A WHISPER!

Hit the jump for a video of the choke-bot in action.

Continue Reading " KILL IT: Choke-Bot, The Necktie-Tying Robot "

Jan 28 2011 Woopsie Daisy: Suicide Bomber Gets Blown Up Prematurely By 'Happy New Year' Text


"Wow, that firework sounded close!"

An aspiring Russian suicide (you'll never make pro!) bomber, believed to be operating with the same jerkoffs that blew up part of the Moscow airport earlier this week, was blown up prematurely on New Years Eve after receiving a text from her wireless provider. [Insert your own 'In Soviet Russia' joke here']

The would-be suicide bomber was planning to detonate a suicide belt bomb near Red Square, a plan that was foiled when her wireless carrier sent her an SMS while she was still at a safe house, setting off the bomb and killing her. The message reportedly wished her a Happy New Years, according to the report, which sourced the info from security forces in Russia. Cell phones are often used as makeshift detonators by terrorist and insurgent groups.

Shocking -- a terrorist that's a failure at life AND death, didn't see that one coming. Yes, yes I did. But only part of a leg.

Would-Be Suicide Bomber Killed by Unexpected SMS From Mobile Carrier [wired]

Thanks to UncleFUJ and I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT CATES ARE, who both have multiple capitals in their names, making them winners in my book.

Jan 28 2011 God Bless America: The United States Of Beer


Note: HARdto read/ specialy aif youave been drinlinking, clkick EHRE fora brigger verison.

This is a map depicting the United States of Beer. I'm not sure what it's supposed to teach us, but I am listening intently with the hope of some free samples after class. Which, 100% true story: one time I had to give a peer-reviewed presentation about the wine industry for a marketing class in college and had the other students follow me out to my car afterward and handed out free bottles of Boones Farm. Solid C, baby! Theeeeeeeen I drank the 12 left over and ran through a plate-glass window.

Oh sugar-snaps -- a bonus 'United States of Soft Drinks' HERE for you underage kiddies!

The United States of Beer [houstonpress]

Thanks to Shenanigans and Amanda, who both agree the best beer in the U.S. is whichever one's in your tummy gettin' ya krunk!

Jan 27 2011 The Cannapult: Border Security Confiscate Weed-Tossing Catapult At US/Mexico Border


Cannapult, get it? Like cannabis. Alternatively, the catapot.

A catapult used to launch 2-kilo (4.4lb) bricks of shitty Mexican schwag over the border was confiscated by Mexican authorities earlier this week, bringing Wile E. Coyote's drug smuggling operation to a screeching halt (probably in mid-air after running off a cliff!).

Mexican soldiers, tipped off by U.S. National Guard troops monitoring the area with surveillance cameras, seized a few dozen pounds of marijuana, a sport-utility vehicle, and the catapult it was towing near the small town of Naco near the Mexico-Arizona border on Friday. The smugglers had already fled the scene.

The catapult was found about 20 yards from the fence, standing roughly ten feet tall and prepped to launch several 4.4-pound bales of pot into the United States. And from what we can gather from the few grainy photos available, it looks like a legit piece of elementary medieval siege weaponry.

Listen: as a man who's no stranger to enduring eight-hour flights with a rectumful of drug-filled Doritos bags, I have to admire these smugglers' ingenuity. But is smuggling 4-pounds of the worst quality brick-weed one catapult launch at a time really worth it? You gotta think outside the box 20-sack, guys. Two words: Spanish fly. IT'S REAL, IT'S ILLEGAL, AND I WANT SOME.

One more shot of the catapult in tow-mode and a night-vision video of the POS in action after the jump.

Continue Reading " The Cannapult: Border Security Confiscate Weed-Tossing Catapult At US/Mexico Border "

Jan 27 2011 Shaolin Monk Throws Needle Through Glass


This is an older video that's making it's way around the internets of a Shaolin Monk (who the Wu-Tang clan would encourage you NOT to f*** with) throwing a needle clear through a pane of glass, shot at 1,000 frames-per-second. Now I'm not saying it's not impressive, I'm just saying I've got a lot of buttons that need sewed back on and they're not gonna do it themselves. *ahem* I'm looking at you, saffron-robe. Haha, stop punching me -- it tickles! *WA-BAP* Okay now that one just stopped my heart.

Hit the jump for the 'eh, I could do that'. No, no you couldn't either.

Continue Reading " Shaolin Monk Throws Needle Through Glass "

Jan 27 2011 State Of The Internets Address Infographic: (SPOILER: Huge w/ A Butt-Ton Of Spam)


Note: This is neither legible nor the whole thing. Click HERE to see the whole thing and +2 your internet knowledge.

As a follow up to last year's State of the Internet, Focus has created another infographic almost exactly a year later (and 365-dollars short) depicting some other useless facts & figures about the size of the interweb. Which, in case you didn't already know, is f***ing huge (also, you're piss-poor at observation). So large, in fact, even crotchety old grandparents venture in from time to time to have their social security money stolen in get-rich-quick email scams. GOD, BUY SOME FOREIGN BONER PILLS AND CALL IT A DAY, GRANDPA!

The State of the Internet [focus]

Thanks to Sandi76 and Marcus, who agree that, even in the web's darkest hour, Geekologie stands like a lighthouse of hope atop the deep, foreboding waters, ushering surfers safely home.

Jan 27 2011 Exploding Spraypaint Can Made In LEGO


I am impress. Granted I thought it was a peen-eating plant growing out of a vagina at first, but you know what they say: you see what you want to. Anyway: a LEGO still-life of a spraypaint can exploding made by Cole Blaq (who also made this piece featured earlier). I swear, people can get so creative. Like last night when I was stumbling home from the bar I saw a man who, in lieu of a public restroom, was dropping his kids off in a storm drain. It being clearly marked 'NO DUMPING: DRAINS TO RIVER' aside, the Los Angeles River isn't so much a river as it is a concrete cesspool THAT I STILL SEE PEOPLE FISHING IN anyways. So yeah -- not feeling so creative now are you, Da Vinci?! "For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return." What. in. the. -- ARE YOU HIGH AGAIN?! Paint me naked?

One more shot after the jump, along with a link to Cole's website with a ton more LEGO works (a lot of which are spraypaint themed for some reason. I suspect huffing).

Continue Reading " Exploding Spraypaint Can Made In LEGO "

Jan 27 2011 Scientists Develop Bomb-Detecting Plants


"Yep, definitely a bomb."

Scientists at the University of Colorado have developed the early predecessors of future "bomb-sniffing" plants (move buzz over, bees!) that can change colors to indicate the presence of specific chemical compounds. No word on how long it takes for the change to take place, but my guess is two peg-legs too late.

It only took a small engineering nudge to deputize a plant's natural, evolutionary self-defense mechanisms for threat detection. "Plants can't run and hide," says June Medford, the biologist who's spent the last seven years figuring out how to deputize plants for counterterrorism. "If a bug comes by, it has to respond to it. And it already has the infrastructure to respond."

Right now, Medford estimates she's three to four years out. Her labs have genetically-designed plants blanching white when they come into contact with TNT. But that's in a research lab, where the amount of light is constant, "no wind, no rain, no bugs, no people dumping coffee."

Admittedly, that is pretty impressive. I'm not sure how practical it'll be except for blanketing old land-mine beds, but who knows. Now genetically modifying weed to be able to run away from cops -- that would be impressive. And genetically modifying weed to run away from cops BUT STILL FIND ITS WAY BACK HOME, well, that's the f***ing future right there. Holy shit he even brought back snacks. BEST WEED EVER!

Short video report with more in-depth info after the jump.

Continue Reading " Scientists Develop Bomb-Detecting Plants "



Watch -- ;) XD >:( :*I See? I did that in less than five seconds. But hey, maybe some of you folks are slow (don't think for one second your parents haven't thought about getting you tested!). Enter the USB keypad that instantly adds two-to-three character emoticons at the touch of a (admittedly fun-looking) button. Alternatively, TAKE THE MILLISECOND TO PUSH THE PROPER KEYS and save a port for something important like one of those little USB-humping dogs. Which -- no lie, you should see my laptop right now. You'd swear the bitch is in heat!

Emoticon Keypad For Folks That Feel the Need To Use Emoticons [uberreview]

Thanks to Creamer, who I've put in my coffee after his expiration date before BECAUSE I LIKE TO LIVE DANGEROUS.

Jan 27 2011 Daaaaaaw: Steampunk Warrior Kitty Helmet


I'm calling it a Steampunk Warrior Kitty Helmet because the thought of a Borg cat scares the shit out of me and, truthfully, I ate some spoiled sushi last night and there's no way my bowels could handle that right now. My own personal Mount Doom aside, it looks like Snowball here's having a great time, doesn't it? Just kidding, his name's Hugo, possibly due to his resemblance of the LOST character by the same name. Still, if there's one thing cats love, it's licking their @$$holes in front of company you putting shit on their heads. Trust me, I'm an animal lover cracker. Oh geez -- please don't bite my head off!

Hit the jump for a side-shot, then start crafting your own. Your cat'll hate you for it!

Continue Reading " Daaaaaaw: Steampunk Warrior Kitty Helmet "



Note: Full-size shot HERE in case you're looking for a new wallpaper.

So apparently a revamped Thundercats is coming back to television, and let me tell you: Lion-O looks like some sort of confused emo-anime caricature of his former self. Battle Cat will never let you ride him looking like that! "Uh GW? Battle Cat was He-Man's." REPRESSED ENTIRE CHILDHOOD IS REPRESSED.

Based on the Rankin/Bass sci-fi jungle adventure cartoon, the new "ThunderCats" debuts later this year on Cartoon Network and promises an anime look to the series courtesy of Warner Bros. Animation and Japanese partners Studio4°C. "In addition to being Warner Bros. Animation's first anime series, ThunderCats marks our most ambitious foray yet into fantasy," WBA's Sam Register said during the series announcement last June. "The realism and dynamic visual style we've achieved are sure to thrill viewers, and the cool weapons, vehicles and technology should help the show appeal to a diverse audience."

Aaaaaah, so they were actually going for an anime look, good to know. Cheetara: still 150% doable though. Tygra too! And, from the look of things, even kinkier than ever. I know an anal-bead bullwhip when I see one! (I see one every time I look under the bed for my cell phone is the thing)

OFFICIAL First Image From "Thundercats" [comicbookresources]

Thanks to Black and Shirik, who're both happier than kids in candy stores. Uh, guys? You're not actually supposed to say that anymore because it promotes childhood obesity.

Jan 26 2011 $#@&in' *&=@!: The United States Of Cursing


Note: Larger version HERE and a giant f***ing PDF version (11MB) HERE.

This is a map of the United States charting geographic dirty-word (buttfudge!) use through Tweets. The darker an area the less profane, the lighter an area the more profane, and, if you zoom in on my apartment, pure f***ing white. No -- see-through.

I made use of six main swears] that came to mind: f***, sh*t, b*tch, hell, damn, ass

I was running these through Excel (since I had the Tweet data in a spreadsheet), and I had it simply search for those text strings within the message. In most cases, that meant it was a search along the lines of f***, meaning it would catch "f***er," "f***wit," and other words probably bandied about the UW Cartography Lab in its saltier days. For ass and hell, I kept wildcards out of those words, since there was a chance of catching something like "assume" or "shell" if I did not.

... Huffman confirms that he did in fact normalize for population. So this isn't just pure volume of cussin, it's more like the number of profanities per tweet.

Interesting. So basically all that data and not a single trend anywhere that looks like a wiener. I AM DISAPPOINT. Still, I found if you tilt your head just right the northwest does look like Conan eating a little steak. So that's something. Not something I'm particularly proud of, but neither is my gambling problem. Which -- $20 says I can end this sentence without a period. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

No Swearing in Utah [cartastrophe] (click map for giant PDF)
Mapping the Sweariest States In the Union [gizmodo]

Jan 26 2011 Like Heaven & Hell Exploded Simultaneously


What's the RDA for glitter?

This is a picture of a cake that has all the elements of the most beautiful daydream (unicorns, rainbows, lollipops) and most terrifying nightmare (zombies, piranha plants, robots) at the same time. I call it the WTF Cake, although you can call it delicious. Shit, you can even call its mother a whore, although that'd be rude because you don't even know her. SHE'S A NICE LADY! (But will start randomly grabbing balls if you get a drink in her)

Hit the jump for a bunch of closeups, along with a shot of the makers (and bonus nipple cupcakes!), at least one of which (and possibly both) you'll leave comments about wanting to bang. God, do I know you guys or what? I do, and I'm even more embarrassed than your parents.

Continue Reading " Like Heaven & Hell Exploded Simultaneously "

Jan 26 2011 Why Am I Not Surprised?: Mark Zuckerberg's Official Facebook Fanpage Gets Hacked


Proving that the Geekologie fanpage's precious status updates might not be as safe as previously thought, an unknown hacker took control of Mark Zuckerburg's official Facebook fanpage this week, probably by guessing his password, "administrator". Good one Mark, but I would've gone with "IOWNTHISBITCH111".

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg's fan page was hacked Tuesday -- a high-profile breach on a site that constantly faces scrutiny about its handling of its members private data.

"It's not clear if he was careless with his password, was phished, or sat down in a Starbucks and got sidejacked while using an unencrypted wireless network,"...."However it happened, it's left egg on his face just when Facebook wants to reassure users that it takes security and privacy seriously."

While the method of attack is still unclear, it's crystal clear that Mark Zuckerburg has 2,836,752 more Facebook fans than Geekologie, making me question my entire existence. WTF DOES HE HAVE THAT I DON'T?! "Hepatitis?" You said it not me!

Mark Zuckerberg's Facebook page hacked [cnn]
Geekologie's Presence on the Faceybooks

Thanks to Evil Ares, who, while certainly evil, isn't 'hack-a-Facebook-fanpage' evil. Good to know.

Jan 26 2011 Terminator Hands Are Real, Indestructable


This is a fully functional Terminator hand. It can operate with both the gentle caress of a feather OR CHOKE YOU OUT UNTIL YOUR EYES ROLL BACK IN YOUR HEAD with equal dexterity. Which -- $10 if you let it give you an HJ without flinching.

Developed by the Institute of Robotics and Mechatronics, part of the German Aerospace Center (DLR), the fully functional anthropomorphic robot hand can withstand major collisions and even direct pounding with a hammer, baseball bat or metal pipe, making it an essential part of future indestructible humanoid robots.

UGH. Really, guys? What's the purpose of a robotic hand that's impenetrable to hammers, baseball bats and pipes? I seriously doubt a robot is gonna run into those things on the job UNLESS THEIR JOB IS KILLING HUMANS. I'm on to you, German Aerospace Center. Or should I say "Skynet"? DUM-DUM-DUM!

Hit the jump for a brief video demonstration of somebody beating the thing with a hammer and bat.

Continue Reading " Terminator Hands Are Real, Indestructable "

Jan 26 2011 The Missing Link: Gorilla Stands Up And Walks Like A Human (NOT An Egyptian)


This is a video of a gorilla at the Port Lympne Wild Animal Park in Kent, England that likes to walk around like a human. Now I'm not saying this guy is obviously the missing link evolutionists have been looking for, but I'm also not saying he isn't. But what I AM saying is just between you and I, so if you tell anybody I'll kill you. My grundle has a face.

Hit the jump to see your great-great-great-great-grandfather in action.

Continue Reading " The Missing Link: Gorilla Stands Up And Walks Like A Human (NOT An Egyptian) "

Jan 26 2011 The Word 'Robot' Celebrates 90th Anniversary


Because I refuse to give robots the satisfaction of celebrating their victories (however small) on the actual day, the anniversary was yesterday. FINE -- I'M SLOW, OKAY?!

90 years ago yesterday the word 'robot' made it's first appearance, in, of all things, a Czech play. History lessons, yo! Just remember: those who don't learn from history are doomed to be enslaved by metallic overlords. Never forget, never forgive.

it was ninety years ago today that the word "robot" was introduced to the public in Karel Capek's play "R.U.R." (Rossum's Universal Robots), which first premiered in Prague in its original Czech language in 1921, and came to New York a year later in English. As Gearlog notes, however, Capek actually gives credit for the origin of the word to his brother Josef, who suggested the term "roboti" that he derived from the Czech word "robota," which literally means "serf labor," and can refer to drudgery or hard work.

Listen: I want the word wiped from all languages before it has time to celebrate its 100th anniversary, do you hear me? "What was that last part again -- you were mumbling." I SAID I WANT THE WORD WI... "Kidding -- heard you the first time, I just wanted to f*** with you." *burning your eyes out with a laser* HAVE FUN DEFENDING YOURSELF FROM ROBOT ATTACKS NOW, ASSHAT!

The Word Robot is 90 Years Old Today [gearlog]
'Robot' marks its 90th anniversary as a word [engadget]

Thanks to Razzi, who agrees 'cyborg', 'humanoid' and 'dildo' should also be removed from dictionaries.

Jan 26 2011 Fashion Fatale: 'Self-Destruction' Rings Designed To Blow Your Fingers Off


Geekologie Reader "if industries" has developed a pair of rings that were designed to blow the wearer's fingers off. Ezio Auditore would not approve! Both designs incorporate a bullet that can be fired by hitting the top of the ring hard enough. Now I know what you're thinking, "OMG -- it's the perfect engagement ring!" And yes, it is. Sorry honey, you know the rules -- no finger, no wedding. Back me up, Constitution. "No". GAAAAAAH I WANT TO AMEND YOUR ASS SO BAD RIGHT NOW.

Hit the jump for a video of the two rings sadly not in action.

Continue Reading " Fashion Fatale: 'Self-Destruction' Rings Designed To Blow Your Fingers Off "

Jan 26 2011 The PS3's Mine!: Magic-Marker Faced Drunk Breaks Into Ex-Roommate's With Sword To Steal Back Television, Video Game Console


Beard: real or Sharpie?

Seen here proving denim's making a comeback, Ricky Lee Kalichun (who looks suspiciously like a short-bus zombie) was arrested after trying to drunkenly break into an old roommate's with his face all markered up and wielding a "large sword". LEARN HOW TO HANDLE YOUR BOOZE, LIGHTWEIGHT!

The victim told police he used to room with Kalichun and had him come up to the apartment. Kalichun then allegedly began unplugging a television and stated that a video game console and some games were his.

The occupants then got Kalichun in the hallway, the affidavit said, and he allegedly pulled out the sword and began swinging at the victim.

Police said they found Kalichun on the fourth floor with a camouflage coat and black marker markings on his face and immediately arrested him.

Dammit Ricky, you didn't even bother fleeing the scene?! You need to learn when to cut your losses on the N64 and go break into somebody else's place -- the night was still young! Who knows, you may even find a current-generation console! Ooooooooor somebody more than willing to stab you with your own sword. WIN/DIE!

Evansville man arrested after alleged sword attack [courierpress]

Thanks to lil co, who once painted her face like an angel and broke in to steal my heart. Better not be for a potion.

Jan 25 2011 Darwin, You Let Me Down Again: Idiot Moron Films Himself Getting Run Over By A Train


This is a video of some crazy Ruski (I can tell by the video quality and general disregard for life) who sets up a camera and then lies perfectly still between the train tracks while a locomotive (CHOO CHOO!) passes over him. Now I'm not saying dude doesn't have a lot to live for, but, yes, I am saying that. GET A F***ING HAMSTER, GOD! But seriously kids, please don't try this. I'd try it for you if I could, but sadly, I just don't have the balls for it. They'd get caught and dragged for sure.

Hit the jump for 1:00 of 'thank god there was no cow-catcher on that one'.

Continue Reading " Darwin, You Let Me Down Again: Idiot Moron Films Himself Getting Run Over By A Train "

Jan 25 2011 Supertasty Superheroes: The Iron Man Pizza


This is an uncooked pizza that looks like Iron Man. I assume whoever made it took the picture while waiting around for Whiplash to come cook it. Or should I say 'fry'? Get it? Because he's always swinging those electric whippy things, shit! Which, true story: one time they let him throw the opening pitch at a baseball game and he killed the catcher. Also, everybody else on the field. Hell of a temper, that guy.

Cheese, pepperoni Armor, onion power core, black olive rivets, pureed black olive outlines and a whole lot of love.

A whole lot of love, or a whole lot of free time on their hands? Or, God forbid, a whole lot of love on their hands. Because that's EXACTLY why I don't shake anymore. *elbow bump* Oh, good one -- on your elbow too. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Pass the Crushed Red Pepper, The Iron Man Pizza [obviouswinner]

Thanks to Charles, who only eats Invisible Woman pizzas. Uh, Charles? That's called starving yourself, and you need to get help.

Jan 25 2011 Taco Bell Being Sued For False Advertising Because Their 'Ground Beef' Is Actually Only 35% Ground Beef (The Rest Is Cockroaches)


A group of Alabamians have filed a class-action lawsuit (which was probably presented to them as a petition to lower the distance of legal marriages from 2nd cousins to 1st. Just kidding -- you can already marry first cousins in more than half the states!) against diarrhea-giant Taco Bell for false advertising 'seasoned ground beef' that is, in fact, only 35% ground beef and the rest puckered pig @$$holes. You know, or "water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodrextrin, anti-dusting agent and modified corn starch." Whoa whoa whoa -- modified corn starch?! THE LADY IN THE DRIVE-THRU SWORE IT WAS UNMODIFIED!

The meat mixture sold by Taco Bell restaurants contains binders and extenders and does not meet the minimum requirements set by the U.S. Department of Agriculture to be labeled as "beef," according to the legal complaint.

Attorney Dee Miles said attorneys had Taco Bell's "meat mixture" tested and found it contained less that 35 percent beef.

The lawsuit on behalf of Taco Bell customer and California resident Amanda Obney does not seek monetary damages, but asks the court to order Taco Bell to be honest in its advertising.

HA, LIKE ANYBODY THOUGHT THAT SHIT WAS ACTUAL GROUND BEEF IN THE FIRST PLACE! "Uh GW, this is Alabama we're talking about." Touché But seriously, I lived in Huntsville, Alabama for 10 years and lemme tell you: my sister never looked so good. (I don't actually have a sister, otherwise I'd be choking to death on my own vomit right now).

Lawsuit to Taco Bell: Where's the beef? [msnbc]

Thanks to killerabbit and Brittany, who agree a Cheesy Gordita Crunch and Baja Blast is where it's at. Where WHAT'S at exactly -- painful gas?

Jan 25 2011 Twitter Charms < BFF Heart Necklaces


This is why you're single.

I always wanted one of those BFF heart necklaces that was split in two that you and your bestie each wore half of. Sadly, I never had a best friend until recently. Growing up I did have a broom with a face painted on the bristles, but he hated wearing jewelry. Introducing Twitter necklaces: not only can you choose a piece of colored glass that matches your birthstone, they even come engraved with your actual Twitter handle. Peridot green and @Geekologie, please! The necklaces cost $49 and come in both the 'Birdie' design (above) and the '@' symbol (picture after the jump). Well -- which one are you getting? "OMG, tell me you're joking." I'll tell you if I'm joking as soon as you tell me which one you're getting! "Fine, the bird one with a ruby red crystal." Haha, DORK -- I WAS JOKING!

Hit the jump for a shot of the '@' ones.

Continue Reading " Twitter Charms < BFF Heart Necklaces "

Jan 25 2011 UM, NO: Future Cellphones Could Be Mini Versions Of This Creepy-Ass Humanoid


Remember Telenoid R1, the teleconferencing robot that "recreates the physical presence of a remote user"? Well now the humanoid's creator is imagining miniature versions being used as cell phones. GTFO of here with that crazy-talk, nutjob!

...if Professor Hiroshi Ishiguro of Japan's Osaka University has his way, a miniature Telenoid that lets you "feel" the presence of the party on the other line could soon replace the cell phones of today. It turns out the future could be just around the corner as the roboticist said a prototype of the mobile "Elfoid" would be ready in a few months.

When asked how he responds to comments that his Telenoid appears creepy, Ishiguro simply shrugged his shoulders and said that "it is not creepy."

He added that humans tend to get confused when they see a new design, but they will adapt to it. If we are communicating with a friend via the Telenoid, we can imagine his face on the Telenoid's face. Likewise, if the little Telenoids were to embrace each other, we'd be able to feel the hug.

I'm just gonna go ahead and check the box next to 'Hell No' right now. I mean seriously, who in their right mind would be willing to carry around an armless humanoid? "Chewbacca did it". Yeah well Chewbacca also picks and eats his own dingleberries so I'm not sure that's an argument. Just sayin', I talk into NO humanoid's crotch. "Uh, what about the Teddy Ruxpin you had growing up?" THAT WAS A BEAR!

Robot wiz: Your next phone could be a Telenoid [cnet]

Thanks to Jed, who finds the prospect of dropping a little humanoid phone in the toilet horrifying. IT'S WHERE THEY BELONG, JED, GET OVER IT.

Jan 25 2011 One Of The Fantastic Four Dies, Leaving A Not-So-Fantastic (And Awkward) Threesome


The title was just meant to throw you off, it's not actually the Invisible Woman that dies. Or is it?

Because Marvel is now owned by Disney and Disney hasn't done anything right since The Little Mermaid, the death of one of the Fantastic Four was leaked prior to the comic's (issue #587) release later this week. Who was it? Gaaaaah, I don't know if I should tell!

Though the majority of single-issue comic book sales are still largely seen as the product of a niche market, the biggest events in the lives of America's superheroes still rate with national news organizations hungry for an accessible water cooler hook. So it should come as no surprise that Marvel Comics has revealed to the Associated Press which member of their first family dies in "Fantastic Four" #587 in a story that's being picked up by several newspapers...

The comic's creators also announced that the next issue (#588) will be the The Fantastic Four's last. Now, if you want to find out who dies and where the series is going from here, hit the jump where I've posted the rest of the story, but if you don't want to know then stop reading right this second because SPOILER: THEY ALL DO. Just kidding. Wolverine.

Hit the jump to keep reading if you really want to know.

Continue Reading " One Of The Fantastic Four Dies, Leaving A Not-So-Fantastic (And Awkward) Threesome "

Jan 25 2011 Video Game Fan-Film Mania!: Impressive Half-Life And Fallout Shorts


Okay, so the Black Mesa short is a little higher in production value.

Because independent filmmakers want to send a message to the big studios THAT IT SHOULDN'T TAKE $80 MILLION TO MAKE A SHITTY ROM-COM THAT'LL BLOW REGARDLESS, two different groups took it upon themselves to make these impressive video game inspired shorts. Which, fine -- that wasn't really their reason for making them. I suspect it was just a little thing called passion. You know, like when you're tongue-kissing a girl real deep and squeezin' on her jubblies. Mmmmm, just like that. Anyway, the 12:00 'Beyond Black Mesa' short:

Inspired by the Half-Life Video Game series, this is an action packed short film centering around Adrian Shephard and a band of resistance fighters struggling to get out a warning about the impending invasion.

And the 16:00 'Fallout: Nuka Break':

Join Twig (Zack Finfrock), a former Vault 10 Dweller, as he searches the barren wasteland of eastern California for ice-cold Nuka Cola. Along for the ride is Ben (Aaron Giles), a radiation-ravaged ghoul, and Scarlett (Tybee Diskin), a sexy former slave. Together, the three attempt to survive both the harsh wastes and a relentless group of bounty hunters while trying to find the coveted beverage -- Nuka Cola.

Hit the jump and watch both to spend just under a half-hour sticking it to the man at work. Just make sure to lock your office door and moan real loud like you're masturbating so your boss doesn't think you're watching Youtube videos on the clock. Responsibility.

Hit the jump, do it now.

Continue Reading " Video Game Fan-Film Mania!: Impressive Half-Life And Fallout Shorts "

Jan 25 2011 You Can't Leave R2 Alone!: C-3PO Suicides


Alternatively, the virgin suicides. Get it? Nobody wanted to hit that!

C3POsuicides is a website that creates pictures and videos of everyone's (except this pervert) least favorite droid doing himself in. It updates every Tuesday with a new series but is just now getting off the ground. Not unlike my rocketship. I'm blastin' out of here, yo! To where I have no clue, but you can rest assured it'll probably be in a ball of flames. "Hell?" More than likely. Which reminds me, C-3 -- I thought you and Jar Jar signed some sort of suicide pact. Like, oh I don't know, THIS ONE! *waving papers* "GW, that's your handwriting". SHUT UP AND MAKE HIM HONOR IT!

Hit the jump for several more and a link to official site if you're a real sicko.

Continue Reading " You Can't Leave R2 Alone!: C-3PO Suicides "

Jan 24 2011 Nubbins: Single-Fingered Dino Discovered


Worst. HJ's. EVER.

Seen here looking suspiciously like a spraypainted ostrich, a new species of dinosaur has been discovered that only rocked a single digit on each arm nubbin. Actually, it looks like its fingers ARE its arms. They probably couldn't type for shit!

The earliest carnivorous dinosaurs had five fingers, although only four were actually functional. Many later meat-eaters had only three, and evolution left the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex with only two. Now researchers have unearthed the first known dinosaur with only one finger.

Linhenykus, which was probably about a meter tall, belongs to a family of dinosaurs called alvarezsauroids, which some researchers once thought were early flightless birds but which are now widely recognized as true dinosaurs. The team suggests that the single, clawlike digit was an adaptation for digging, perhaps for insects such as termites.

I'm not gonna lie, those nubbins look like the worst possible things to dig with that I've ever seen AND I ONCE TRIED DIGGING A HOLE TO CHINA WITH A PAPER PARTY HAT. Wound up in New Zealand, just sayin'.

ScienceShot: A Dino With Just One Finger [sciencemag]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who suspects Linhenykus actually had full arms and hands but all the other dinos considered them a delicacy. Okay now that I'll believe.

Jan 24 2011 Do Want: Mega Man Energy Tank Coffee Mug


This is a $28 coffee mug from Fangamers (shipping next month) that was designed to look like one of Mega Man's energy tanks. Except now it's your energy tank since coffee is what makes people get up and function in the morning instead of floundering around in bed all day like nature intended. IF I'M SUPPOSED TO GET UP AND WORK ALL DAY WHY DOES SLEEPING ALWAYS SOUND SO MUCH BETTER?! Riddle me that, Einstein! "Uh...GW? Einstein died a long time ago." Oh, right. WELL THEN RIDDLE ME THAT, DR. HAWKING! Oooooooor just run over my toes again. Typical!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a link to the product site.

Continue Reading " Do Want: Mega Man Energy Tank Coffee Mug "

Jan 24 2011 Apocalypse-Ready: Computers And Guns


That's the nicest computer chair I've ever seen!

This is a picture of some gun-nut's computer setup. Oh, and just in case you couldn't tell: HE'S THE WRONG F***ING PERSON TO TROLL.

This Must Be the Craziest Computer Den In America [gizmodo]

Jan 24 2011 Wizard Comic Book Magazine Is No More


Wizard, the long-running comic guide and magazine, has officially turned off its printing press, made the move to a publicly-traded company, and only plans on producing a digital version of the magazine in the future. Which, I think we can all agree, is a pretty weak move for someone calling themselves a wizard. CAST A SPELL OR SOMETHING, SHIT!

Wizard: The Guide To Comics, the magazine that covered the mainstream comics industry for twenty years and created all manner of careers in the process has closed, effective immediately. Or at least the print version has.

Almost all Wizard magazine staff have been laid off, and all freelance engagements cancelled.

You can read a copy/pasted version of the company's press release after the jump, which outlines their plans to focus on running the Comic Con conventions and the new, digital-only 'Wizard World' magazine. Well, what do you guys think? Because I'll show you exactly what I think thanks to my experimental thought-projecting helmet. *strapping on* Well -- what do you see? "A whole buncha wieners". Dammit, let me really concentrate. Okay, how bout now? "Like twice as many as before". OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS!!!!!!!!111

Hit the jump for the press release.

Continue Reading " Wizard Comic Book Magazine Is No More "

Jan 24 2011 493 Pokemons Drawn As Anime Girls


Note: This pic only shows like eight or ten (screw you, counting!), click HERE to see all 493 in their full-res glory, GLORY, HALLELUUUUUUUUUJAH!!

This is the first 493 Pokemons re-imagined as cosplaying girls. I don't know who drew it, but suffice it to say they're all kinds of perverted. And not the good kind that wears edible underwear to work and nibbles on them at their desk all day either, oh no -- the BAD kind. Cartoon masturbaters. BATMAN IS WATCHING AND DOES NOT APPROVE. Robin, absolutely.

Cut picture source before Dodekuv sent me the full version (full version origin unknown)

Thanks to Chris 'would totally catch 'em all' G., who may or may yes buy candy in bulk from Costco. And to Dodekuv (who was kind enough to send me the full version), who only practices catch and release BECAUSE HE'S A RESPONSIBLE POKEMONER.

Jan 24 2011 Japanese Canned Coffee/Whiskey Blend


Night Café (not to be confused with the 1888 Van Gogh by the same name) is a new line of canned alcoholic beverages from Japan that mix the deliciousness of whiskey with the caffeine of coffee and tea. Think 'Four Loco', but waaaaaaaay less insane in the membrane. Dammit, I expected more from you, Japan.

Released throughout Tokyo on January 19, Yoru Café (Night Café) is a concoction of coffee beans, tea leaves, milk, caramel syrup, and of course 4% whiskey. In addition, it's is available in two flavors: caffe latte liquor and tea liquor...the low-volume beer retails for 148 JPY ($1.80 USD)

...it's designed to attract young and successful Japanese men and women who typically prefer sipping on coffee to chugging some good ol' fashioned beer. It's a brave move by Kirin to try and get hold of a market segment that has gradually been losing interest in beer.

The beauty of Yoru Café and its rival is that they allow young drinkers to enjoy the taste of coffee and catch a comfortable buzz, while at the same time avoiding a hangover.

Listen: I'll be the first to admit I pour bourbon into Starbucks Double Shot Espresso cans. Unless you're a cop, in which case I'll be the first to lie, then run. But that's not the point, the point is this: those police tasers actually shoot pretty far. Electrodes caught me right between the cheeks and now I can't tell when I fart anymore. I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY!

Japanese Brewer Releases Deceptively Packaged Beer [weirdasianews]

Thanks to Melissa, who likes her coffee like her airline pilots: not mixed with whiskey.

Jan 24 2011 'Fight The Foot', A Fan-Made Ninja Turtle Film


This is a three-minute TMNT fan-film entitled 'Fight the Foot'. Personally, I'd try attacking the source of the odor first before cutting off the whole foot, but that's just me and I'm not into peg-legs. Anyway, I'll give you a brief synopsis: The Foot Clan comes to beat-up/possibly kill April O'Neil because she did an expose on their gang. They all wear gas-masks because biological warfare is a very real threat when breaking into someone's apartment (one time I kicked down my roommate's door for stealing string-cheese and he farted so bad I passed out and shattered his fishtank). Thankfully, Raphael shows up and makes short work of the nimrods. Then, Shredder dunks a wolf and snapping turtle in some ooze and they both turn out retarded. "Uh, GW? I'm pretty sure that last part was from 'TMNT2: The Secret of the Ooze'". Secret of the ooze? I'll tell you the secret of the ooze -- it tastes f***ing delicious. *growing penises everywhere*

Hit the jump for a dramatic 3:00.

Continue Reading " 'Fight The Foot', A Fan-Made Ninja Turtle Film "

Jan 24 2011 Ridin' The Worm: Scientists Bio-Engineer Worms That Can Be Steered With Light


Damn yeah I still have my Glo-Worm!

Because scientists won't be happy until we can ride worms sans maker hooks (Dune reference FTW!), they've managed to genetically modify a species to take "directions" from pulses of light. This should end well.

There are no wires or electric modifications necessary. The worm can simply be steered using focused, directed light.

Caenorhabditis elegans is only a millimeter long, has a nervous system of only 302 neurons, and is transparent.

The worm was genetically modified so its neurons were partially comprised of channelrhodopsin-2 and halorhodopsin. These two proteins are light-activated, and go off when exposed to certain kinds of light. The scientist then used lasers and mirrors to make the worm feel and do what they wanted.

They also managed to get the worm to lay an egg.

WHOA WHOA WHOA -- "managed to get the worm to lay an egg"? Fuuuuuuuuuuu. What if I don't want to be bio-engineered to pop monster boners at every stoplight?! Don't get me wrong, I do, but I can imagine some people don't. Mostly womens.

Scientists engineer a light-controlled worm [io9]

Thanks to Mr. Sausage, who just wants to be bio-engineered to taste better. Dammit, a sausage can dream, can't he?!

Jan 23 2011 Dawwwww: 'Little Big Planet' Recreated IRL


Note: Video is after the jump.

To celebrate the recent release of Little Big Planet 2 (which I'm triple-fisting alongside Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood and a PB&J), a group of fans went and created a level in real life using a couple stuffed Sackboys and a shit-ton of construction paper. Pretty cool, guys. But you know what would be even cooler? If they opened a theme park with a bunch of Little Big Planet levels that humans could run through. How awesome would that be?! I know I'd give upwards of $50 to get in. Just kidding, but I would give the ticket-taker an HJ. What?! Rght, like I'm the only who's ever diddled a Trader Joe's cashier for a free steak before!

Hit the jump for 2:00 of cuteness.

Continue Reading " Dawwwww: 'Little Big Planet' Recreated IRL "

Jan 21 2011 Geekologie: Now With More Drunken Tweets


It took awhile (is Twitter dead already? I have no idea), but we were finally able to score the Geekologie Twitter page from whoever started it. It wasn't easy, and many Bothans died in the process, but hopefully it'll be worth it. Especially now since I'll be able to tweet shots of all the drinks I'll be downing tonight and you can pretend you're my liver. "Whee, you're hurting me!" HAHA, what part of "SHUT UP AND MAKE ROOM FOR A SHOT" did you not understand?! Anyway, I've been auto-populating the page with Geekologie posts for a couple weeks now, but I'm gonna hit the ground running stumbling and keep you abreast (or two) of WTF else is going on in the land of Geekologie. Don't expect it all to make sense, but you can expect it all to be hastily written from my phone while waiting in line for a bathroom at the bar. F*** it, I'm peeing on a wall. The party starts....NOW.

Geekologie on Twitters
Geekologie on Faceybook

Jan 21 2011 Iffy: Yahoo Installs Bus Stop Video Games


Seen here NOT DOING HIS F***ING JOB, a San Francisco city employee plays a Yahoo Bus Stop Derby game while on the clock.

Web giant Yahoo has installed twenty large touch-screen displays in bus shelters across San Francisco.

It's called the Yahoo Bus Stop Derby, commuters able to choose from four simple games to play. While they play, their results are being tracked and updated in real-time, letting residents of various neighbourhoods see how they shape up against their cross-city rivals.

There's the option of solo play or multiplayer, provided there's somebody else waiting at another bus stop who wants to play the same game as you.

Wow, that almost sounds like as much fun as playing games on your smart phone. Only thing is, YOU HAVE TO HANG OUT AT A GOT-DAMN BUS STOP WITH YOUR BACK TURNED TO EVERYBODY. Just sayin' you ever been stabbed by an angry homeless man wearing nothing but two different shoes and a scowl? That shit'll put a damper on a weekend, lemme tell ya.

Bus Shelters Turn Wait Times Into Neighbourhood Deathmatches [kotaku]

Thanks to Jerry, who's on his way to San Francisco right now to relieve them of all those large touch-screen displays. Get me one!

Jan 21 2011 "Twin Suns Visible From Earth By 2012"?!


Pfft, you can already see thousands of suns every night!

Some nutjob, probably high on telescope-cleaning fluid, is convinced Betelgeuse (the star, not the Tim Burton movie) is going to supernova soon, resulting in the brief appearance of two suns in the sky. Wait a minute -- TWO SUNS?! *lathering on sunscreen*

Dr. Brad Carter, Senior Lecturer of Physics at the University of Southern Queensland, outlined the scenario to news.com.au. Betelgeuse, one of the night sky's brightest stars, is losing mass, indicating it is collapsing. It could run out of fuel and go super-nova at any time.

When that happens, for at least a few weeks, we'd see a second sun, Carter says. There may also be no night during that timeframe.

The Star Wars-esque scenario could happen by 2012, Carter says... or it could take longer. The explosion could also cause a neutron star or result in the formation of a black hole 1300 light years from Earth, reports news.com.au.

Admittedly, that will be pretty cool to see when it happens. Stress on WHEN. But more importantly, what's the ruling on bars staying open 24-hours during the constant daylight? I say we get some legislation drafted pronto. Stress on DRAFTED. Get it?! Like keg beer. God I just wanna drink it all!

Two Suns? Twin Stars Could Be Visible From Earth By 2012 [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to Elizabeth, Anna and Dustin, who'd all rather see two moons. Hey -- careful what you wish for, guys! [Insert "that's no moon" joke here]

Jan 21 2011 Screwed!: Apple's iPhone Repair Will Replace Your Screws With Harder To Remove Ones


Girl them some funky-ass nips!

Because Apple doesn't want you poking and prodding around inside their (read: your) products, if you send them your iPhone 4 to be repaired it'll now be returned with harder-to-remove screws. WHAT THE CRAPPLE, APPLE?!

This is to make it impossible to open the iPhone and tinker around inside it. Granted, most people have no real reason to ever do this, but a key part of ownership of something is having the ability to do what you want to it. By changing something you own in such a way after you've bought it, Apple is removing your ability to fully use your product.

Pfft, who the hell designs a screw-head that looks like a woman's flowery sphincter anyways!? *ahem* Steve. You krinkier than a butthole fulla iPods.

Apple is replacing screws in iPhones to make them impossible to open [dvice]

Thanks to Phil, who opens his iPhone the old fashioned way: dropping it on the bathroom floor trying to answer a call while pissing.

Jan 21 2011 TO THE EXTREME!: Midnight-Surfing


This is a short (but beautiful) video of Mark Visser surfing in the middle of the night in Maui with some sort of special lighting rig that prevented the footage from turning out like your first failed sex tape (although, to your audio-capture credit: I could hear the disappointment in your partner's voice loud and clear).

The shots of him riding a 40-foot wave is so perfectly awesome that it looks computer generated at times. But it's not. He was wearing a buoyancy vest and a modified surfboard with built-in LED lighting.

The lighting technologies were created especially for the project by Solus Corporation using ground breaking NASA submarine lighting to ensure the wave and board were lit in the right places, at the right time and illuminated the wave without hindering the vision of Visser, the jet ski drivers and the helicopter pilots.

Listen, I'll be the first to admit I'm afraid to get in the ocean even during the day so you can f***ing FORGET about me ever going in at night I did this years ago but a sharkodile ate my camera copter.

Hit the jump for the short video.

Continue Reading " TO THE EXTREME!: Midnight-Surfing "

Jan 21 2011 Frosty The Snowman Travels 5,314 Miles In Super-Insulated Box To Treat Desert-Dwelling Children in Bahrain To First Feel Of Snow


But you know Frosty's claustrophobic!

Remember the first time you touched snow? I don't. I do remember the first time I packed a snowball with a dog turd in it though, so that's something. Something that hit my little sister in the back of the head and got me grounded!

Panasonic held a contest on where it looked for ideas that spawned a mission to let some kids in Bahrain see snow for the first time. Panasonic used some of its cool high-tech vacuum insulation, packed a snowman away inside a box, and put it on a plane to start its 5,314-mile journey to the desert and the waiting kids.

As Frosty started to melt, the kids got to have snowball fights and build their own mini snowmen too.

Pretty cool, right? There's several more pictures of Frosty and the kids after the jump, which, while heartwarming (and snowmelting!), are nowhere near as interesting as the fact that not one but TWO of the Bahraini children are wearing Spongebob Squarepants shirts. SHIIIIIIIIT -- YA'LL GET DOWN WITH KRABBY PATTIES TOO?!

Hit the jump for the rest.

Continue Reading " Frosty The Snowman Travels 5,314 Miles In Super-Insulated Box To Treat Desert-Dwelling Children in Bahrain To First Feel Of Snow "

Jan 21 2011 'The Big Beginning': Latest Symphony Of Science Discusses Origin Of The Universe


For those counting and not just staring at the clock waiting for the weekend to arrive, this is the eighth (8th) installment in the autotuned Symphony of Science series. It deals with the beginnings of the universe, which, from the information I've gathered from that picture, possibly involved a man in a motorized wheelchair.

It deals with the origins of our universe, covering the Big Bang theory, expansion and cooling of the universe, formation of galaxies, the interplay between matter and anti-matter, and cosmic radiation. The music video features Stephen Hawking, Richard Dawkins, Carl Sagan, Tara Shears, and Neil deGrasse Tyson.

This one isn't really as musical as some of the others, but there is some learning to be had if you can get past all the wah-wahs. Unfortunately, I could not, which is why I'm still convinced we're all just figments of Stephen Hawking's imagination. "But then how was Stephen made?" GAAAAAAAHH -- I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET HIGH AND THINK ABOUT IT.

Hit the jump for the big bangs.

Continue Reading " 'The Big Beginning': Latest Symphony Of Science Discusses Origin Of The Universe "

Jan 21 2011 All The Rage In Japan: Light-Up LED Teeth


All the rage in the GW is enough to destroy half a continent.

LED teeth attachments: they glow when you smile and can change colors. Plus they make an electric "buzz" whenever they light up. Alternatively, chew on a glowstick. Which I've actually done before when I was rolling (OFL, silly!) and ended up drinking. SPOILER: the green ones DO NOT contain superpowers.

The new fashion accessories were originally created as an experiment by two Japanese designers and are now being used in a commercial advertising a winter sale at a Japanese clothing store, Laforet Harajuku. They are quickly becoming a sought after accessory.

The LED smiles can easily be affixed to your teeth and glow different colors while you smile. The colors can be changed wirelessly through a computer interface.

Mr. Ishibashi and Daito Manabe, the other designer and technologist on the project, are offering workshops in Japan showing people how to build their own LED smiles.

So, let me get a head-count -- how many of you would wear LED teeth? Zero, really? Well congratulations on not disappointing me for once.

Hit the jump for another shot and two videos, one showing them off close-up, and another of a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls wandering around with the things.

Continue Reading " All The Rage In Japan: Light-Up LED Teeth "

Jan 20 2011 8-Bit Interview: VG Characters Apply For Jobs


8-Bit Interview is a minute and a half of video game characters applying for a job. It's hit-n-miss, but I'd still hire the following: Link, Peppy and Solid Snake. The rest I would not only NOT hire, but sue for sexual harassment. "Geez GW, remind me to never work for you." *flailing* MY BUTT THAT GUY JUST TOUCHED MY BUTT!

Hit the jump for the video. THERE -- HE JUST DID IT AGAIN!

Continue Reading " 8-Bit Interview: VG Characters Apply For Jobs "

Jan 20 2011 Knokkers: Like Pool, But With Bowling Balls


Knokkers (slogan: Knokkers are big fun!) is a giant game of pool with no sticks and bowling balls instead of billiard ones. [Insert 10lb balls joke here] It's the brainchild of Steve Wienecke, who undoubtedly stayed up countless nights trying to think up a better name than Big Balls Bangin'. (I would've just run with it, Steve).

...the first playable version was built in his backyard in Fredericktown, Missouri using loads of railway ties, gravel and of course concrete. The game is played pretty much exactly like standard 8-ball pool, the only real difference is that before your shot you're allowed to pick up and move the cue ball, though you can't move your feet once you've touched it. Steve is currently working with investors as they design a portable version of the game that doesn't require a permanent backyard investment, including more durable 6-pound balls that can stand up to the constant collisions experienced during a regular game.

I'm not gonna lie, I'd get drunk and play it. Also, shuffleboard. "Jesus GW, what are you, 80?" No, but I probably have the liver and bladder of one! "OMG, ARE YOU PEEING YOUR PANTS RIGHT NOW?!" I don't know -- am I?

Official Site
Facebook Page
Knokkers - Billiards & Bowling, Together At Last! [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Stephan, who admits the closest he's every come to playing with Knokkers is mashing his own moobs together in the mirror. Okay now that's just f***ing sad.

Jan 20 2011 Cookbook Review!: 'Cooking For Geeks'


[GW's Note: I've set the microwave on fire twice, this review is presented without commentary by my ladyfriend]

Cooking for Geeks ($22) is not your typical, boring-ass cookbook with recipes -- oh no -- it's jam-packed with scienc-y stuff! Jeff Potter takes an Alton Brown-esque approach to scientifically explain what's actually happening to your ingredients while you cook. Reading through the chapters, you explore the chemistry behind manipulating variables within a recipe to generate different results. Potter really gets down to the nitty gritty. Don't like to read a lot? That's okay, there's plenty of pictures, charts and graphs to visually explain the information as well. Truthfully, it can get really geeky at times, like when Jeff imagines the cook as a hacker and relates the recipe in computer code, but that might work for some people.

Fortunately for me, Potter also provides plenty of tips on how to cook with alcohol, GW's favorite ingredient. Plus there are still tons of tasty recipes when you're ready to start experimenting (like a scientist!). The GW requested: the mac 'n cheese with béchamel sauce, rice congee, chocolate port cake and the poached pears in red wine and caramel. The reaction was pretty much the same across the board, and I quote "Mmmmmm! Boner boner boner boner boner!" (he's got refined tastes). Long story long, if you're a curious geek, interested in the chemistry of cooking, I'd suggest checking it out. Bon appetitties!

P.S. Keep your eyes peeled for my debut cookbook, 'Cooking for the GW', which will include many of his favorites like, "That Bomb-Ass Sandwich You Make", "Skittles for Breakfast", "Chocolate Milk Straight From the Carton" and "Whipped-Cream Titties" (his personal fave).

Hit the jump for a shot of each dish I made.

Continue Reading " Cookbook Review!: 'Cooking For Geeks' "

Jan 20 2011 Learn When To Stay In: Cars Fly Down Icy Hill


This is a video from Pittsburgh earlier this week of a bunch of people who refused to stay inside and enjoy a nice cozy fire and instead decided to plow their cars down an icy hill and smash the shit out of everything in sight and nearly die. Smart! The best performances are the Suburban at the very beginning and the car immediately after, which you'll just have to see to believe. Hit it, Ms. Underwood!

♫ Jesus, take the wheel!
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel! ♫

Both hands, Jesus, BOTH HANDS! What in the -- ARE YOU TEXTING GOD?!

Hit the jump for two versions of the video (the non-Youtube one has better quality).

Continue Reading " Learn When To Stay In: Cars Fly Down Icy Hill "

Jan 20 2011 Samsung Cell Phone's 'Fake Call' Feature


This is a shot from a Samsung cell phone's instruction manual (they still come with those?!) that explains how to make fake calls to "get out of meetings or unwanted conversations" (read: "pretend you have friends"). That said, I do this kind of thing all the time to impress people at the bar with my fame. *Hello -- [insert celebrity name]? Hoho, how you been ol' bean? How's the fam? Oh you know, the uje -- just having a drank or twenty. Had sex in the trunk of a car again yesterday, that was pretty crazy. And not just with the spare tire this time! Haha, yeah, there was a roadside emergency kit too. You know, we should really collaborate on a project sometime soon, really rake in those millions. Anyway, gotta run -- chow, dahling!* "GW, please tell me you don't have those conversations holding a empty soup-can to your ear". WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?! It's an empty artichoke jar. *bring-bring!* Sorry, I need to take this.

Built-In Cellphone Feature of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Jan 20 2011 Ashes To Ashes, Hot Water To...Dust?


Note: Video that you may have already seen is after the jump.

Seen here looking colder than an Antarctic witch's nips, Youtube user samantha683 prepares to throw a cupful of boiling water into the -30°C (-22°F) air and show you what happens. SPOILER: she accidentally hits the cameraman and melts his face off. No, no she doesn't. The water just instantly turns to dust. Not real dust though because real dust is mostly dead skin cells and fly @$$holes -- it just looks like dust. And you know what else looks like dust? Nothing, it's pretty unique. Belly button lint isn't though, which is how I managed to pack my navel with dingleberries and convince my girlfriend to pick them out.

Hit the jump and watch the magic in action.

Continue Reading " Ashes To Ashes, Hot Water To...Dust? "

Jan 20 2011 Video Camera Attached To Bow And Arrow


Seen here looking suspiciously like your uncle, Youtube user jerimiahjw went and attached little keychain cameras to arrows and shot them into the wild blue yonder. He even took both rear-facing AND full-frontal shots, so you get to see it all (hummina hummina!). Plus he slowed down the footage in several scenes so you can appreciate the scenery. Suck it Robin Hood, Prince of Boring! Next up: attaching cameras to bullets. "GW, that's impossible". Nothing's impossible! "Yes, tons of things are impossible and that's one of them." Oh yeah? Well not in fantasy-land! "No such place". LISTEN BUDDY, DON'T GO SHITTING ON FANTASY-LAND JUST BECAUSE YOUR LIFE SUCKS. *casts spell to make your ballsack shrink so tight you're in constant pain*

Hit the jump for the worthwhile footage.

Continue Reading " Video Camera Attached To Bow And Arrow "

Jan 20 2011 Jurassic Park Theme Played 1,000% Slower


Note: The most romantic hour of audio to make sweet, prehistoric love to is after the jump.

This is John Williams' iconic theme to Jurassic Park slowed down 1,000%, stretching it out to just under an hour of pure, unadulterated sensuality. Just kidding, I adulterated it right before starting this post. FIRSTIES! Now I wanna hear it played backwards to see if it contains any secret messages about how to actually make dinosaurs. "Step 1: put your penis in one". DAMMIT YOU KNOW I'M STARTING FROM SCRATCH!

Hit the jump and prepare to be lullabied to sleep at your desk.

Continue Reading " Jurassic Park Theme Played 1,000% Slower "

Jan 19 2011 The Future, It's Now: Self-Driving Automobiles


Seen here driving like most @$$holes I see around here looking a little too happy for a guy who's still gonna spill scalding coffee on his nuts when the truck in front of him stops, a man demonstrates the luxury of a self-driving car. Like we're supposed to believe he wouldn't be masturbating!

Self-driving cars have left the realm of science fiction thanks to the European Safe Road Trains for the Environment (SARTRE) project and a little help from the safety-obsessives at Volvo.

SARTRE has been researching and developing a new system that enables a convoy of cars to be autonomously led behind a vehicle manned by a professional driver. The lead vehicle of the "train" isn't anything special - just a cargo truck - but the Volvo S60 on his six is outfitted with a range of sensors, monitors and motors which allow it to follow in its path. A network of these vehicles could tuck in behind each other and allow the drivers to sit back, enjoy a cup of coffee and get through the morning paper on their way to work. Some version of the system is expected to become a reality by 2020

So, uh, I still have to trust the lead-truck driver to not steer all us lemmings off a cliff? I'm not sure how I feel about that. Wait, yes I do, and I don't like it. "But GW, think of the possibilities!" Right, like still crashing into a ditch while texting? Thanks but no thanks, Road Trains, but I'd rather get tangled in power lines jetpacking to work any day.

4:00 video that I may or may yes have only watched 1:00 of after the jump.

Continue Reading " The Future, It's Now: Self-Driving Automobiles "

Jan 19 2011 Future Planes: On The Wings Of Tomorrow


Planes: they go fast, get you from here to there, and I have to get preeeeetty drunk to step foot on one. But hopefully not so drunk I pass out under a row of seats at the gate and wake up outside security. *ahem* I'm looking at you, LAX. Somebody touched my butt, I f***ing know it.

NASA has taken the wraps off three concept designs for quiet, energy efficient aircraft that could potentially be ready to fly as soon as 2025...The designs come from Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman and The Boeing Company. In the final months of 2010, each of these companies won a contract from NASA to research and test their concepts during 2011.

According to NASA: "[E]ach design has to fly up to 85 percent of the speed of sound; cover a range of approximately 7,000 miles; and carry between 50,000 and 100,000 pounds of payload, either passengers or cargo. For the rest of this year, each team will be exploring, testing, simulating, keeping and discarding innovations and technologies to make their design a winner."

Apparently, NASA is aiming to develop a line of super-planes that larger, faster, quieter, and that burn fuel slower and cleaner than their present counterparts.

No, apparently NASA is GIVING UP ON SPACE. WTF, BROSKI?! You used to be all, "to the moon, Mars, and beyond!", and now you're all, "planes". Shit's weak! Granted not as weak as Northrop Grumman's concept (after the jump), but I can recognize a 5-minute rendering job when I see one. That one was two, tops.

Hit the jump to see Northrop Grumman's and Lockheed Martin's designs.

Continue Reading " Future Planes: On The Wings Of Tomorrow "

Jan 19 2011 Don't Tell The Bums: Heated Bus Stop 'Ovens'


In an attempt to win friends and influence people sell more bacon, egg & cheese biscuits, Caribou coffee shops had these bus stop oven ads placed around Minneapolis. You see, they're heated. Aaaaaaaand probably overflowing with homeless people by now. Just a heads up, Caribou: do not, I repeat, DO NOT remove the ads before spring comes or you can expect every last one of your coffee shops to be looted and burnt to the ground. Just sayin', I've been to Minneapolis in the winter before. Tried pissing my pants a little to stay warm and froze my pecker to my boxers. True story.

Caribou Coffee Installs a Toaster Oven Bus Stop Display [foodbeast]

Thanks to bekka t, who refuses to go anywhere near an oven after seeing what one can do to a My Little Pony. And to Laura, who actually lives in Minneapolis and says she goes through six of those little hand-warming packs a day. Try eating one.

Jan 19 2011 Street Cred, You Just Lost It: 'Blog Life' Tattoo


Same goes for any interweb-cred.

This is Geekologie Reader Jian's 'Blog Life' tattoo. It's on the inside of his hands, which are surprisingly hair-free. Kidding brah -- I'm just jealous I didn't think of it first. It's a hard life us bloggers live, you know? What with all the booze and frequent napping. Shiiiiiiiiiiit, sometimes I even miss 'The Price is Right'. Not cool, homey! Also: this forty BUT IMMA DRANK IT ANYWAY.


Thanks to Jian, who I actually have no right to judge (I have Taz in a whirlwind coming out of my pubes).

Jan 19 2011 Faceybooks: The Informational Graphic


Note: That's nowhere near the whole thing, Click HERE to see it all.

This is an informational graphic all about the Faceybooks, which I basically only use anymore to update the Geekologie Fan Page and bitch & whine via status-update (UGH -- I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE WHO _______, GOD!). Needless to say, this thing has gotten a whole lot bigger than any of us expected and must be stopped -- at any cost. Unless that cost is actually anything out-of-pocket, in which case forget it. SKYNET will do the all heavy lifting in not too long anyways. And by then, my friends, I already plan on being halfway to Alpha Centauri too drunk to care. I SAID FIGHT YOUR OWN DAMN WAR -- DO I LOOK LIKE JOHN MARSTON TO YOU?! "Uh GW -- don't you mean John Connor?" *pretending to swing lasso*

Image of the Day: is Facebook taking over our lives? [dvice]

Thanks to Jason C., who's still clinging to Myspace like a sinking ship. Hell yeah -- Titanic that shit, son!

Jan 19 2011 Next, They Build Themselves: Autonomous Quadrocopters Constructing Tower On Own


This is a disturbing video of a team of autonomous quadrocopters building some sort of tower on their own. It appears be some kind of temple. Huh? YES "OF DOOM" WHAT OTHER KIND OF TEMPLE ARE AUTONOMOUS FLYING ROBOTS GONNA BUILD, DUMMY?!

The GRASP Lab quadrocopters were impressive enough by themselves, all slashing and swooping through the air with unerring precision, but then their makers had to go and give them the intelligence to work in groups and today the inevitable has happened: they've learned how to construct things! Sure, the structures are rudimentary, but we can recognize the beginnings of human containment cells when we see them.

Hey, at least somebody else out there is taking this whole robot apocalypse thing seriously. For awhile there I thought I was the only one. And, despite what the recruitment commercials might lead you to believe, an army of one is actually the worst kind of army. Basically you're just laser-fodder. Just sayin', ever been teabagged by a robot before? Like getting smothered between two wrecking balls.

Hit the jump for the "that's it, you've gone way too far" in action.

Continue Reading " Next, They Build Themselves: Autonomous Quadrocopters Constructing Tower On Own "

Jan 19 2011 Money Can't Buy Class (Or In This Case Even A Decent Car!): $675K Diamond & Gold Fiat


Seen here looking like the gaudy lovechild of a Smart Car that rear-ended a Mini, a $675,000 diamond and gold Fiat 500C was recently commissioned by a Chinese business man (with zero negative taste and decency).

The car is set to be called "La Dolce Vita Gold and Diamonds 200hp" and - as you may already have guessed - features heavy use of diamonds and gold, and has been tweaked to give 200hp.

The exterior features 24k gold in the paint and gold thread in the hood. Inside, meanwhile, there is teak on the floor, dashboard and steering wheel, and 24k gold controls and inserts on the dash. Tasteful.

There is one genuinely interesting innovation, however - space on the dash for an integrated iPad. Sadly, that's been diamond-encrusted too.

Now I'm not saying this is definitely the vehicle to carjack and crowbar the dashboard out of, but I AM going to take the airbags too. Airbags? Where you're going you don't need airbags (your ass is going in the trunk is the thing).

Hit the jump for a shot of the interior and video mockup.

Continue Reading " Money Can't Buy Class (Or In This Case Even A Decent Car!): $675K Diamond & Gold Fiat "

Jan 19 2011 PSA: Stay In School And Study Hard, Kids


This is a proposed warning to print in the front of science textbooks to remind children to take their educations seriously. Because, let's not kid ourselves -- nobody wants to be left out of the dino rodeo. Me most of all. Unfortunately, like learning to tie my own shoes or use the microwave, my window of opportunity slammed shut (on my scrote!) years ago. Sadly, it's all velcro and pb&j's for this guys. But you young guns -- there's still hope for you. LEARN, DAMMIT -- LEARN! Then, when you ARE the first person to clone a dinosaur, call me, and we'll be BFF's. Or at least pretend to be until I brain you with a bag of frozen peas and sex your whole dino park. Ever made love to a Stegosaurus while trying to hold your wiener steady between two strands of electric fencing? Think playing 'Operation', but with your penis on the line. Shit just got real, son! Real good feeling.

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

Thanks to Jax, SNAFUPAGUS and Erin, who sleep on textbooks because they're convinced they can learn through osmosis. Uh, guys? How many years of 8th grade is it gonna take to realize it doesn't work?

Jan 18 2011 Enterprise Crew Testing New 'Acid Drive'


This is a short video of the USS Enterprise crew testing their new Acid-Drive. Granted it looks a lot more like an Ecstasy-Drive to me, but what do you expect from a bunch of half-assed Federation subcontractors? SPOILER: Deflector shields that couldn't stop a thrown tennis ball and a transporter that can't beam people up without swapping their genitals. Just sayin', glad I rode with Geordi!

Hit the jump and treat yourself to a seizure.

Continue Reading " Enterprise Crew Testing New 'Acid Drive' "

Jan 18 2011 The Trenta, Starbucks' New 31-Ounce Cup


Starting May 3rd, Starbucks will offer a 916mL (~31oz) 'Trenta' (Italian: stomach ulcer) cup for cold coffee dranks so you can finally score the double-shot of fatass buttcheeks you've always wanted. Come on baby, daddy wants to crack a toilet seat!

Graphic: How big, exactly, is Starbucks' new 'Trenta' size? [nationalpost]

Thanks to Alan, Robo-Arm (I'LL BREAK YOU!) and Max, who was just as surprised as The Superficial Writer they're not calling it the Britney Spears.

Jan 18 2011 Daddy Needs A Six-Pack: Whisky In A Can


Whiskey: it's brown and tastes like an antique rocking chair. *getting all teary-eyed* F*** I just love it so much.

A Panama-based liquor company is producing whisky in a can. The company, Scottish Spirits, is the first to put straight whisky in a can, and it's being promoted as an option for outdoor venues, as it's light-weight and recyclable. Also because people at outdoor venues want to drink lots of whisky?

Scottish Spirits suggests splitting it between three people, because it's the size of a regular beer can. Seriously: it's twelve ounces, or eight shots worth of whisky. Which is a lot for a container that's not resealable.

No, it's not a lot for a container that's not resealable. 24-ounces, maybe. No word yet on cost or availability, but if you think I'm not gonna walk around wearing a six-pack for a belt, you've got another thing coming. Namely, a stumbling GW with his pants around his ankles asking for a chaser.

Scotch Whisky in a Can Contains Eight Shots of Liquor [eater]

Thanks to Nicole, barrett, Jess and jason, who all know what I like. BOOZE THE ANSWER IS BOOZE.

Jan 18 2011 Pull My Finger!: Clever Gas Mask Ring Set


I have a German-issued gas mask that I keep on my bookshelf in case shit hits the fan and starts splattering everywhere and smelling all ooky. That one's functional. This one, not so much. But it does look kinda cool in an apocalyptic sort of way.

This is a pure silver ring from Alchemy Gothic, made to order for Manillusion only. Complete with rubber hose and slave ring. We have only two rings, in two different sizes, and will measure them happily for you.

$613 takes a set home, but probably won't protect your fingers from picking up a funk if you've been diddling your partner's privates. Use hand sanitizer acid.

Product Site
The Gas Mask Ring For Extreme Hand Gassiness [obviouswinner]

Thanks to Ben, who once pulled a friend's finger and lost smell in both nostrils.

Jan 18 2011 Hot Wheels, Now With POV Video Cameras


Ever wondered what the little make-believe drivers in your Hot Wheels cars see when you race them through a loopty-loop or jump a trashcan filled with burning printer paper? Well now you can thanks to Mattel's Hot Wheels Video Racers, a series of Hot Wheels cars (not Barbies) with integrated point-of-view cameras. Hot damn? No -- hot wheels. *beating myself in the groin with a tire-iron*

Mattel's Video Racer is the much-needed upgrade that Hot Wheels cars have been dying for. Equipped with a small video camera that can record at 30 to 60 frames per second, the Video Racer will be able to shoot footage of itself roaring down the stunt track. Video can be played back on the small LCD located on the belly of the car or downloaded to a computer via USB. A special Hot Wheels video editor will even let you cut all of the zany clips together.

Pretty cool, right? The cars drop this fall and are expected to go for around $60, which is great news considering my health insurance is about to expire and I'm due for another colonoscopy. *stuffing end of track into butthole*

Hit the jump for a worthwhile demo of a car at CES 2011.

Continue Reading " Hot Wheels, Now With POV Video Cameras "

Jan 18 2011 Damn You Brazen!: How To Steal A Laptop


This is a video of some jerk stealing a laptop out of some other dude's bookbag at the Oyster Boy restaurant in the Philippines (I haven't been yet). That's the laptop bookbag with the arrow pointing at it there. Basically the thief just sits down, uses his foot to pull the bag toward him, unzips it, grabs the laptop and skedaddles. Think 'Oceans 11' except with a single Asian kid. The suspect hasn't been caught though so if you have any information ("he looks Filipino!") you're encouraged to notify the authorities. What? Geekologie is huge in the Philippines! Also, my pants (sometimes I stuff my drawls with the website instead of a sock).

Hit the jump and skip to 1:30 to see the thief make his entrance.

Continue Reading " Damn You Brazen!: How To Steal A Laptop "

Jan 18 2011 OMG They're Cousins: X-Men Family Tree


Note: Full-res version of the tree HERE.

This is a family tree (which is nowhere near as complicated as THIS behemoth) as created by illustrator Matt Stone showing the relationships of various X-Men characters. As you can see, it's a lot more complicated than your family tree, which is a telephone pole. You gotta get outta West Virginia, son! Kidding, I was actually born there in the same hospital by the same doctor as my paw. Yuk yuk! (It's true though is the thing)

Matt's Website
XMen Family Tree [izit]

Thanks to Rob, Natalie and sam, who don't date superheroes because the sex is too dangerous.

Jan 18 2011 Peepin' With The Fishies: See-Thru Boats


Ever wanted a clear canoe or kayak so you can see what's going down in the water below you? Personally I've always been too scared, especially if it has anything to do with sharks. Still, when I was a kid I did throw fish-food on the floor of a glass-bottom boat, so there's that.

Lighter than a wood or aluminum canoe, tough as bullet-proof glass and entirely transparent on the bottom, these designs provide a completely new way to experience water life around you.

It gets better: the kayak equivalent to the transparent canoe is a carbon kevlar frame design that has a military-grade transparent urethane skin - and it folds up small enough to carry with you in a backpack. Setting it up to be water-worthy takes about a half an hour but the lightweight portability means you can bring it virtually anywhere.

Hey, if you've ever wanted to flash your privates at a school (OF FISH, PERVERT!!!), now's your chance. The canoe goes for $1,650 and the folding kayak for a staggering $4,300. Which -- have you ever seen two mermaids make love before? Me neither, Animal Planet.

Hit the jump for several more shots, including the kayak, and a link to the product site.

Continue Reading " Peepin' With The Fishies: See-Thru Boats "

Jan 17 2011 What, No Jacuzzi?!: Swiss Army Bathroom


A whole bathroom in a tidy little column, what will they come up with next? *Please say Everlasting Gobstoppers, please say Everlasting Gobstoppers* "No-wipe toilet paper". I'll take it!

The veritable Swiss Army bathroom has 7 rotating modules stacked and skewered to shrink bathroom footprints. Here's how it works: Services are fed from the top of the product through a hole in the ceiling, and waste pipes can be directed through a hole in the floor, or through the wall. It can be installed in a corner (with 100 degree rotation) or you can opt for Centre installation (with continuous rotation for most modules, and 200 degrees for others). Hidden TP and toilet brush storage are built in. Each unit is constructed of 3mm aluminum with 175 color choices in either a matte or gloss finish.

All this can be yours for about $10,000.

There's a diagram highlighting what each module does after the jump, but in case you're too lazy to push the button, I'll just break it down for you: the top two are showers, the third a cistern, fourth and fifth for storage, sixth a sink and seventh a shitter. Now I know what you're thinking -- "a sink AND a shitter, what's the purpose?" Ha, you're asking the wrong damn guy.

Hit the jump for one more shot.

Continue Reading " What, No Jacuzzi?!: Swiss Army Bathroom "

Jan 17 2011 Pac-Man Themed "Tag" Gameshow Coming?


Listen: just cancel it now and give me half the money you planned on spending.

Because modern television knows no shame, Merv Griffin Entertainment is entertaining(!) the idea of a Pac-Man themed gameshow. If produced, it will undoubtedly suck monster power-pellets.

"The idea we have is to take what Pac-Man is and bring it to life, to bring what is essentially the world's biggest game of tag to television," Merv Griffin's Roy Bank told Deadline, presumably while wiping some brownie crumbs off his face. The pitch, inspired by ABC's Wipeout, comes in time for the mascot's 30th anniversary.

The world's biggest game of tag on television -- OMG, CAN I PROGRAM A FUTURE DVR RECORDING NOW?!

Report: Pac-Man reality series in development [joystiq]

Thanks to Bastian, who -- FROM THE NEVERENDING STORY?! I'd kill for a Falkor ride!

Jan 17 2011 The Future Is Now: Scent Machine Produces Smells To Coincide With Watching Movies


Movies: first they were black & white, silent and 2-D. Now they're color, Dolby Digital and 3-D. But still odorless. Enter the ScentSciences machine, a $70 smell-wafter that releases odors to coincide with movies that've been edited with their ScentEditor software. Eh. Call me when we've got full-blown Brave New World feelies.

This year at CES, ScentSciences released a bread loaf sized product that appeals to your nose...of all things. Movies that have been created with their ScentEditor software can make you smell all the smells that you would imagine to be on screen. It's kind of a creepy way to put you more into the movie, but hey, smells are a sense we don't use during a movie other than for popcorn, so why not?

There is a scent cartridge that can hold up to 20 distinct smells and any smells you want can be custom ordered. These cartridges should last up to 200 hours and needless to say that's a lot of time to smell things.

Just a heads up: if smell-o-vision ever takes off I can and will carry a constant supply of stink-bombs around to ruin your experience. Reminds me of the first time I set some off at a high-school assembly. They broke in my pocket while I was shaking my wiener dry at the urinal. I vomited, passed out on the bathroom floor, and got suspended. Best prank ever or best prank ever?! (I still have glass shards in my balls)

ScentScape brings smells to your movies [redferret]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who farted when Jar-Jar appeared on screen and everybody thought it was part of the experience.

Jan 17 2011 CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE A DINOSAUR: Scientists Promise Woolly Mammoth Cloning


Thanks to a new breakthrough in cloning technology, scientists are claiming we could have real-life woolly mammoths lumbering around Jurassic Pleistocene Parks in as little as four years. Really? THEN CUT THE CRAP AND GIVE ME A DINO ALREADY YOU WOOLLY WANKERS.

Previous efforts in the 1990s to recover nuclei in cells from the skin and muscle tissue from mammoths found in the Siberian permafrost failed because they had been too badly damaged by the extreme cold.

But a technique pioneered in 2008 by Dr. Teruhiko Wakayama, of the Riken Centre for Developmental Biology, was successful in cloning a mouse from the cells of another mouse that had been frozen for 16 years.

Now that hurdle has been overcome, Akira Iritani, a professor at Kyoto University, is reactivating his campaign to resurrect the species that died out 5,000 years ago.

He intends to use Dr Wakayama's technique to identify the nuclei of viable mammoth cells before extracting the healthy ones.

After scoring a viable nuclei, they just inject that sucker into the egg of an African elephant, slap the whole thing up its vaj and, 600-days of gestation(!!!!!!!!111) later, a woolly mammoth plops out! Simple as that (just grosser to watch). Just sayin', you ever seen an elephant give birth before? Like the biggest vagina you've ever seen blowing a bubble. (VIDEO IS PUKEY AS HELL -- YOU'VE BEEN WARNED)

Mammoth 'could be reborn in four years' [telegraph]

Thanks to Eric, Mr. Sausage, antoine, Riku, Emma, TB-303 and BritNY, who question why scientists even want to clone a woolly mammoth considering you could just, oh I don't know, GLUE A SHAG RUG TO AN ELEPHANT.

Jan 17 2011 You're A Real Person?!: Vampire Fangs Girl


Please note: if you're a female and into Twilight this is how guys view you, except with even more f***ed up eyebrows.

This is a short video of some chick who got her dentist to make fangs out of dental composite and permanently attach them to her teeth. As you can see, they look like not a fun place for a wiener to hang out. Trust me. *ahem* I'm looking at you, Jaws! Huh? Haha, what do you mean, "the shark or the James Bond henchman"?! Both you dummy!

Hit the jump for the WTF'ery.

Continue Reading " You're A Real Person?!: Vampire Fangs Girl "

Jan 17 2011 Too Far, You Went There: The TRON Audi R8


West Coast Customs teamed up with Monster Cables (WTF?!) to produce a TRON-themed Audi R8 because -- well -- I don't know why. Something about poor decision making and overpriced wires.

The car itself is an Audi R8, a car whose electric version has graced the digital pages of CNET UK once before, thanks to its clever wireless-charging capabilities. Very sneaky stuff.

This version of the R8, however, isn't quite so subtle -- with glowing rims, glowing vents, a glowing back seat and a chrome finish so perfectly reflective that you can check your hair and makeup in the car's bonnet. All the glowing bits gradually fade through a series of colours too, for added Tron-style excellence.

Those clever West Coast Customs lads have certainly done a good job adhering to the source material, even if this car is so shiny it's not likely to be road legal -- imagine catching an eyeful of your own headlights reflected in this beast...

Too shiny to be street legal? Well there goes my mirror-car! Seriously, it just drove by. Should probably stop leaving my keys in the ignition. But you know what they say, "hindsight's 20/20". Unless your looking in your rearview and my mirror-car's behind you, IN WHICH CASE THAT SHIT IS BLINDING.

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots of a wasted Audi.

Continue Reading " Too Far, You Went There: The TRON Audi R8 "

Jan 17 2011 Needs Wormholes: The Star Wars Galaxy Map


I don't care if you used to bulls-eye womp rats in your T-16 back home, there's no way you can read that. Click HERE to see the thing in its full-res glory.

Ever wanted a map of the entire Star Wars galaxy to hang above your bed because supermodel posters give you a boner and it's awkward when your mom comes to wake you up in the morning morning? Enter the Star Wars Galaxy poster, a (get this!) poster of the Star Wars galaxy. Haha, where's Alderaan?

Star Wars Galaxy Map Finally Lets You Plot Those Imperial Trade Routes [fanboy]

Thanks to Eric, who stopped making the Kessel Run after they closed the In-N-Out near Formos.

Jan 17 2011 Not False Advertising: 'Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge' Candy Bars Are Actually Toxic


Mmmm, secret ingredients!

Pakistan-produced 'Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge' candy bars were recently found to contain more than twice the PPM (parts per million) of lead tolerated by the FDA. Pfft, can you ever really have too much lead? (I pop fishing weights like candy, just sayin')

The company said a recent test performed by the California Department of Public Health has indicated that a lot (#8288A) of the cherry flavor candy contained elevated levels of lead (0.24 parts per million; the U.S. FDA tolerance is 0.1 ppm).

Out of an abundance of caution, according to Candy Dynamics, all lots and all flavors of the product distributed from the product's inception in 2007 through January 2011 are part of the recall.

Wait -- recalling candy produced in 2007? It's a little late for that! You can't recall things I already ate! Except last night's Thai, because that shit's coming out in like twenty. Literally -- and probably in the handicapped stall of the women's restroom. Oh I'm bad.

Don't Eat the Toxic Waste Cherry Chews [foodsafetynews]

Thanks to Reed, Samuel and Daniel, who don't eat candy unless it's toxic because they really want superpowers that bad.

Jan 14 2011 Cartoon Cosplay: An Anime Burlesque Show


Note: Jump probably NSFW on account of cartoon fantasies coming to life.

Anime characters: they're smokin' hot, amirite? WRONG!! THEY'RE ALL LIKE 12 YOU F***ING SICKOS. "Hello, police? Yeah I've got a whole website of perverts here that need your attention. Oh -- and bring extra tasers." *quick, GW, distract them while the cops get here!* Anyway, the anime-themed show took place at Bordello Bar here in LA (per usual) and the characters and shows they're from are, in this order: Sailor Moon from Sailor Moon, Pikachu from Pokemon, Ichigo Momomiya from Tokyo Mew Mew, Lust from Fullmetal Alchemist, Trixie from Speed Racer and Rei Ayanami from Neon Genesis Evangelion. I posted a couple shots of each after the jump, but you'll have to head over to LA Weekly to see them all. *WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO!* HAHA -- ENJOY THE CLINK, PERVERTS!

Continue Reading " Cartoon Cosplay: An Anime Burlesque Show "

Jan 14 2011 Burn Her At The Bike Rack!: Witch's Bicycle


This is a functional witch's broom bicycle. If you look under the seat, you can see the broom has actually been rigged to steer the damn thing. Which, no doubt, obviously involved some clever engineering witchcraft. Whatever the case, I think we can all agree the party responsible should be drowned in a lake.

Muggle Magic of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Carly, who was once accused of being a witch but cast a spell of pestilence on those who started it and they all died. JESUS!

Jan 14 2011 Want: This Bad-To-The-Ass Octopus Armchair


Needs an octtoman.

This is a chair shaped like an octopus. I want one, but I'll settle for four if I have to buy a set. But I won't settle for a lobster lounge chair, because that sounds ridiculous. Shark rocker, yes, shrimp stool, no. Also, I'm gonna need mine with a potty chair built in because, let's not kid ourselves, I'm never going to get up. Like, EVER. So yeah, go ahead and make it a wheelchair too. An electric one. Or gas, shit, I don't give a dang. Just as long as I don't have to push myself around, it should all be gravy. And speaking of gravy -- totally just daydreamed my electric octo-potty-throne was real and splattered the couch. *looking around* Oh, no -- still on the can after all, disregard.

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more of the impressiveness.

Continue Reading " Want: This Bad-To-The-Ass Octopus Armchair "

Jan 14 2011 The Stay Puft Marshmallow Snowman


OMG, Michelin Man joined the navy.

I really hope the hat and collar came from an old Halloween costume because otherwise somebody spent waaaaaaaay too much time on their snowman. Me? I've decided not to build one this year. And not just because I moved from D.C. to LA it's gonna be 75-degrees all week, but it is so SUCK IT, Washington -- IN YOUR ROSY-RED, FROSTBITTEN FACE!

Stay Puft Snow Man [uberreview]

Thanks to Tony, who forgot he'd packed his snowballs with gravel before pelting the mailman. I'm, uh, pretty sure that's a federal crime.

Jan 14 2011 Worst Hunter EVER: Man Injures Fox, Fox Shoots Man (Without Human-Hunting Permit!)


I'm not gonna lie bro, you wouldn't stand a chance at 'The Most Dangerous Game'.

Some dipshit moron shot a fox and, having not killed it because he sucks at aiming, decided to try beating it to death with the butt of his rifle. Only thing was, the sly fox wasn't having it.

The unnamed hunter, who had approached the fox after wounding it from a distance, was in hospital with a leg wound, while the fox made its escape, media said, citing prosecutors from the Grodno region.

"The animal fiercely resisted and in the struggle accidentally pulled the trigger with its paw," one prosecutor was quoted as saying.

Whoa whoa whoa -- prosecutors?! Please tell me they're not trying to put the poor fox in prison. THAT SHIT WAS CLEARLY SELF-DEFENSE!!

Outfoxed! Prey shoots hunter [msnbc]

Thanks to Max and Bella Meow, who don't hunt for anything but treasure. OMG -- PIRATES!! (Pleaaaaase let me join your crew)

Jan 14 2011 Raiding The Crapper: World Of Warcraft Couple Create A Horde-Themed Bathroom


Orc shits, yo. Don't even BOTHER lighting a match.

A couple who enjoy playing World of Warcraft together decided to remodel one of their bathrooms with a fanciful Horde motif. That should sure raise your resale value!

My wife and I have been playing World of Warcraft for nearly five years now, and we decided to remodel our bathroom following something of a HORDE motif. Both my wife and I hope you enjoy the fruits of our labor (and yes, we did ALL the work--nothing was contracted) :)

PS--We actually met on Diablo's Battlenet back in 1997. Keep up the good work, Blizzard!!

Daaaaaaw, they've been gaming together for over 14 years! How cute is that?! Huh? Well of course not as cute as a kitten, THEY'RE WARCRAFTERS THAT BUILD A HORDE-THEMED BATHROOM FOR GOD'S SAKE. Still, props to you two. Remember: a couple that raids together, sneaks out of bed at night to log into each others' accounts and steal weapons and armor stays together.

Hit the jump for a bunch more pics of the finished product and a link to their Photobucket with a bunch more of the actual remodeling.

Continue Reading " Raiding The Crapper: World Of Warcraft Couple Create A Horde-Themed Bathroom "

Jan 14 2011 Damn You, Skynet!: IBM's Supercomputer Beats Jeopardy Contestants In Warm-Up


Seen here getting eye-f***ed by Ken Jennings, IBM's supercomputer 'Watson' beat the two most successful Jeopardy contestants to date (Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter) during a practice round before today's taping of the official showdown airing February 14th. Move over butthole-shaped chocolates, you're getting a robot apocalypse this Valentine's!

Not a single question was answered wrongly, and at the end of the match Watson, who answers questions with a cold computer voice, telegraphing his certainty with simple color changes on his "avatar," was ahead with $4,400, Ken had $3,400, and Brad had $1,200.

Alright, a "win" for silicon for now, but without any Double Jeopardy or Final Jeopardy it's hard to tell how well Watson will do in a real match. What's clear is that he isn't dumb, and it seems like the best chance the humans will have will be buzzing in before Watson can run through his roughly three second decision process and activate his buzzer mechanically. An extra plus for the audience is a graphic that shows the three answers Watson has rated as most likely to be correct, and how certain he is of the answer he selects -- we don't know if that will make it into the actual TV version, but we certainly hope so. It's always nice to know the thought processes of your destroyer.

$1,200, Brad,really? Way to make us all look bad. Geez, even I could have done better.

GW: I'll take, "Woops I just tripped over a power cord and unplugged Watson for the win please, Alex".
Alex: I'm sorry, GW, but you're still trailing Ken by $36,000.
GW: But he's been masturbating behind his podium the whole time!

Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of the practice round in action.

Continue Reading " Damn You, Skynet!: IBM's Supercomputer Beats Jeopardy Contestants In Warm-Up "

Jan 14 2011 PEW PEW!: Popping Popcorn With Lasers


This is a video of a guy popping a single kernel of popcorn using two of Wicked Lasers' 1W "Lightsaber" lasers. Yeah, and it only takes 60-seconds. WTF MAN?! The movie'll be over before your popcorn's ready! *lathering nips with butter sauce*

Hit the jump for a popcorn popping process only suitable for watching the Star Wars prequels.

Continue Reading " PEW PEW!: Popping Popcorn With Lasers "

Jan 13 2011 The Signs Of The Zodiac Have Changed, You're Now A Cancer (To Society Anyway)


Astrology, arguably the most credible of all the sciences (it can predict your future!), has apparently needed a facelift for some time, but, like gravity and plastics taking so long to invent, had managed to fly under the radar. That is, until now. Also, there's a bonus, previously unused Zodiac sign that's now in alignment! *cue 'National Treasure 3' theme*

Astronomer Parke Kunkle tells NBC news that due to the Earth's changing alignment in the last 3000 years, the sign you are born into now are different than they were long ago. Plus, some astronomers believe there is a 13th Zodiac sign called Ophiuchus, which falls between Scorpio and Sagittarius.

"This is not something that happened today. This has gone on for thousands of years," says Kunkle. "Because of this change of tilt, the Earth is really over here in effect and Sun is in a different constellation than it was 3,000 years ago."

So astrology enthusiasts should be using these dates, which reflect the current alignment of the Sun, Earth and stars.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20

Whew, still a Leo. What about you, did you change signs? Because you certainly didn't change clothes -- that's the same shit you wore yesterday! Haha, what do you mean, how could I tell? Gee I dunno -- the 'KICK ME' sign, maybe? *punt* *squeak* OMG TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST FART ON MY SHOE.

UPDATE: Only applies to the "eastern" zodiac (read: the more accurate and reliable one) and not the "western" zodiac (read: the one printed in your local newspaper via some crazy lady in a cat-filled apartment), you may now rest easy knowing your make-believe life forecast still follows the sign you've always been.

Ophiuchus, new Zodiac sign dates and your real astrological sign [zap2it]

Thanks to smessica, koolaidzeus, Staticwolf, Kid Gorgeous, PKeegs and E!K, who are all Cobras. Commanders?! PLEEAAAASE LET ME SEE YOUR FACES!

Jan 13 2011 Real-Life Superhero Phoenix Jones' Nose Discovers Its Kryptonite (SPOILER: Fists)


Look for the guy wearing Breathe-Right strips.

Just a week after making his do-gooder way around the interwebs, real-life "superhero" Phoenix Jones has had his nose broken by an evil-doer, proving two noteworthy weaknesses: 1) well-placed punches and 2) lack of quick-healing superpowers. *Wolverine laughs and lights a cigar*

Phoenix Jones's accomplices are nicknamed Thorn, Buster Doe, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88 and Penelope.

In what could turn out to be the rise of the obligatory comic-book super villain, police have been told by the group to disregard Captain Ozone or Knight Owl - because they are not part of the movement.

Phoenix Jones says he called the police when he saw a brawl brewing in Lynnwood and put one man in a headlock while he waited for police. But then another man pulled a gun and the superhero's nose was broken.

The suburban superhero, who stalks the streets in black and gold, described his injury as part and parcel of the job.

HA! The broken nose isn't even the funny part, it's the fact that these "superheroes" notified the police that Captain Ozone and Knight Owl weren't in their club! Reminds me of the time Robin called Commissioner Gordon encouraging him not to work with Batman anymore for "never giving him a reach-around". TOLD YOU HE WAS A SELFISH LOVER!

Seattle's superhero has his nose broken in fight with real-life baddy [dailymail]

Thanks to Bluness, Vince and Sally, who fight crime the safe way: watching America's Most Wanted.

Jan 13 2011 Girl, Them Lips Electric!: Pikachu Lipsticks


First panda lips, now Pikachu. What's next? SPOILER: GW working overtime to blast off this planet.

Now I know what you're thinking, but no, she won't shock your balls off. And not just because no girl in her right mind (which none are, amirite?!!!!!!11) would ever even CONSIDER getting intimate with you, but that's exactly why and you and I both know it. Besides, it looks like Pikachu just hocked up a furball anyways. Still, buck up champ -- there's bound to be some pay-for-pr0n site out there that suits your fancy. And speaking of fancy suits: my birthday one. Beard bow-tie, just sayin'!

Pucker Up, Pikachu [kotaku]

Thanks to Amanda, who was *this close* to sticking her lips to look like Charizard but was afraid of setting her boyfriend's penis on fire. I'm sure he's thankful.

Jan 13 2011 Wait -- They're Not P And G?!: The Most Searched Letters (And Numbers) On Google


For pr0n and Geekologie, yo!

Note: Full-res version of the chart HERE for those of you who refuse to admit you need glasses.

Ever wonder what the most searched letter on Google is? Of course not, who the f*** searches single letters in the first place? I assume these are all the result of people accidentally hitting 'ENTER' before finishing their query, but you never know -- maybe people actually give a shit about 'A' and 'I'. Me? Just T&A. *wink*

These Are the Most Popular Letters In the World According to Google [gizmodo]

Thanks to Jake, who was surprised to see '6' was the most searched number and not '3', as in, "3-way: how to get my girlfriend to have one'. I'm with you, 6 is a little ambitious!

Jan 13 2011 WTF Was That?!: By Far The Most Disturbing Mario-Themed Video You'll See All Month**


**Satisfaction never guaranteed.

This is a video entitled 'Nintendo: A Sad Story'. Which, while definitely sad, is even more disturbing. And as a man who already had to sleep under the bed last night due to suspected ghost activity, and I'll be damned if I have to crawl under there again with nothing to cuddle but a shoebox diorama I made of Jurassic Park. Worst big spoon EVER.

Hit the jump for 8:00 of serious WTFs (possibly NSFW on account of very disturbing imagery).

Continue Reading " WTF Was That?!: By Far The Most Disturbing Mario-Themed Video You'll See All Month** "

Jan 13 2011 Haha!: Trollin' For Women On Craigslist Fail


This is the conversation between some giant f***ing asshat (see picture) trolling for "Cali girls" on Craigslist and a potential mate. Which -- I say go for her. Unlimited HJ's, just sayin'!

Craigslist Guy Get`s A Phantom Reverse Troll [iambored]

Thanks to LiZ, who doesn't search for hookups on Craigslist because that's what the Geekologie comments section is for. You know, or depressing the everliving hell out of me.

Jan 13 2011 It Really Tied The Room Together TO HELL -- MWAHAHAHA!!: The Demon-Spawnskin Rug


This is a demon-spawnskin rug created by DeviantARTist missmonster. As far as floor coverings go, I think we can all agree it beats the shit out of the other rug in the picture, which is a towel. And speaking of towels -- did I tell you my neighbor that owns the pedovan (link to picture of actual van on Facebook) also uses old bath-towels as window treatments? I'm not even kidding, despite how much I really wish I was. Plus one time when I came home I noticed one had fallen and I accidentally saw dude's wiener while he was changing. It looked like a rotting hotdog. "Uh, GW -- how do you know what a rotting hotdog looks like?" DER-DER, I WAS OUT OF RAMEN AND STARVING!!

Hit the jump for some impressive closeups.

Continue Reading " It Really Tied The Room Together TO HELL -- MWAHAHAHA!!: The Demon-Spawnskin Rug "

Jan 13 2011 Inspirational Ad Shows NASA How It's Done


A Youtube user, fed up with how much NASA sucks at getting kids anybody excited about space, made this inspirational video showing them how it's done. It's called 'The Frontier Is Everywhere' and is really just a bunch of pictures and video set to Carl Sagan reading from his book, 'Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space'. Which -- OMG, his voice. Best bedtime story reader EVER.

NASA is the most fascinating, adventurous, epic institution ever devised by human beings, and their media sucks. Seriously. None of their brilliant scientists appear to know how to connect with the social media crowd, which is now more important than ever. In fact, NASA is an institution whose funding directly depends on how the public views them.

In all of their brilliance, NASA seems to have forgotten to share their hopes and dreams in a way the public can relate to, leaving one of humanities grandest projects with terrible PR and massive funding cuts.

"It will not be we who reach Alpha Centauri and the other nearby stars. It will be a species very like us, but with more of our strengths, and fewer of our weaknesses." OMG -- we're gonna get f***ed by aliens. Hybrids, yo! I'm not sure that's what Darwin had in mind when he went birdwatching in the Galapagos. But in all seriousness, watch and be inspired -- you won't regret it.

Hit the jump for the very worthwhile video, as well as another by Michael Martinez that apparently inspired the film (read: same words, less relevant pictures).

Continue Reading " Inspirational Ad Shows NASA How It's Done "

Jan 12 2011 Which One Of You Was This?: How To Get Fired From Domino's In Style


This is a copy of the official termination form of some assistant manager from a Domino's in Whoknows, Orcares, USA. The important part is I happen to know it's one of you. So, yeah -- go ahead and fess up (also, try using your old employee-discount to order me an extra-large with mushrooms and banana peppers). Still, I think we can all agree this is entirely Domino's loss. THIS MAN HAS 'DELIVERY DRIVER' WRITTEN ALL OVER HIM! Literally -- probably in pepperonis.

Humorous Domino's Employee Termination Record [foodbeast]

Thanks to Staticwolf, ChrisTheMan and Shenanigans, who're all lobbying to get this guy teaching 'Job Quitting 101' at their local community college.

Jan 12 2011 What Is This, The Future?!: Scientists Develop Glass That's Allegedly Stronger Than Steel


I know, I thought it was an x-ray of a dog fart too.

Scientists: they're untrustworthy and you have to take everything they say with a grain of salt. Or, in this case, a shard of glass. But allegedly a group of the lab-coated coots have developed a glass that's stronger than steel -- and bends instead of breaking. I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I HAVE A BEER BOTTLE WRAPPED AROUND MY HEAD.

"These results mark the first use of a new strategy for metallic glass fabrication and we believe we can use it to make glass that will be even stronger and more tough," says Robert Ritchie, a materials scientist who led the Berkeley contribution to the research.

The new metallic glass is a microalloy featuring palladium, a metal with a high "bulk-to-shear" stiffness ratio that counteracts the intrinsic brittleness of glassy materials.

"Because of the high bulk-to-shear modulus ratio of palladium-containing material, the energy needed to form shear bands is much lower than the energy required to turn these shear bands into cracks," Ritchie says. "The result is that glass undergoes extensive plasticity in response to stress, allowing it to bend rather than crack."

Neato. But can I get a house built out of it? I want see-through everything: walls, floors, ceilings, you name it. Except for the bathroom, that's my private sanctuary. You think I don't have one of those little rock gardens on the back of the toilet tank? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I used to have a bonsai tree too but my roommate's gas f***ing killed it.

New Glass Tops Steel in Strength and Toughness [berkleylab]

Thanks to ultrapony, who invented glasses that can correct a person's vision. WHOA WHOA WHOA -- SLOW DOWN WIT'CHA CRAZY TALK!

Jan 12 2011 How To: Turn Lighters Into A 'Lil Motorcycle


Ever wanted to turn a couple cheap box (aka "crack") lighters into a little motorcycle? Me neither. But I have wanted to light the weeds with them before -- and been successful! But if you are one of those DIY'ers with way too much time (and not penises) on your hands, there are a couple tutorials after the jump of how to put one together. Alternatively, just smash them on the ground and listen to them pop! Or -- OR -- I dunno, meth or something. Shit, get creative!

Hit the jump for picture AND video tutorials if you want to pretend like you're actually gonna make your own before realizing it's far too complicated and going back to World of Warcraft.

Continue Reading " How To: Turn Lighters Into A 'Lil Motorcycle "

Jan 12 2011 Windows To The Soul: Eyeball Closeups


This is a series of eyeball closeups taken by Suren Manvelyan. Why anybody would want to take a bunch of freaky macro eyeball pictures is beyond me, but I suspect Suren is trying to steal souls. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF POTIONS ARE YOU MIXING, WIZARD?!

Hit the jump for a ton more ookiness.

Continue Reading " Windows To The Soul: Eyeball Closeups "

Jan 12 2011 *Keep A Straight Face, GW -- Straight Face!*: Scientists Planning Mission To Probe Uranus


You think you're so special, don't you? Too bad an an advanced race of aliens have plans to probe Myanus. SO THERE!

Seen here looking like something somebody whipped together in under five minutes in Photoshop Microsoft Paint, scientists are developing a plan to probe Uranus. It may or may yes involve a rag doused in chloroform.

British space scientists are leading plans to send a probe to explore giant ice planet Uranus. They have put forward a detailed proposal to the European Space Agency to launch a joint mission with NASA to the distant world, 1.8 billion miles from the sun.

It would give scientists their first close-up views of Uranus since NASA's Voyager 2 flew past and captured fleeting pictures 25 years ago.

More than 160 scientists are backing the Uranus Pathfinder project which is led by Dr Chris Arridge, of University College London's Mullard Space Science Laboratory in Surrey.

He told Skymania in an exclusive interview: "We've only really scratched the surface of Uranus. It is very difficult to observe from Earth because any detail is smeared out.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel! But seriously: save your money, space agencies. I know the guy and you're not gonna find anything but hemorrhoids. "Jesus, not now, GW -- I'm eating!" Uranal polyps -- URANAL POLYPS!

Scientists plan mission to probe Uranus [csmonitor]

Thanks to Misty and Ford, both of which will be the first to admit they have zero to negative interest in ever seeing pictures of Uranus.

Jan 12 2011 Glow-Rollin': There's Cool, And Then There's TRON Segway Cool (Which Is Less Cool FYI)


As a man(child) who watched a whole family of helmeted tourists tumble down a hill on Segways at Venice Beach last weekend, I was drunk and definitely heckled them. Also, I saw a "street performer" (read: bum) jump onto a pile of broken glass barefooted after collecting $10 in donations. The American Dream is alive and well, baby! This is Segway some fanboy decked out all TRON-y.

For something so flashy, Brigante's method was relatively easy and low-tech. Using only white 2-inch reflective tape, a strand of blue LED Christmas lights and some electrical tape, Brigante took the plain black matte finish of his Segway and artfully applied the design using a mock-up model he made in Photoshop as a guide.

Start to finish, Brigante's mod time took around four hours. Total cost? About 15 bucks (Segway not included, of course).

15 bucks, really?! It looks so good I would've guessed it was in the $18-$20 range. Still, the question remains: who on earth would still want want to ride a Lightcycle when you could ride a LightSegway?! Absolutely everybody, including Woz? Oh.

Hit the jump for several more shots and a video of the glow-rider in action.

Continue Reading " Glow-Rollin': There's Cool, And Then There's TRON Segway Cool (Which Is Less Cool FYI) "

Jan 12 2011 Yes -- Superpowers, Here I Come!: Scientists Discover Thunderstorms Produce Antimatter


Antimatter my ass, those are UFOs!

Scientists, having accidentally pointed a telescope at thunderclouds instead of into outerspace (great job, guys!), discovered that lightning may give off antimatter, effectively explaining the long-running mystery of why getting struck can kill a person. BOOM -- VAPORIZED!

Such storms have long been known to give rise to fleeting sparks of light called terrestrial gamma-ray flashes.

But results from the Fermi telescope show they also give out streams of electrons and their antimatter counterparts, positrons.

It deepens a mystery about terrestrial gamma-ray flashes, or TGFs - sparks of light that are estimated to occur 500 times a day in thunderstorms on Earth. They are a complex interplay of light and matter whose origin is poorly understood.

Thunderstorms are known to create tremendously high electric fields - evidenced by lightning strikes.

Electrons in storm regions are accelerated by the fields, reaching speeds near that of light and emitting high-energy light rays - gamma rays - as they are deflected by atoms and molecules they encounter.

These flashes are intense - for a thousandth of a second, they can produce as many charged particles from one flash as are passing through the entire Earth's atmosphere from all other processes.

Somebody's gonna be playing on the monkey-bars during the next thunderstorm! Me, dummy, me. So like, how does this superpower thing work? Do you get the power you're thinking about the hardest when you're blasted? "Come on x-ray vision or invisibility. X-ray vision or invisibility. X-ray vision or -- anything you touch turns to fish-sticks..." *KA-KRAAACK!!* Fuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Antimatter caught streaming from thunderstorms on Earth [bbcnews]

Thanks to Skarett and TOM THE BOMB, who both have superpowers but haven't discovered them yet. Well they can't be that good, just sayin'.

Jan 12 2011 Consequences Will Never Be The Same: Simpsons Pr0n Parody Hits The Interwebs


When I think sexy I think one of two things -- 1. dinosaurs or 2. spray cheese. If I'm feeling really krinky I'll try thinking both at the same time but more often than not it leads to A) hyperventilating B) passing out and C) wet dreams. This is a Simpsons pr0n parody that at least had the decency (HA! -- decency! IT'S A SIMPSONS PRON!!!!!11) to only include adult characters. It's supposed to be a Homer and Marge sex tape, but also features Ned, Moe, Cookie Kwan, Senator Mendoza and McBain (NO APU?!), which the thought of alone is enough to make my penis cry meteor-sized kidney stones for the rest of its life (he's sensitive). But who knows, maybe you're into this sort of thing. I wouldn't admit it to anyone if you are, but maybe you are. And that, my (ex)friend, makes you a freak. And not the perpetually downtrodden and angsty kind that work carnival side-shows, but -- yes, actually that kind exactly. NOW GET BACK IN THAT TENT AND SHOW EVERYBODY THE NIPPLES ON YOUR BACK!

Hit the jump for a probably not that suitable for work video (moaning, PREVIEW OF A SIMPSONS PR0N PARODY) and a link to Fleshbot that has a bunch of SUPER NNNNNNNNNSFW pictures (only click if you want to be remembered as the guy who got fired for looking at hardcore Simpsons pr0n at work). You've been warned, now click away.

Continue Reading " Consequences Will Never Be The Same: Simpsons Pr0n Parody Hits The Interwebs "

Jan 11 2011 Do Want: Artist's DIY Plastic Model Of Himself


Of me. Not of him, weirdo. Fine, one of him too. But if you think I'm not gonna put his legs where his arms should go then TOO BAD.

Artist Wayne Chisnall went and made a full-scale plastic model of himself, still on the little plastic danglers (SPRUE) and everything. I'm not gonna lie, based on the torso alone I thought he was wearing jorts. Then I saw the leg parts and realized he's wearing jorts with some sort of jeggings underneath. Which, for the record, I don't hold against him. My body tightly until he agrees to let me try them on, yes. You know, or a knife. Kidding folks -- VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER. Unless your foe is inanimate, in which case flail and wail till you fail (read: collapse and piss yourself), champ.

Assemble Your Very Own Human with This Life-Sized Model Kit [gizmodo]

Thanks to Christopher, who never fails, only prevails.

Jan 11 2011 Joint-Rollin' iPhone App Meets Instant Success


Joints: if you smoke them they make you high. Poles: if you smoke them they make you gay. Ooooooor a lady. Or, in my case, a free spirit. Anyway, some jokers rolled out(!) a doobie-constructing iPhone app (that amazingly wasn't axed by the Apple Gestapo) and got over 25K downloads in a night. Wow, that's a whole lot of hipsters who can't roll a f***ing joint.

Three close friends who grew up together in Fresno, California have imagined a fantastical iPhone app that teaches users how to roll their own crowd pleasing, monster joints like a seasoned pro.

The Roll Your Own iPhone application shows users how to carefully master rolling techniques including the "Classic" and "Classic with Crutch". The preparation section offers user friendly tips on mixtures, papers, packing and crutches for an optimized rolling experience.

"While these numbers are exciting to us, two of us still live in trailers and I'm currently living at my father's home on food stamps," Noah told the iPhone Savior. "So, at this rate, I'm not anticipating moving out any time soon."


Weed Rolling App Attracts 25K Users Overnight [iphonesavior]

Jan 11 2011 What Could Go Wrong?: New Contacts To "Project Images Directly Onto Your Eyeballs"


Because honest-to-goodness laser-vision is still another 40 years out (I've been to the future and seen it -- I just didn't understand the technology), scientists are constantly making incremental steps in that direction. The next little "breakthrough"? Contacts that project images directly on the back of your eyeball that will eventually be determined cause blindness. Thanks but no thanks, Hour Eyes!

Researchers at the University of Washington have been working on extremely tiny and semi-transparent LEDs designed to be integrated into contact lenses. So far, they've managed to create red pixels and blue pixels, and when they can figure out green ones, they'll be able to make full color displays.

Despite being millimeters from your retinas, the images created by the lenses will be in perfect focus, and when the display is turned off, everything will be transparent. Since the lenses are inside your eyelids, though, you can't un-see anything that they decide to project, which is something that you'll have to consider when you're watching something especially scary or gross on them. Power will come from a beltpack that transmits electricity wirelessly to a resonating antenna in the lens itself, and data will be transmitted the same way so that you don't have to plug HDMI cables into your eye sockets.

Right, key words being, "CAN'T UN-SEE ANYTHING THAT THEY DECIDE TO PROJECT". Because if you think for one second I won't hijack everybody's contacts and burn a bunch of penises directly into your retinas, you've got another thing coming. Namely, permanent peen-vision. LOOK OUT -- YOU'RE DRIVING STRAIGHT FOR A WIENER!

Contact lenses will project images directly onto your eyeballs [dvice]

Thanks to Richard and Molotov Crocodile, who can both see with their eyes closed because they cut little holes in their lids. LOLWUT?!

Jan 11 2011 Body Wash Is For Ladies: Bar-Soap Grinders


If it makes you guys feel any better, I actually use body wash. As a matter of fact, I just reupped at Target last night. I'd tell you what brand I got but I was drunk and it looks like I accidentally picked up a double-pack of Summer's Eve instead. Just kidding, that's what I use. FEMININE FRESHNESS ALL DAY LONG, BABY! These are soap-bar grinders designed by Nathalie Staempfli to help cut back on packaging waste.

Swiss Nathalie Staempfli designed two ingenious soap dispensers that turn a soap bar into beautiful little soap flakes. One version attaches to the wall and allows you to use it with one hand. The other version is a grater that can stand by itself. It can be placed in the same way as a shower gel or shampoo.

Soap bars are more concentrated than liquid soap which has an ecological benefit: You don't transport water around the globe and they only use paper for packaging. The solid blocks can easily be piled and allow a greater space efficiency during transportation.

Pretty cool, right? I thought so. So cool, in fact, I replaced an organ-grinder monkey's organ with a soap-grinder and chained him to the back of my toilet tank. Sure he tries to pick bugs out my hair whenever I sit down to pee and smears his own shit all over the walls, but come on, I've got a soap-grinding monkey -- HOW COOL IS THAT?!

Hit the jump for a shot of the handheld model.

Continue Reading " Body Wash Is For Ladies: Bar-Soap Grinders "

Jan 11 2011 I'm Pretty Sure Somebody Brought That Back From The Future: Tokyoflash's Kisai Console


Got some leftover Christmas money burning a hole in your pocket? Check again. Haha, yeah I stole it when we were sitting next to each other. Also, I think I brushed your wiener. That was probably more action than you got in all of 2010 aside, this is Tokyoflash's latest design, the $200 Kisai Console. As you can see, it looks like it came straight out of a sci-fi movie. Plus I imagine it makes a great ice-breaker when striking up a convo with the ladies.

You: Can I buy you a drink?
Sessy Lady: Sure. Hey -- cool watch!
You: It's not actually a watch -- it's a sessy lady detector.
Sessy Lady: Why's it not going off?
Sessy Lady: Wow, you're a f***ing dork.
You: ...Reimburse me for the drink?

BOOM -- just saved you from even having the opportunity to cheat on your girlfriend! No need to thank me folks, just doing my civic duty. Also, regular duty. HIYO -- blogging from the can again!!

Hit the jump for another shot, a video demonstration (complete with blinky lights!) and another link to the product site.

Continue Reading " I'm Pretty Sure Somebody Brought That Back From The Future: Tokyoflash's Kisai Console "

Jan 11 2011 iPhone 4 Drops For Verizon February 10th


Are you trying to steal the Geekologie font-fade?!

In news that shouldn't surprise anybody who keeps abreast (or even abutt) of tech rumors, Apple and Verizon have announced the iPhone 4 is coming to "America's most reliable network" (and best store to drag a child through -- suck it, Wal-Mart!) early next month. So yeah, anybody tired of getting bent over by AT&T, now's your chance to jump ship (just watch out for pirate-lasers!). And for you existing Verizon customers who've always wanted an iPhone but had to pretend not to just to save face, go ahead and pop those celebratory boners. But, for those of you out there who still function with only a land line -- hi grandma! Thanks for all the holiday cookies! Lets see here....the Verizon version of the phone will also function as a 3G hotspot for up to five devices (likely for an additional monthly charge) but will not allow call-service while in use which shouldn't really affect any of you since you're all awkward as f*** on the phone anyway and wait for somebody to leave a voicemail and then text them back. HA -- LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOUR M.O.! (I do the same thing is the thing).

Verizon iPhone 4 will have 3G mobile hotspot [engadget]

Thanks to erica, Chris F., bamboozoo and The Superficial Writer, who can all make calls with their minds and don't need cell phones. WOW -- that's awesome, guys! *calling mutant police*

Jan 11 2011 Pews For Pirates: New Ship-Mounted Laser System Aims To Blind Would-Be Pirates


Seen here in an artist's rendition that we all could have done a better job Photoshopping ourselves, a new laser designed by BAE Systems is nearing commercial viability as a means of blinding pirates and preventing them from using their guns and rocket-launchers to attack ships. Wait wait wait -- blinding a bunch of guys already wearing eyepatches? Oh that's cold.

At distances of between 1.2km (0.75 miles) and 1.5km (0.85 miles), the laser beam acts as a warning signal, letting the pirates know they've been spotted, said Brian Hore of BAE.

"Today's pirates tend to be opportunistic. If they know they've been spotted, they're likely to look for an alternative target," he told BBC News.

At closer ranges, the green laser beam will dazzle them, making it difficult for the pirates to use weapons of their own, said Mr Hore.

Green lasers - which have been shown to interfere with eyesight - have been used by the US military in Iraq and to temporarily blind targets.

BWAHAHAHAHA! Your in-house "artist" didn't even get the color of the laser right! Why the hell are you even paying that guy?! "Because he's the boss's son." Oh. Ask him if he needs an assistant.

Laser cannon set to blind pirates [bbcnews]

Thanks to Holloway, Eric, STARCHITECT and Peter, who were so excited to read a story about pirates and laserbeams they could barely contain themselves. Me too, guys. (I actually tooted reading your emails!)

Jan 11 2011 Tetris Theme Played On Ocarina IN GAME


This is a video of Oliver Taylor (who I think we can all agree looks like an Oliver), who spent his winter break learning how to play the Tetris theme on Link's ocarina ACTUALLY IN OCARINA OF TIME. "You will never get that time back!" aside, he does a pretty amazing job. Except in the audio capture department, which can and will leave a ring in your ears. And not the good kind either (diamond, The One, prostitution) the bad kind (carjacking, promise, the one with that freaky girl that crawls out of televisions). Still -- hats off to you, Oliver. But women's panties? Probably never.

Hit the jump to watch the button-mashing magic in action.

Continue Reading " Tetris Theme Played On Ocarina IN GAME "

Jan 10 2011 One McSkull Meal Please!: Or, Indiana Jones And The PlayPlace Of The Deep-Fried Skull


This is a skull made entirely of McDonalds fries. No word whose skull it is, but I suspect he was French. French -- like the fries! Hit it, Fozzie Bear. "Wocka wocka wocka!" Thanks broseph, nice hat by the way. "Don't call me broseph." Whatever, duder. "I will violate you with a tree branch!" Not before I call the zoo and have your fuzzy ass hauled off! "You wouldn't!" I already did -- they're here now. TRANQ HIM, GUYS!

Behold, The McDonald's Skull of French Fries [obviouswinner]

Jan 10 2011 Heinz Automato: Automatic Ketchup Dispenser


These videos of the Heinz Automato are from 2007 (OLD!!!!!). I saw them a few years back, but apparently they're making their way around the internets again, so here they are in case you missed them. And, since we're at it -- *cue re-edited GI Joe PSA's*. I posted several different versions after the jump, but the first is by far the best in my opinion. Not that my opinion matters. But what does matter is size -- just ask any of my former dino-lovers. "He was way too big." BOOMSHACKALACKA!

Hit the jump and get your chuckle on.

Continue Reading " Heinz Automato: Automatic Ketchup Dispenser "

Jan 10 2011 Nature Of The Beast: A Peek Inside Godzilla


This is little cross-section of Godzilla from what I assume is the back of a Japanese cereal box. As you can see, he has none of what you'd expect to see on the inside. COME ON, THERE SHOULD BE HALF-DIGESTED JAPANESE PEOPLE FLOATING AROUND IN THERE! Also, what the hell are those weird metal tanks in his stomach? Is that part of his fire-breathing pyrotechnic system? Lastly, NOT COOL CROPPING HIS ASS OUT OF THE PICTURE. You know that's where all the sexy happens!

What Godzilla looks like on the INSIDE [blastr]

Thanks to twellve, who isn't as into giant radioactive reptile-monsters as I am. DON'T JUDGE!

Jan 10 2011 HowToGetAPostOnGeekologie, The Website


Intrepid Geekologie Reader Henward has been diligently trying for years to get a personal project posted on Geekologie. At first I ignored his emails because everything he came up with sucked, but then I started ignoring them just to spite him. Finally, he came up with howtogetapostongeekologie.com. Congratulations, Henward, you win. Basically the site mashes together some of my favorite subjects, and presents an internet fame-whore with a realistic idea of something I'd post. The suggestion in the picture is by far the best one, and I encourage you all to take part. Here, I'll get you started:

♫ *ting-ting ta ting-ting-ting*
G-dub's wiener -- rockin' everywhere!
*ting-ting ta ting-ting-ting*
But still barely clearing his own pubic hair♫

*Hulk-smashing wine glasses all over the place*
Because it sounds triple-platinum.

Official Site

Thanks Henward, maybe I'll finally be able to get my own project up on Geekologie!

Jan 10 2011 You Softy: Crying Women Make Men Limp?


A recent study at Israel's Weizmann Institute of Science indicates that a crying woman may, in fact, reduce a male's testosterone, rendering him little more than a whimpering man-child, incapable of sexual arousal. But what if I'm always the one crying?!

We found that merely sniffing negative-emotion-related odorless tears obtained from women donors, induced reductions in sexual appaeal attributed by men to pictures of women's faces. Moreover, after sniffing such tears, men experienced reduced self-rated sexual arousal, reduced physiological measures of arousal, and reduced levels of testosterone. Finally, functional magnetic resonance imaging revealed that sniffing women's tears selectively reduced activity in brain-substrates of sexual arousal in men.

First of all, I could have told you huffing lady-tears definitely isn't going to make anybody stiff. That's what fresh-ground tiger penis is for. Secondly, *snooooooort* BOIOIOIOIOIOIOING! See? No? OH REAL FUNNY, JERK!

Women's Tears May Reduce Men's Testosterone [neatorama]

Thanks to Gino, whose natural pheromones makes women so amorous he has to wear a sweat-collecting bodysuit at all times or risk constant molestation. Ditto, broski. Man we have it rough.

Jan 10 2011 Paper, Not Just For Rolling: Insane Paper Art


This is some sick-ass paper art created by Cheong-ah Hwang. Now I'm not sure if her work qualifies as papercraft or not (since I have no idea what papercraft is), but it does qualify as very f***ing impressive. There's a bunch more after the jump, about half of which are geeky, the other half of which are just amazingly made. *ahem* Not unlike myself. Kidding, I'm a one-off. If I was a pair of jeans I'd still be in the bargain bin at God's Factory Outlet with both legs sewn together.

Hit the jump and be amazed.

Continue Reading " Paper, Not Just For Rolling: Insane Paper Art "

Jan 10 2011 Milking It Dry: Mattel Rolling Out Questionable Analog 'Angry Birds' Games Later This Year


Suckle that teat much longer and you're gonna inhale a nipple!

Because knowing when to stop doesn't exist in the American business model, Mattel is releasing a series of 'Angry Birds' themed games later this year. This is 'Angry Birds: Knock on Wood', a $15 plastic playset in which players try to hit pigs with birds launched from a catapult (just like in the computer game!!!!!11). Are we having fun yet? Maybe for the first 30-seconds. There's also a card-based game in the works that will probably suck equal amounts of pig-peen, BUT I WILL WITHHOLD JUDGMENT UNTIL ITS RELEASE. Sike, it'll blow.

Full disclosure: I have 3-stars on every level (including Holidays) and all the golden eggs but only because I spend a lot of time on the john. Like, a lot a lot. 8 hours a day at least.

Hit the jump for two closeups if you give a cluck. Cluck! God I slay me.

Continue Reading " Milking It Dry: Mattel Rolling Out Questionable Analog 'Angry Birds' Games Later This Year "

Jan 10 2011 Robotic Dinosaur Home Security Systems


A $19,000 robotic triceratops that patrols your house taking pictures of would-be burglars: bad idea. A real triceratops with digital cameras taped to its horns taking 3-D pictures of your butt: dream come true.

In 2002, TMSUK developed the Banryu ("Guard Dragon") line of mobile home security robots.

The Banryu bots were designed to patrol homes and photograph and would-be intruders using a camera installed in their snouts, but their plodding pace (3 meters a minute) made them questionably useful. TMSUK later created a zippier, 15-meter-per-minute Banryu model (that could also detect carbon monoxide leaks), but sadly the whole "cybernetic dinosaur home security" trend never really took off.

Banryu -- why? Was he juicing before a Street Fighter tournament again? Zing! But seriously, what self-respecting robber is gonna be foiled by a slow-ass robotic dinosaur plodding around your house? Especially one that's worth $20K. They're just gonna steal it too! Ooooor have sex with it and not respect themselves in the morning. Ha -- respect themselves! Like I ever.

Hit the jump for two video demos of the dino-patrol. One with its skin off. Nasty!

Continue Reading " Robotic Dinosaur Home Security Systems "

Jan 7 2011 Kids Guessing The Use Of Old Technologies


This is a little video of a group of French [edit: French-Canadian] kids being handed pieces of old technology from the past 30 years and trying to determine what the hell they are. Objects include a Game Boy, old Coleco Vision cartridge, 8-track player, record player, floppy disks of various sizes, and an old rotary phone. I'm not gonna lie, the kids fail pretty hard. Which is weird considering I feel like MY generation is at least aware of the technologies of yesteryear. But maybe that's just us. Or -- OR -- maybe this is just French-Canadian kids. Just remember, kids: "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
BOOSH -- somebody's glad they saved their old Betamax player!

Hit the jump for three-and-a-half minutes of poor guessing.

Continue Reading " Kids Guessing The Use Of Old Technologies "

Jan 7 2011 Welcome Home -- We're Now Playing War


Daaaaaaaw, isn't that precious? I mean, besides the misspelling of "you're", which I can forgive a person four sense I have too editors and still storys get publishes with erors. This hole righting thing are'nt as ezzy as it looks!

Nerf Gun Battle Proposal is the Most Romantic Start of the Year [obviouswinner]

Thanks to Alan, who wrote a similar note except his read, "I'm standing behind you with a knife. Prepare to die." Now THAT'S romantic.

Jan 7 2011 Call Of Doodle: The Informational Graphic


Note: This ain't even a tenth of the graphic, click HERE to see the entire thing and get your learn on, soldier! (Knowing is half the battle is the thing)

This is an educational infographic all about the Call of Duty franchise. Now as I'm sure I've told you all before, I'm not allowed to play war games because the violence makes me threaten my neighbor's lives AND I AIN'T GOIN' BACK TO THE CLINK. You know what they do to you in there? Butt things. You ever walked around with your sphincter clutching a shiv for protection? I have, it makes you walk funny. Like a penguin. AND GW AIN'T DOING THE MARCH OF THE PENGUINS AGAIN! Same goes for elephant walks. *shudders* Now, where was I? Well, I think I was in the exercise yard the first time it happened. Oh right, in the article. I don't know yo -- it's a Call of Duty infographic, what the hell do you want from me?! *Please don't say 'that ass', please don't say 'that ass', please don't say 'that ass'* "That ass". SON. OF. A.

How Big Is Call of Duty? [milo]

Thanks to Trevor and not the dino you were looking for (I don't believe it!), who have to limit their first-person-shooter gaming to under an hour a day or they start raging out on the TV and breaking things. Wait -- it takes you a whole hour?!

Jan 7 2011 Use The Autoclave, Luke: Star Wars Back Tat


Looks like the Empire Struck HIS Back. ZA-ZA-ZA-ZING!

Not to be outdone by somebody's me-maw with a penchant for twinkly, twinky vampires, this guy went and got a back-covering Star Wars tattoo. As you can see, it's more Empire-inspired and includes characters like Megatron, Harmonica Arm and the Red Ninjas. Huh? WELL OF COURSE I'M QUALIFIED TO BE WRITING GEEKOLOGIE -- I KNOW MY SHIT, OKAY?! See that pile there by the dresser? That was me.

Star Wars Back Tattoo [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Christian, who, despite his name, breaks commandments all the time.

Jan 7 2011 Well It's About Freakin' Time!: 'I Am Rich' App Now Available For Windows Phones


A bottle of absinthe, a $500 phone app and a removed wristwatch? Somebody's trying to kill themself.

Remember the $1,000 'I Am Rich' iPhone app that doesn't do anything except let other people know you're actually stupid enough to pay $1,000 for an app that doesn't do anything? Well now there's a version available for Windows 7 phones at the low, low cost of $500. Jesus, now every peon and peasant in the countryside is gonna own the thing! Still, I recommend you buy it. That way everybody you're trying to impress actually knows you're rich. Also, about to get hit over the head with a sockful of Skittles and your wallet stolen.

I Am Rich App Hits Windows Phone 7 [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Sharon, who's so rich she actually signs up for 2-year cell phone contracts and then breaks them just to spend money. LOLWTF LADY?!

Jan 7 2011 Sexy Freaky As Hell Star Wars Pinup Posters


I don't care if it's a trap, I'm going for it.

This is a series of disturbing Star Wars character pinups by Yayzus Graphics. Now while most of you are thinking, "GAAAAH, MY EYES FEEL LIKE THEY'VE BEEN TASERED!", "JESUS, WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN US, GW?!" and "F***, I forgot to bring a lunch to work today", I guarantee there's at least ten readers out there that are really wishing their office doors had locks on them right now. And those people should all be arrested and jailed indefinitely.

Hit the jump for a bunch more, including a Tusken Raider and Greedo, either of which is capable of making a man go blind with lust.

Continue Reading " Sexy Freaky As Hell Star Wars Pinup Posters "

Jan 7 2011 'Spring Wood', The Flexible Wooden Chair


When you think wood, what comes to mind? Morning? Congratulations, you're a pervert. Your sad little AM boners aside, this is a wooden chair that's been cut to flex when a person sits on it. Mmmm, sitting: second only to lying down in my book!

Dezeen says each chair has 480 CNC-milled cuts, which provides a more giving surface for your ass to rest on. Designer Carolien Laro designed the first of her Spring Wood chairs by hand, and it took her more than 600 hours to emerge with a functional prototype.

Pretty cool, right? Of course, if a fat-bottom boy like myself took a seat it would probably break and collapse, leaving me with half a stump up my ass. Which -- *creeeeeaaaaaak, CRASH!* Oh, oh yeah -- that's the stuff.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a video demo of the chair. You heard me -- a video demo OF A CHAIR.

Continue Reading " 'Spring Wood', The Flexible Wooden Chair "

Jan 7 2011 Holy Hot Wheels, Batman!: Evolution Of The Batmobile


Note: Click HERE to see the whole, 100-car graphic.

This is a poster depicting the evolution of the Batmobile from its very first incarnations to the latest. It's super-inclusive. Like, 100 different versions of Batmobile inclusive. A lot of which I never knew existed. And most of those I wish didn't. Still, beggars can't be choosers. Beggars can pee directly on the sidewalk though, so they don't have it that bad.

Batmobile History [carinsurance]

Thanks to Igorlivzz, who's surprised Robin never rode a scooter. Now that you mention it, he does seem like a scooter kinda superhero, doesn't he?

Jan 6 2011 The Miracle Of Life ZOMG, WTF IS THAT?!: Remind Me Again To Never Get Pregnant


This is a video of a woman's stomach with what I can only assume is a full-sized 8-year old inside desperately trying to force its way out. VIDEO CANNOT BE UNSEEN. If you don't want to watch it (which I recommend not), I'll now describe the scene as poetically as possible: HOLY F***ING SHIT -- LIKE A SEA OF FLESH DURING A HURRICANE!!!!!11 Just sayin', remember the old adage, "Red sky at night, sailors delight. Freaky stomach in morning, seamen take warning?" It's talking about your sperms, yo! WRAP THAT DINGHY UP!

Hit the jump for the 'OMG, I'm never having sex again without at least 80 condoms, a half dozen Dorito bags, four Coach purses and a parachute on'.

Continue Reading " The Miracle Of Life ZOMG, WTF IS THAT?!: Remind Me Again To Never Get Pregnant "

Jan 6 2011 You Still Suck, George!: Promo Video For Upcoming Star Wars Saga on Blu-Rizzle


This is a short promo video for the upcoming (September 2011) release of the complete Star Wars saga on Blu-Ray, which is being billed as "the most anticipated Blu-ray release ever". HA -- I'd like to hear what the Twihards have to say about that! Still, dig around in my pockets all you want, George, you're only gonna find a couple dead mice. Get it? IT WAS A 'OF MICE AND MEN' TIE IN, YOU JAR-JAR JACKASS!

Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment will release Star Wars in three distinct sets to meet the needs of every Star Wars fan:

* Star Wars: The Complete Saga on Blu-ray (9-disc Set includes all six films)
* Star Wars: Prequel Blu-ray Trilogy (3-disc set includes Episodes I-III)
* Star Wars: Original Blu-ray Trilogy (3-disc set includes Episodes IV-VI)

Star Wars: The Complete Saga on Blu-ray will feature all six live-action Star Wars feature films utilizing the highest possible picture and audio presentation, along with three additional discs and more than 30 hours of extensive special features including never-before-seen deleted and alternate scenes, an exploration of the exclusive Star Wars archives, and much more.

Star Wars: The Complete Saga on Blu-ray will be available for $139.99 US/$179.99 CAN and the Star Wars: Trilogy Sets for $69.99 US/89.99 CAN.

"...in three distinct sets to meet the needs of every Star Wars fan". That's hilarious. But seriously, making the original trilogy available separately from those other CG turds is probably the most decent thing George Lucas has done in twenty years. Finally getting soft on your deathbed are you, George? "Uh, I'm not dying." Did you drink that tea I sent? "Yes". MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Hit the jump for a video preview which isn't really anything but scenes from the movies.

Continue Reading " You Still Suck, George!: Promo Video For Upcoming Star Wars Saga on Blu-Rizzle "

Jan 6 2011 Sock No More!: Underwear w/ Built-In Wiener


Note: Jump is NSFW on account of fake-ass wieners.

Seen here looking suspiciously like they Photoshopped some uglier a-hole's face on my body, a model models a pair of wiener-enhancin' underwear (which are far more advanced than THESE ones) from designer Andrew Christian. Way to call yourself out, Andrew! GEE, I WONDER WHO HAS A SMALL PENIS?! Haha, yeah it's me. :(

The Shock Jock Flirt Boxer and Brief. These revolutionary new skivvies feature a soft hidden cup, sculpted into a penis shape (available in black or white models!), that adds around 2 inches to guy's frontal measurement. "Guys want underwear that looks natural, feels great and makes them feel confident," says Christian.

No Andrew, guys don't want underwear that "looks natural, feels great and makes them feel confident", guys want underwear that makes it look like they have a giant submarine sandwich for a penis that women find twice as mouth-watering as a $5 footlong from Subway. Which reminds me: one time I stuffed a sweatshirt down my pants before a date and the girl was so impressed she couldn't wait to get back home. Literally -- she excused herself to the restroom and then dove out a restaurant window and ran. DAMMIT YOU SAID WE WERE GOING DUTCH!

Hit the jump for some NSFW shots of the wienerwear, along with a shot of the designer, who, despite his looks, is actually straight.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA -- did I fool anybody?!

Continue Reading " Sock No More!: Underwear w/ Built-In Wiener "

Jan 6 2011 Lazy Like Me!: The Snorlax Beanbag Chair


Now I'm not allowed to play the Pokémons because it's an irrefutable gateway to Satanism, but one time I watched a friend play over his shoulder (while I nonchalantly rubbed my genitals on his back), and I've got to admit: Snorlax is by far my favorite character. For one, he's lazy as f*** and only loves sleeping. For two, even dumpy-asses like myself can cosplay as him without feeling we're not doing the character justice (I also play a mean King Hippo). This is a homemade Snorlax beanbag chair. It's made for sitting and gaming, but you better believe it'll only be a matter of time before your cat's shitting in his belly like it's a litterbox. DAMMIT MR. TICKLES, HE DOESN'T WANT TO EAT THOSE! Oh -- HIYO! -- spoke too soon.

It's a Snorlax beanbag chair [albotas]

Jan 6 2011 Use The Force Shoe Horn: Star Wars Heels


Luke, I am your father (but I've been dressing up like your mother, I just thought you should know).

Ladies: the peep-toe high heels you were looking for, or the peep-toe high heels you didn't know you were looking for because you got Manolo mind-tricked by that catty bitch working in the shoe department. Huh? WELL OF COURSE I KNOW MY HIGH-END SHOE DESIGNERS! Louboutin, Paccini, Gucci, Giambattista Valli, Jimmy Ch-- you know what? I'm just gonna stop there. I don't have to prove my superior fashion-sense to you! I looked all those names up online, I swear. Did I say swear? I meant pinky promise. GAAAAAAAAAH I KNOW EVEN WAY MORE THAN THOSE!

I Need These Shoes- Star Wars High Heels! [screenteamshow]

Thanks to Jessie and Blaqk Panda, who agree it's not weird if a man's into women's shoes as long as it's just to have sex with them and not wear around the house in a pair your girlfriend's underwear. LOLWUT?! TMI, amirite?

Jan 6 2011 Air Velocity Surrounding A Flying Hummingbird Revealed Through Magic (Okay -- Science)


Ever wondered how a hummingbird pushes the air around while flying? Me neither. I've always been preoccupied with where my next drink is coming from and whether or not if you jump right before a plummeting elevator hits the ground if you'll survive. SPOILER: Nope (R.I.P. Dave).

As this rufous hummingbird hovers, laser-illuminated olive oil droplets show the resulting wake and yellow vectors reveal air velocity.

Uh, are you sure dousing a hummingbird in laser-illuminated olive oil was a good idea? I mean, from a culinary standpoint, absolutely, but it's gonna take a lot more than one to sate my appetite! 80,000-piece McHummers and an orange Hi-C, please! Just kidding. You guys do know I'm vegetarian, right?

Be sure to check out the New York Times article for a detailed article discussing the science of how birds fly.

Flying Machines, Amazing at Any Angle [newyorktimes]
Image of the Day: hummingbird in flight [dvice]

Jan 6 2011 Go Womens!: The Female Character Flowchart


Give a hoot, don't pollute go blind, click HERE to see the entire giant-ass chart.

There's nothing more beautiful than a strong, female character. Unfortunately, in this misogynistic world in which we live there aren't neaaaaarly enough. Now I know what you ladies are thinking, and no, Bella the vampire-babymaker doesn't count. She's actually the worst female character ever invented excluding all my ex-girlfriends. Who, for the record, could suck the life-blood out of a mortal man twice as fast. Mr. Nice Guy over here! Anyway, this is the flowchart of female character design. Some more info:

  1. This flowchart focuses on the one- and two-dimensional female characters we see over and over again in modern fiction.
  2. The graphic does not include every type of female character that has ever existed, but I did my best to focus on the most important tropes.
  3. Some of the listed tropes might be considered crazy-sexist, and others represent more positive stereotypes. The tropes are subjective, and they exist on a continuum of sexism. Consider Family Guy's Lois Griffin (who falls under the category of "Perfect Wife"). Lois isn't a particularly complex female character, and the idea of a fun-loving sexpot wife who stands by her man no matter what he does is kinda-sorta sexist, in that this character is a fantasy fetish figure tailor-made for adolescent male audiences. But as far as sitcom housewives go, I'd much prefer to watch a Lois-type character than a classic sitcom shrew like Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond. At least Lois represents a more positive (and sex-positive) stereotype.
  4. If you're a writer and you find that one of your characters fits one of the categories on this chart, there's no need to panic (or start yelling at me)! Two-dimensional characters are the backbone of fiction, especially fantasy fiction and most comedies.
  5. However, if you find that all or most of your main male protagonists are well-developed and all or most of your female characters are not, you should probably start worrying a little. (Chris Nolan.)
  6. When you get to the "love interests" section of this chart, be aware that it refers primarily to heterosexual relationships. It's not that I'm trying to be heteronormative; it's that, hey, we're talking about modern pop culture here. How often do you see homosexual rom/coms or long-term lesbian relationships on TV or in the movies? (Porn doesn't count.) The exception, of course, is The Wire, but then Kima and her girlfriend were obviously well-developed strong female characters who wouldn't be found in this flowchart in the first place.
  7. Obviously, this chart in no way applies that there aren't male stereotypes out there in the pop culture ether. There are. Obviously. But it seems like Hollywood has a significantly harder time writing non-stereotypical female characters than male ones, so I made this chart to help out.

Wow lady, way to NOT lose my interest, amirite?! Just sayin', did anybody else read all that? Because I actually did. And not just to prove that I can read long things like a grownup, but that's probably the most words I've ever read that weren't printed on the back of a cereal box. I like the ones that are just mazes!

The Female Character Flowchart [overthinkingit]

Thanks to Laura, who IS a strong female character. Oh yeah? *flexing abs -- okay, mushing rolls together* PUNCH ME AS HARD AS YOU CAN!

Jan 6 2011 For Shame, Lady, For Shame: 49-Year Old Twihard Gets Entire Back Tattoo Of Cast


Your crack's peepin'!

This is Cathy Ward. Cathy is a crazed Twilight fan (like most of them). She waited till she was 49 to get her first tattoo, which just so happens to be this monstrosity. Personally, I would've slept on the decision for another 200 years. Get it? Like a vampire -- those sparkly f***ers live forever!

The supermarket worker, from Reading, braved 22 hours in the tattoo artist's chair after months saving £2,000 [~$3,100] to put permanent reminders of stars Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner on her skin.

She was desperate to get almost the whole cast of blood-sucking characters on her back because she claims they helped her lose five stone [70 pounds].

Despite working in the cake department, she ditched calorie-laden foods in favour of getting stuck into the popular books and movies- and dropped 14 dress sizes in just six months.

She plans to save £2,000 more to spend another 12 hours under the needle as she eclipses her whole torso with the gothic tribute.

Obesity or Twilight fandom -- that's a tough call. Like choosing the lesser of two things that people will make fun of behind your back. Personally, I'd like to think Cathy made the right decision losing the weight, but at the same time, becoming a Twihard is a pretty steep price to pay. Reminds me of the time I sold my soul to the devil to double my McNuggets when I got home and realized I hadn't ordered enough. DAMMIT LUCIFER I WAS HIGH AND YOU KNOW IT!

Hit the jump for two more shots -- the broody movie poster that inspired Cathy's tat, as well as a full-face shot so you can REALLY appreciate just how dead-sexy most Twihards are.

Continue Reading " For Shame, Lady, For Shame: 49-Year Old Twihard Gets Entire Back Tattoo Of Cast "

Jan 5 2011 Pheonix Jones: Ace Attorney Real Superhero


Pheonix Jones is a real-life superhero that patrols the streets of Seattle at night gettin' his crime-bust on (also, tights). Now I know what you're thinking, and yes, he would look better without the tablecloth cape and athletic shorts. Yow yow -- take it off! *penis hits the pavement* Put it back on, put it back on!

Phoenix patrols Seattle's Capitol Hill neighborhood every week- stopping fights, feeding the homeless and helping folks who have run out of gas.

Unlike most movie superheroes, Phoenix doesn't have any super powers and he doesn't need them. He is made of flesh and blood and has gotten hurt. He deals with real criminals and puts his life in danger nightly.

The group includes Phoenix Jones, Buster Doe, Thorn, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88 and Penelope.

It takes a lot of tools to be a good superhero, and Phoenix has a lot of them.

He carries a taser nightstick, a net gun and a grappling hook. (Though he says the net gun and grappling hook are not very effective. The grappling hook was unable to support his body.) But he does not carry a gun or knife.

First of all, a superhero with no superpowers is just a crimefighter who likes to cosplay. FACT! Secondly, a grappling hook that's unable to support your body isn't a grappling hook, it's spending the rest of your life in a wheelchair just waiting to happen. MEDICAL FACT! Thirdly, good job, Pheonix -- if there were more people like you maybe society could be reborn -- like your namesake rising from the ashes. MYTHICAL TIE-IN FACT! I'm off to get drunk. FACTIEST FACT EVER FACTED!

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures and a news report video.

Continue Reading " Pheonix Jones: Ace Attorney Real Superhero "

Jan 5 2011 Zelda Twilight Princess Heart Container Tattoo


You know, from the GOOD Twilight.

This is a chick named Nathalie with her fresh Zelda: Twilight Princess heart container tattoo. As you can see, it's just about as sweet as ink comes. Now my little ladyfriend doesn't have any tattoos right now, but if she did I would definitely push for my face real big taking up her whole entire body something similar. You know -- or scales.

Hit the jump for a close-up. Good lookin', Nathalie.

Continue Reading " Zelda Twilight Princess Heart Container Tattoo "

Jan 5 2011 The Future Is Now!: Weather Toothpaste Changes Taste Depending On Forecast


Some "geniuses" at MIT have developed a computerized toothpaste dispenser that mixes a different tasting toothpaste in accordance with the day's weather. I swear -- what will they think of next? SPOILER: some kind of stupid f***ing robot.

The toothpaste is called "Tastes Like Rain." A little computer in the dispenser checks the Internet for the day's weather, and mixes together several different flavors of toothpaste accordingly. If it's going to be warmer than yesterday, you get a higher proportion of cinnamon toothpaste, and if it's going to be cooler, you get more mint. A blue stripe means it's going to rain

Alternatively, wake up and stick your arm out a window. Don't have a window? Congratulations, you live in your parents' basement. Don't have an arm? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. I bet you could still beat me in arm wrestling though. Still, my only concern is this: who the hell is ever gonna remember what yesterday's toothpaste tasted like? Pfft, and you MIT'ers pride yourselves on being so smart. Too much book-learnin' and not enough common senses! Like, oh I don't know -- smell. I've been tooting up a storm and you haven't even winced!

World's smartest toothpaste changes taste to forecast the weather [dvice]

Jan 5 2011 Slow-Motion Video Of Match Head Lighting


This is a slow-motion video of a match lighting at 2,000 frames-per-second, which ends up taking two-and-a-half minutes to watch. It's pretty neat, but not nearly as neat to think about as how the hell they managed to slow down time. *shaking videographer like a ragdoll* TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE HIDING THE WIZARD!

Hit the jump for a pyro's wet dream.

Continue Reading " Slow-Motion Video Of Match Head Lighting "

Jan 5 2011 Weird, He Doesn't Look Very Clean: Man's Body Turns To Soap Mummy After Burial


I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead for fear of their ghosts pouring laxatives in your chocolate milk powder while you sleep (I KNOW IT WAS YOU, CASPER!), but damn, for a guy whose body turned to soap after he was buried you look pretty f***ing dirty. Just sayin', a little loofah goes a long way.

"Soapman" lived in Philadelphia and was buried there around 1800. The body was discovered in 1875 during the digging of a train depot foundation. This unusual preservation occurred because water seeped into the casket and brought alkaline soil with it, turning the fats in his body to soap through a type of hydrolysis known as saponification. Soapman is kept in the National Museum of Natural History's Dry Environment room, where Smithsonian scientists can research how the body is preserved through chemical changes.

I don't know about you, but when I die I don't want my body turning into Dove or Irish Springs. No, I want it to turn into gold, just like King Tut's. "Uh, GW? That was just his sarcophagus". Was it? Or is that just what the Illuminati want you to believe? That's right, the "ancient" Egyptians were actually a race of highly advanced beings from Zexofl-- *being dragged off by men in white cloaks* Conspiracy -- CONSPIRACY!!

Two more significantly nastier shots after the jump if you're into puking.

Continue Reading " Weird, He Doesn't Look Very Clean: Man's Body Turns To Soap Mummy After Burial "

Jan 5 2011 Meanwhile, On Hoth: Fallen AT-AT Snow Fort


Crash and burn freeze!

Look outside, what do you see -- snow? No? Just a masked man mashing a dog turd under your car door handle? Haha, yeah I paid him to do that. Also, let the air out of your tires. This is a fallen AT-AT snow fort allegedly built by a man for his children. Suuuuuure it was. We're all friends here bro, no need to lie.

I know I know the scale is incorrect, but I wanted to be able to climb inside the head and I would have needed heavy machinery to get enough snow to get the body tall enough. I actually measured out my son's big toy AT-AT to get the different parts to the right ratio, but then that all went out the window when I actually started building it in the yard. At least you can crawl into the head (from the back side), through the neck and up a deck on the body. and then slide down it's ass.

Oh man, I remember the first time I visited Hoth and slid down an AT-AT's ass. Get it? I got wasted at Echo Base and mistook him for a dino!

Crashed AT-AT Snow Fort [nerdapproved]

Thanks to Hung Solo, who took the time to tell me he's ridden down a Wampa's ass before. LOLWUT?! Keep that shit to yourself, duder!

Jan 5 2011 Mega Millions Almost Hits LOST Numbers


I'm not gonna lie, I slept in this morning expecting to wake up a multi-millionaire from the $330-million lotto jackpot. But did I win? Nooooooooooooo, apparently somebody upstairs still holds that time I kissed a girl on a church retreat against me. GOD (literally, I know it's you), THAT WAS 16 YEARS AGO. Plus she's all fat and ugly now so you know I regret it! Anyway, the winning numbers from last night were only two off from Hurley's magical 4-8-15-16-23-42 and all the LOST fans that picked them took home $150. How 'bout that? WE'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO THE ISLAND! Just kidding, you guys go back to the island, I'M going back to the future. And if you think I'm not bringing back a newspaper with winning lotto numbers you've got another thing coming. Namely, indentured servitude. You ever gotten down on all fours to scrub behind a dirty toilet wearing nothing but a little Chippendale collar and shirt-cuffs? You have?! I say got-damn you krinky!

Mega Millions Lottery Numbers Are Almost LOST Numbers [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Das, who actually did win $150 by playing the LOST numbers. Black Smoke took home $300K, just sayin'.

Jan 5 2011 Don't Tell The Clowns: Robots Can Juggle


This is a disturbing video of a robot that can "juggle" two ping-pong balls using a paddle and a whole bunch of human-killing algorithms. I know the screencap looks like there might actually be four or five balls, but that's just because the little f***er is so damn fast. Accurate too. Now imagine if that were a knife instead of a ping-pong paddle -- he'd never miss your eye sockets!

Hit the jump for the robot in action. Unless you're a circus clown, in which case don't. Can't have any sad clowns killing themselves today. Also added an older video of a robot juggling a single ball, but in more of a traditional jugglin' fashion.

Continue Reading " Don't Tell The Clowns: Robots Can Juggle "

Jan 4 2011 So Whimsical: 'LEGO Thief' Stop Motion Short


This is another amazing stop-motion short made for LEGO by the same folks that brought us this stop-motion short. It even features the same modern-day wizard and everything. Which -- did you know 85% of people claiming to be wizards are actually just somebody's creepy uncle wearing a robe he bought at a costume store to gain access to children's birthday parties? It's true. True AND disturbing. More disturbing than true though because the figure's actually closer to 60%, I just wanted to put the scare in you young parents out there before you go hiring birthday entertainers off Craigslist. The more you know.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile film.

Continue Reading " So Whimsical: 'LEGO Thief' Stop Motion Short "

Jan 4 2011 WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!: Droid Lover


First C3, then Jar-Jar, and next thing you know you're turnin' freaky-ass tricks in a Mos Eisley bathroom stall. It's a slippery slope, bro, and from the looks of things you're at least halfway down with no trees to break your fall. Just remember: some of them aliens got multiple wieners. They're not gonna wanna pay extra!

Hey, We All Like Star Wars But...Damn! [nerdapproved]

Thanks to greg, who agrees there should be a special place in space-prison for droid-f***ers.

Jan 4 2011 Eclipse/Space Station Captured In One Shot


Note: Click HERE for the full-size, wallpaper-ready picture.

Now I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not Pac-Man trying to wrap his mouth around the one of the dark side of the moon's tits. I thought that at first though too so don't feel bad. Feel on my booty. Kidding, I can and will swing my man-purse if you try. This is a picture of a partial solar eclipse with the International Space Station making a surprise cameo taken earlier today. That's the ISS in the upper-middle section. The other blemishes are pimples but the sun will try to tell you they're "sun spots". NOBODY'S FALLING FOR IT, BUDDY! Also, if you could like, not come out tomorrow, that would be awesome. I've got a bet going with this little orphan, Annie. THAT BOTTOM DOLLAR'S MINE, GINGER!

INSANELY awesome solar eclipse picture [discover]

Thanks to Roger, who once viewed Uranus through a telescope but was so disappointed he sent an anonymous Home Depot gift card so you could buy curtains.

Jan 4 2011 There's Romantic, And Then There's This: China Now Offering Avatar Themed Weddings


Because Avatar tattoo guy needs a place to renew his vows to his wife (who you better believe he'll make dress like Neytiri), the Hunan Provence (not to be confused with the Hunan Palace, which is right down the street and has an $11.95 all-you-can-eat buffet that can make a grown man shit for days) in China is now offering Avatar-themed weddings in the actual mountains that inspired the floating ones in the movie. Except apparently they spared every expense possible.

Enter Xiao Tsao, a blushing bride-to-be who, as part of a multi-party wedding amongst the sandstone pillars, felt compelled to utilize the services of these exploitation kings. Sadly, the Avatar-themed wedding did not deliver, as they were unable to emulate the Na'vi created by Cameron. According to Tsao, the "Na'vi" were nothing more than forestry workers wearing long underwear dyed blue and masks: as a whole, very disappointing.

Disappointing, huh? *calling Expedia to cancel flight to China* Call your ecstasy dealer and break out the glow-necklaces, honey -- looks like it's a TRON-themed wedding after all!

Avatar-Themed Weddings Hit China [weirdasiannews]

Thanks to Melissa, who agrees the only appropriate theme for a wedding is love. Or Transformers.

Jan 4 2011 Employee Steals Nintendo 3DS From Factory


In a turn of events that shouldn't surprise anybody who's been willing to lose a job for a little recognition, a worker at the Chinese factory where the hairy palm and blindness-causing Nintendo 3DS (which isn't scheduled for release until March) is manufactured managed to smuggle one of the units out. Presumably in his rectum.

3DS Buzz spotted images allegedly snapped by one such factory worker showing off what appears to be a near-final 3DS from many, many angles.

Though an accompanying video shows Super Mario 64 DS being added to the cartridge slot, it seems that the unit is unable to run any retail games, only booting a black screen with the SDK version and memory information (96 steaming hot megabytes of RAM, for those wondering).

Do people get off on this sort of sneak-peakery? I remember all the Apple fanboy boners the leaked iPhone 4 fiasco caused, but you're not gonna catch me fingerbangin' myself to pictures of a gaming console that's gonna be released in two months anyway. Get it? The door's deadbolted!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a video.

Continue Reading " Employee Steals Nintendo 3DS From Factory "

Jan 4 2011 Girl You Glowin': Street Fighter/TRON Mashup


I haven't seen TRON because I'm afraid the 3-D might make me cross-eyed and my left eye already doesn't open all the way (McDreamy over here!). Plus I've been banned from every cinema in a 30-mile radius for "throwing popcorn", "impersonating an usher in order to touch patrons" and "selling candy out a bookbag inside the theater". What? I'm an entrepreneur, dammit!

BossLogic (aka the dude who did the "hyper real" Street Fighter art) banged out these wicked sick Tron-inspired Street Fighter characters over the holiday.

There's a whole bunch more after the jump, all of which are pretty impressive. Except for Vega. For some reason they made him look like a lady. I know he's supposed to be a pretty boy, but come on -- he's all man. Just sayin', one time I asked him for a back scratch and he punctured both lungs.

Hit the jump to get your glow on.

Continue Reading " Girl You Glowin': Street Fighter/TRON Mashup "

Jan 4 2011 *Humming Carnival Music* Step Right Up And Win A Prize!: Real-Life Angry Birds Game


Spotted somewhere in Guangzhou, China, there's a 200% chance this Angry Birds carnival game is 400% unlicensed and illegal to operate. And not just because all carnival games are rigged, but I have yet to hammer one of those rubber frogs onto a lillypad. Which -- you know the people that walk around the amusement park carrying those giant-ass stuffed animals like they won them? They're employees. Yep, it's all a ploy to get you to part with your hard-earned dollars playing impossible-to-win games. For shame, Disneyland. WALT IS PROBABLY ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE! Which, fun fact: is hidden right after the third turn in It's A Small World. Just kidding, he was cremated. But the last thing he did before dying was scribble Kurt Russel's name on a scrap of paper. Seriously. Put that in your unsolved mysteries notebook and doodle in the margin! "Rooooosebud...."

Angry Birds gets real... corporeal (in China, at least) [engadget]

Thanks to Maddie, who's convinced Walt Disney is still alive and slinks around the park at night like The Phantom of the Opera. Creepy!

Jan 4 2011 Boy, You Nasty: Pepsi's Plan To Liquify Food


PepsiCo, best known for producing a poor Coke substitute and once owning Taco Bell, has decided puréed food is the way of the future. Which, funny story, it is not. IT'S A MEAL IN A PILL, YOU MORONS! Jesus, did Willy Wonka teach us nothing?

"We see the emerging opportunity to 'snackify' beverages and 'drinkify' snacks as the next frontier in food and beverage convenience."

Mehmood Khan, a former Mayo Clinic endocrinologist who heads PepsiCo's nutrition group, said in an interview that it's outdated to think that snacks are dry and beverages are wet.

"Consumers don't wake up in the morning and say, 'I'm going to have a whole grain; I want a dairy product,'" Dr. Khan said. "They're looking for combinations of those things." Dr. Khan wouldn't specify what combinations might come next.

That...sounds disgusting. But also -- terribly convenient. So I'm torn. Still, as a guy who can drive a car, talk on the phone, text on another one and eat a hamburger all at the same time -- holy shit how long have I been in this ditch?

PepsiCo puts an end to chewing by 'drinkifying' food [dvice]

Jan 4 2011 Michelangelo!: NYC Manhole Shooting Sparks


This is a video of a manhole in New York City shooting sparks and flames like the Ninja Turtles decided their swords and sticks were too oldschool and upgraded to flamethrowers and lightning-launchers. It sounds like somebody popping popcorn though, so I wouldn't be surprised if Michelangelo put a metal mixing-bowl full of weed in the microwave hoping to hotbox Mr. Splinter's kitchen and get April high enough TO MESS AROUND WITH A MUTANT TURTLE. A teenage one.

Redditor dbs176 says: "So a manhole I was walking next to exploded into a 15' tower of flames in the middle of a busy NYC street. Good thing I took a video."

heatyweatywoo chimes in with a possible explanation: "I have a hunch this is an underground power transformer, or a severed cable hitting water and naturally occurring gas"

Whatever it was, I think we can all agree it's not the first time I've ever seen a manhole shooting sparks. Get it? 4th of July, 2007 -- My buddy Dave held a Roman Candle between his buttcheeks!

Hit the jump for a video of the devil trying to escape the subway.

Continue Reading " Michelangelo!: NYC Manhole Shooting Sparks "

Jan 3 2011 4-Year Old Narrates Her Dad Playing Starcraft


This is a video of a 4-year old girl (who sounds suspiciously like the 'Kittens Inspired by Kittens' girl, despite Dorspite what my awesome Photoshop skills would lead you to believe) narrating while her dad plays Starcraft for 15 minutes. Now I could lie to you and say I listened to the whole thing, but that would make me a liar, and if there's one thing I'm not, it's a liar. Or am I? Yes, pathological. Just kidding! Haha, I've got your head spinned so far around now you probably can't tell which way is up! Also, you look like the girl from The Exorcist. But if you even think about spider-crawling down the stairs backwards and you can bet your devil-lovin' ass I'm taking your head off with an axe. And not a sharp one either -- you're gonna suffer. Plus the weather man said there's a 125% chance I've been drinking so I'll probably miss with the first couple swings and take off an arm and a leg. Hopefully not my own, but stranger things have happened (one time in a bar fight I accidentally kicked myself in the nuts until I passed out).

Hit the jump and skip around for the cuteness.

Continue Reading " 4-Year Old Narrates Her Dad Playing Starcraft "

Jan 3 2011 'Pwn Your Hunger' With Gamer Food Bars


Whether you're PWNing noobs or just your own little nubbin against the toilet seat fantasizing about how dreamy I must be in real life, the human body needs energy. And while some of us can derive all the necessary sustenance from alcohol and candy, other (read: lesser evolved) folks need more nutritious ingredients. Enter Gamer Food, a line of prepackaged bars aimed at pasty, sun-hating gamers that previously existed entirely on Mountain Dew, Cheetos and broken dreams. $30 takes home 12 bars of deliciousness like Protoss Delight (almond cherry), Zerg Rush (cookie dough), Energy Bar (coffee sunrise), Health Bar (goji macadamia), Mana Bar (honey cashew) and Rage Bar (chocolate infusion). Or you can try four of every flavor for $60. In case you can't tell, they're made with the highest quality, all natural ingredients like *looking at picture* nuts, cherries and...animal turds? Nature's energy pellets, yo! Pac-man loves those things.

Gamer Food

Thanks to Katrina, like the Hurricane, not to be confused with Katrina, like my girlfriend's first Cabbage Patch Kid, whose head may or may yes be in a clear Tupperware on a shelf in my closet.

Jan 3 2011 Color Me Impressed: A Homemade Lightsaber


Alternatively, color me all messy and not even stay inside the lines. But whatever you do, don't color me with permanent marker. I have an important business meeting tomorrow and I can't be rollin' in there with penises drawn all over my face. Yes, yes I can too. THE GW KNOWS HOW TO SEAL A BIDNESS DEAL!

The Return of the Jedi lightsaber was made by Bradley Lewis and he documented his entire process over at Slothfurnace. Follow every step of the way, from pre-planning, to cutting, to wiring the lights and testing. It's a truly remarkable piece of work.

Hit the jump to see a video of the saber in action. It's got everything: lighting effects, sound effects, ground effects, domino effects, the Doppler effect -- you name it. Potentially life-threatening side effects? You better believe that shit'll kill ya!

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures and a video demo of the VWOOSHin' action.

Continue Reading " Color Me Impressed: A Homemade Lightsaber "

Jan 3 2011 These Bagels Taste Like Plastic!: Xbox Toaster


Some guy went and stuffed the guts of an XBox 360 into a fancy-ass toaster. It might not toast bread anymore, but you can blacken some noob asses with it! Also, watch streaming Netflix. THE FUTURE IS NOW, FOLKS!

Modder ncaruso11, aka (akatheguy2) gutted his toaster and turned it into the epic XToaster360.

I'm not quite sure why in the first video, the drive tray opens by touching something on the left side under the toast plunger, and in the second clip, he presses the toast darkness knob on the right. If I had my drothers, you'd actually eject the disk by pressing that toast cancel button that's on most modern toasters, and the DVD would go flying out of one of the toast slots.

Yeah? Well if I had my drothers (whatever the f*** those are), anytime you pushed the 'STOP TIME' button on a microwave time would actually stop so I could get down on all fours and look up my nanny's skirt. What?! A boy can dream, can't he?

Hit the jump for two video demos of the little toaster that could (play XBox games).

Continue Reading " These Bagels Taste Like Plastic!: Xbox Toaster "

Jan 3 2011 WHAT, NO SIDE OF WORLD DOMINATION?!: The Stewie Griffin Burger


The Stewie Griffin is a dried up lookin' cow turd of a hamburger that resembles the youngest member of the Family Guy household. Reminds me of a school cafeteria burger. Haha, no, not because of the face, but because you can actually see the gristle. Which reminds me: you remember that lunch-lady that had the mole with the hair growing out of it? Well one day (a Taco Tuesday if I'm not mistaken), the hair was gone. Needless to say I convinced myself it was in the cheese sauce and went hungry that day. Didn't even drink my chocolate milk. You know shit's gone south if GW ain't drinkin' his chocolate milk! Remember kids: strong bones are brown bones.

Hit the jump for a closeup of his gristly-ass face.

Continue Reading " WHAT, NO SIDE OF WORLD DOMINATION?!: The Stewie Griffin Burger "

Jan 3 2011 Nintendo Says Children Under Six Shouldn't Play 3DS For Fear Of Melting Their Eyeballs


Nintendo has released a list of guidelines to accompany playing the 3-D model of their DS gaming system, and among them is children under six shouldn't play the system at all. You know, since their eyes are still developing and Nintendo doesn't want them to pop out of their heads or something. *calling lawyer* Hello, Mr. Cochran? It's me again. I know you told me to stop calling, but listen -- I want to sue James Cameron. Yeah, I took my little sister to see Avatar and now she has a lazy eye. DAMMIT JOHNNY, SHE HAS TO WEAR A PATCH! The guidelines:

  • Quicker eye fatigue as a result of viewing 3D
  • Some 3D software can cause eyes to become tired quicker than other software
  • Nintendo recommends players take a break after 30 minutes of play
  • "If your physical condition worsens or you become ill, please stop playing at once"
  • 3D has different effects on different people
  • 3D slider allows a wider group of people to enjoy the system
  • 3D not recommended for children under the age of six as the vision of young children is still in developmental stages (like 3D movies and television)
  • "Since the Nintendo 3DS can be changed to 2D to avoid any effects on young children's vision, it is possible for anyone to enjoy playing it"
  • Once again, there will be parental controls for 3D

As a general rule, the worse something is for you long-term, the better it feels short-term. So obviously this 3DS system is gonna be the shit. I mean, if it can actually ruin kids' eyesight? Look out, masturbating!

Nintendo Warns Of Potential Health Issues For 3DS Users [geektyrant]

Thanks to Argh, Michelle and The Superficial Writer, who all agree this will stop less than 15% of parents from letting their little brats play the thing in 3-D.

Jan 3 2011 The Evolution Of Daft Punk's Stage Helmets


Note: Full-size version of the graphic HERE.

Daft Punk, best known for me tying strings to glowsticks and swinging them around my dorm room to 'Around the World', wear futuristic looking helmets in concert to hide their faces (I suspect they were both maimed by robots as children). And this is a chart depicting the evolution of their fancy helmetry. Pretty cool, right? It is. So cool, in fact, I've decided to start blogging with my own custom headgear. Sure it's just a styrofoam bicycle helmet my mom makes me wear so I don't bang my head on the monitor, but still. I put stickers on it.

Check Out Daft Punk's Helmets Throughout The Years [idolator]

Thanks to Gargamel, who, here, here's a Smurf. BITE ITS HEAD OFF -- DO IT NOW!

Jan 3 2011 2011, Now With More Mini Pet Panda Cows


A rare 'panda cow' named Ben (don't give it a people name!) was born in Colorado on New Year's Eve (just like baby Jesus!) and heralds a new era in stupid pet crazes. It took 44-years of careful planning and selective breeding to create the 'panda cow'. My son? Just two-and-a-half minutes of awkward sex. You wouldn't be able to tell by looking at him though! Wait -- you could? Don't tell his mother.

The so-called "panda cow" born in Larimer County is thought to be one of only about 24 in the world.

The miniature panda cow is the result of genetic manipulation. A white belt encircles the animal's midsection, and the cow has a white face with black ovals around the eyes, giving it a panda-like appearance.

The mini-cattle are bred solely as pets. Jessen says panda calves can sell for $30,000.

Miniatures range from about 44 inches tall on their tail side, on their hocks, but he can get up to 1000 pounds though -- so a pretty good-sized animal

First of all, anything that costs $30,000 and lives in your garage better be an entry-level luxury car. Secondly, pets cannot "get up to 1000 pounds". That is not a pet, that's a bunch of quarter-pounders just waiting to happen. That said: grizzly chickens -- put me on the waiting list.

Short video of Ben the miniature panda cow after the jump.

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