Nailed It: Plumber's Custom Car Decal That Makes Him Look Like He's On The Toilet

August 26, 2016

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This is Ontario based plumber Nick Huckson showing off the custom car decal he had made to promote his business. And apparently it's been working like a charm. And why wouldn't it? If someone has to choose between plumbers who wouldn't choose the guy you saw taking a shit in his truck?

Keep going for a couple more shots, one of which they got the angle all wrong. Now pretend like you're reading a magazine.

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75 Pounds, 2-Feet Long, Worth $100-Million: The World's New Largest Pearl

August 26, 2016

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These are several shots of the world's new largest pearl, a massive 34kg (75-pound) behemoth that measures a foot wide and 2.2-feet in length. For reference, that's about the same size, but not shape, as of one of my balls. They pearl beats the previous record holder (the Pearl of Lao Tzu, aka the Pearl of Allah) by some 61-pounds. Now that's how I like to win contests: by an insane f***ing margin. One year I'm going to enter that Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest and eat every hot dog there, including the other contestants'. Plus at least 22-feet of raw dog coming out of the wiener-shaping machine. I'm a monster and I like to win. This pearl was actually discovered by a Filipino fisherman ten years ago in a giant clam, who kept it hidden under his bed for the last decade, clearly after reading Steinbeck's The Pearl and learned a thing or two. Unfortunately, a house fire and the need to move caused him to finally hand the pearl over to a local tourism officer, who will probably reward the man with little to nothing. I know how these things work. Fingers crossed it's just a whale's tooth and this guy's been playing everybody.

Keep going for a couple more shots.

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Meanwhile In Russia: A Crazy Superhero Team Movie Trailer

August 26, 2016

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This is the official trailer for an upcoming Russian superhero movie titled Защитники (translation: Guardians). It features a team of four genetically modified superheroes fighting missile-launching robot spiders, modern Jawas, and a man who appears to be Bane's brother or close cousin. The Guardians consist of a guy with an electric whip who also has the power to control rocks, a bear-man hybrid with a gatling gun, the tattooed invisible woman, and a guy who looks like a Mortal Kombat character with two blades that form a hula-hoop. Apparently this Bane character wants to build a laser the size of the Kremlin so he can blow some serious shit up. "I miss IWatchStuff." Hey wiping tear me too.

Keep going for the trailer.

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Man Bathes In Bathtub Full Of Hot Sauce

August 26, 2016

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Seen here demonstrating the face someone makes when their penis is melting, Youtuber CemreCander bathes in the equivalent of 1,250 bottles of hot sauce. Plus some chili peppers tossed in for good measure. He even completely submerges himself and proceeds to lose his mind. Is it actually hot sauce? I dunno, you only see the stuff in buckets, not in bottles (allegedly the sauce was about to go bad so it was free). From the visible skin irritation and his reaction though, I half believe him. I've had hot sauce in my anus before and I can confirm it's no walk in the park. It's not even an uncomfortable butt-clenched jog through the park. It's an uncontrollable jetpack from hell ride through the park propelled by projectile diarrhea. Close your eyes and imagine one of those water jetpacks that are so popular right now. I caught serious air. So yeah, it's like that.

Keep going for the video, then leave a Youtube comment telling him to buttchug a shampoo bottle full of this stuff or clean the area around his tub, it's gross.

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Angry Desert Rain Frog Squeaks Like A Dog Toy

August 26, 2016

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Seen here looking more like concept art for an alien movie than something that actually exists on earth, a desert rain frog lets photographer Dean Boshoff know that its not happy with his presence. And can you blame it? That frog didn't asked to be filmed or photographed. You film or photograph me without my permission and I'd do the same thing. I mean, if that frog was swinging a broomstick with a handsaw taped to the end. I know the Battletoads!

Keep going for the video.

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First Year 4th Grade Teacher Produces A Rap Video For His Incoming Class

August 25, 2016

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Holy shit I used to love those clocks!

This is the rap video created by first year Chicago school district teacher Dwayne Reed welcoming his students to fourth grade and laying down some ground rules and expectations for the class. The whole thing was beautifully executed. I still remember my fourth grade teacher -- Mr. Besser. He had a glass eye he would polish when we were all taking turns reading. He wouldn't take it out though, he'd just give it a little spit-shine while it was still in the socket. He was a great teacher. I just tried to look him up online, but I couldn't find any record of him. I did see that my middle school principal is now the superintendent of the school district though, so there's that. Of course they spelled superintendent wrong on the website, leading at least one former student to speculate just what the hell kind of Micky Mouse education he was receiving all those years.

Keep going for the video, then wish you were in Mr. Reeds class.

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Let's Go: Potentially Habitable Planet Found Orbiting The Closest Star To Our Sun

August 25, 2016

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In news that has me doubling quadrupling my efforts to finish building a rocketship, astronomers have announced that there's a rocky planet orbiting within the habitable zone (where liquid water could exist on a planet's surface) around Proxima Centauri, the closest star to our sun. The planet, Proxima b, has 1.3 earth masses but orbits Proxima Centauri at just 5% the distance between earth and our sun because Proxima Centauri is a red dwarf with just 0.12 the mass of our sun. The teensy solar system is a scant 4.5-light years away, or the distance light travels in 4.5-years. So traveling at the speed of light it would take 4.5 years to get there. For reference, we will never get there. We will probably go extinct having never left our own solar system, or, in the very best case scenario, floating just outside our solar system praying for some aliens take pity on us. They will not take pity though, they'll see us through their googly eyes for the no-good planet-ruiners we are. Then they'll blast the ship carrying earth's last human hope right out of the blackness of space, and the whole galaxy will sound a sign of relief. Amen. *rereads* Man, that story did not include nearly enough alien sex, and I'm sorry for that. I'll take things in a different direction next time.

Hit the jump for two more pictures and a video, but feel free to tell your mom or anybody else that the picture above is a real photo of the planet taken by a probe we sent there and let me know if they believe it.

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Damn, Mother Nature: The Transparent Larva Stage Of A Moray Eel

August 25, 2016

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Note: The bright white dot in the lower right is its eye above its open mouth.

This is a video of a rarely seen moray eel larva swimming around and doing its thing prior to finding a quiet, private spot in the shallows to finish metamorphosing into a young, non-transparent juvenile eel. I had no idea moray eel larva were so clear. I also had no idea there are over 200 species of moray eels spread across 15 different genera, I thought there was just the one species. It just goes to show, you learn something new every day. Granted what we learned today wasn't important, but it was interesting. And that's my favorite kind of thing to learn, because if you forget it, who cares -- it's no big deal. It's not like forgetting where you left your car keys or the nephew you were babysitting. JASON WHERE ARE YOU?!

Keep going for the video of Ursula's future little bitch.

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