Giant 'King Koopa' Turtle Not As Extinct As Previously Thought (But Still Very Dead)

August 21, 2010


A giant-ass horned turtle (resembling Bowser) previously thought to be extinct for over 50,000 years may, in fact, have only died out 3,000 years ago. Break out the printing press, it's time to rewrite history books! Just wait till they find a live one.

Dozens of bones found in a 3,000-year-old archaeological site on Vanuatu [in the Pacific Islands] belong to a previously-undescribed species of meiolaniid, a turtle family that evolved 50 million years ago and resembled walking fortresses.

"This group of turtles is not known to have survived into the presence of humans. Now we can say that they met," said paleontologist Trevor Worthy of Australia's University of New South Whales.

The shell of one early meiolaniid species, known from fossils recovered in South America and named Stupendemys for its size, was 11 feet long and seven feet wide. The more modern Meiolania platyceps, found in Australia and Melanesia, had a relatively small five-foot-diameter shell, and weighed an estimated half-ton. All had armored club tails and horned heads.

Wait -- an eleven-foot shell? That's freakin' huuuuge. Listen, I love turtles as much as the next little zombie, but one thing's for certain: I wouldn't want one of these behemoths trying to crawl on my back and to fornicate. Get it?! Because turtles have sex so slow. This ass needs a rabbit!

Extinct, King Koopa-Style Giant Turtle Found on Pacific Island [wired]

Thanks to Jonathan, who may or may not be the actual "I like turtles" Jonathan. OMG -- lie to me if you have to!

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