Etsy seller Cleaner Science (bonus points for a clever name!) makes soaps that look like bacteria growing in petri dishes. They sell for between $2.75 and $12 depending on the size, glow-in-the-dark capabilities, and whether they're on a rope (highly recommended for prison use). Plus they come in a variety of scents that will leave your ass smelling grapefruity fresh. Which, fun fact: did you know a twerp is a person who inserts false teeth between their buttcheeks with the intention of biting the buttons out of the backseats of taxis? It's true. And snarfs sniff bicycle seats.
Thanks to Kerrie, who doesn't have to use soap because she naturally smells like lilacs but does anyways because she doesn't want to anybody to discover her superpower.