'Tis The Season....To Crack Nuts?

December 2, 2008


With Jesus's b-day rapidly approaching, it's time to bust out the eggnog and nutcrackers and have a holly jolly boozefest. Am I right? And what sort of holiday spread is complete without nuts? Man, I freaking love nuts. Filberts, walnuts, pistachios, almonds, I gobble them all. And you know what they say about almonds don't you? Eight almonds a day, uh, keeps pederasts at bay? I don't actually know if they say that, but I'm gonna start. Anyway, this is a Star Wars nutcracker set available from Hammburgler Slumlordicus (that's two in one day!). 99 coconuts takes the whole set.

Darth Vader stands 10" tall and is draped in a vinyl cape, capped by his signature black helmet. He holds his red lightsaber and is decorated with details including vinyl boots, his breathing apparatus, and chest control unit. R2-D2 stands 7" tall displaying his handpainted circuitry; his anterior louvered vents conceal the "cracker." Master Jedi Yoda stands 7 1/2" tall with his walking stick and his humble burlap robe. Non-functional, they are for decorative purposes only.

Now wait just a long time ago minute! Non-functional? How hard is it to make the damn things functional? Isn't a nutcracker just a freaking hinge? WTF! I'll tell you what -- you just can't bust a nut like you used to. Wow, did I just go there? I did. I went there, I raged, I burnt the village down, I came back, got drunk again, lost a shoe, and puked in the other one. Now it's all mushy when I walk. And it stinks. But I'd still drink out of it. Hardcore. HARDCORE!

Product Page

Thanks to James and Allison, who can both crack nuts between their pinky and ring finger because they're from that same planet Superman is from. Krypton. They're from Krypton.

Previous Post
Next Post