Back To The Future II Nike Air Mags Style Slippers

February 15, 2018

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These are the Back to the Future II Nike Air Mags style slippers hand-crafted by Etsy seller FifthAvenue5. They were available for $59 a pair but it says they're currently sold out so I'm not sure if they're gone for good or you need to contact them with a custom order. That's what I'm going to try. Sure I'll ruin them with the first mud puddle I jump in, but that's life. "Or you could avoid mud puddles." But if I avoid mud puddles, would I really be living? "Are you really living now?" The last time I felt alive I couldn't even legally drive. "So like 15?" No like 28 but my license was suspended.

Keep going for a handful more shots including one from the movie just for reference.

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Woman Rides Through Airport Security X-Ray Machine To Make Sure Purse Isn't Stolen

February 15, 2018

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This is a video from Dongguan, China highlighting a woman (seen here doing her best pin-up pose) who followed her purse through an airport x-ray machine "to ensure it wasn't stolen." How she was even able to get into the machine without someone stopping her is beyond me. And I should know, I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get into the x-ray machine at an airport. I've even tried pleading with the TSA agents. Please! My doctor charges a fortune for these things -- I just need you to email him a few screenshots.

Keep going for the video.

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LEGO Unveils 1,414 Piece Kessel Run Millennium Falcon Set For Solo: A Star Wars Story

February 15, 2018

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These are several shots of the just-announced 1,414 piece Kessel Run Millennium Falcon LEGO set being released sometime this April in time for the May 25th premier of Solo: A Star Wars Story. As you can see, it looks like the Millennium Falcon we're all familiar with but with some blue accents. No word on the price yet, but I guesstimate around $160 - $180. Will I be buying one myself? Probably not. Will I be stealing my nephew's piece-by-piece every time I visit? Only time will tell but yes, probably. World's greatest uncle award aside, why does it look like you can see minifig Lando Calrissian's penis through his pants and he knows it?

Keep going for one more shot and the minifigs.

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The View From Inside A Guitar With Oscillating Strings And Beautiful Landscape Backgrounds, Part Two

February 15, 2018

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This is Stringscapes, Vol Two from musician Alan Gogoll (previously: Vol One), which features the view of the strings oscillating from inside a guitar as Alan performs with some beautiful blurry landscapes in the background. It made me wish I was on vacation. Honestly, it made me wish a lot of things. If only my desk stapler were a magic lamp -- life would be so much better. At least 10%, right. I mean it would have to be. "Stop rubbing it like that." It's my stapler and I can rub it however I want. *sensually slips my hand under the handle AND POUNDS A STAPLE INTO THE SKIN RIGHT BETWEEN MY THUMB AND INDEX FINGER* Haha, I bet you weren't expecting that! "Jesus!" Now I wish I hadn't done that. "And I wish I hadn't seen it." And just like that we're down to our last wish.

Keep going for the video.

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Life: Bird Dies In The Nest He Built For His Concrete Lover After Trying To Woo Her For Five Years

February 15, 2018

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Government conservationists built a concrete flock of gannet birds on Mana Island, New Zealand in 2013 with the hopes they'd attract real-life gannets back to the island and repopulate it. Sadly, only a single gannet (affectionately named Nigel) returned, and fell for one of the concrete birds, attempting to woo her for five years until he passed away in the nest he built beside her on February 1st, 2018. My God, that's even sadder than the saddest Pixar movie scene. Per Department of Conservation ranger Chris Bell:

Nigel was very faithful to the colony...I think it must have been quite a frustrating existence. Whether or not he was lonely, he certainly never got anything back, and that must have been very strange experience, when he spent years courting. I think we all have a lot of empathy for him, because he had this fairly hopeless situation.

We've all been there before, haven't we? In a hopeless situation, giving it all you've got and getting absolutely nothing in return. "You're talking about spending your life savings on lotto scratchers?" Of course I am. Rest in peace, Nigel.

Keep going for a better shot of Nigel and two videos of him wooing his would-be mate while I contemplate whether a concrete lover is right for me.

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Finally, Some Decent Shark-Eating-Your Legs High Heel Boots

February 15, 2018

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These are the $155 Bite Me high heel peep-toe boots available from Irregular Choice. They look like sharks are trying to eat your legs. Ha, good luck getting those jaws past these massive calves! "You have chicken legs." I have flamingo legs.

There is nothing fishy about these jaw-some shark boots, so dive right in and grab yourself a pair of these killer peep toe boots. Featuring a shark upper complete with fins, a mouth opening with teeth and red piping, a red jeweled eye, glittery platform and chunky glittery heel.

Well they certainly make a statement, don't they? Granted I'm not entirely sure what that statement is, but I like it regardless. Kind of like you. I have no clue what statement you're trying to make either, but I still like you nonetheless. "I'm wearing a 'I HATE GW' shirt." I'm choosing to ignore that.

Keep going for a couple more shots while I yell at Aquaman for not saving Steve Irwin.

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Would-Be Burglar Knocks Accomplice Out Cold With A Brick

February 15, 2018

This is some security cam footage released by police in Shanghai, China of two would-be burglars trying to shatter a shop window with bricks when one accidentally shatters the other's consciousness instead. Although, to his credit, the other guy did run right in front of his throw. You're supposed to stand behind the thrower for safety, everybody knows that. This is just some all-around sloppy burglary. At least his friend tries to drag him away no-man-left-behind style instead of leaving him for the cops -- at least there's that. Out of a possible Ocean's Eleven I give them them a Kiddie Pool's Two, but only if ol' brickhead here actually survived to burgle another day.

Keep going for the whole video.

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'Batman Ninja' Anime Film Gets An English Trailer

February 14, 2018

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This is the just-released English trailer for 'Batman Ninja', an upcoming anime movie (digital release April 24th, Blu-Ray May 8th) in which Batman and a handful of other Gotham regulars get time-transported back to feudal Japan (previously: a Japanese trailer). A brief synopsis while I yell "It's Batman!" and throw a handful of Batarangs over my cubicle wall:

Batman Ninja takes a journey across the ages as Gorilla Grodd's time displacement machine transports many of Batman's worst enemies to feudal Japan - along with the Dark Knight and a few of his allies. The villains take over the forms of the feudal lords that rule the divided land, with the Joker taking the lead among the warring factions. As his traditional high-tech weaponry is exhausted almost immediately, Batman must rely on his intellect and his allies - including Catwoman and the extended Bat-family - to restore order to the land, and return to present-day Gotham City.

Admittedly, it still looks pretty promising. I don't want to get my hopes up as high as I mistakenly did on my last birthday, but-- "What happened on your last birthday?" I don't want to talk about it. "Come on, what happened?" Well I was stuck serving a weekend in jail but I still thought my cellmates would plan something special. "And they didn't?" No, they did. "What was it?" A sneak attack.

Keep going for the trailer while I use duct tape to practice sleeping with one eye open.

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