Real Things That Exist: iPhone Enabled Smart Socks

February 21, 2017


Because humanity is rapidly reaching its expiration date, these are the Classic Calf Socks With Plus+ technology sold by They cost $189 for ten pairs and each individual sock has a communication button that can connect to your iPhone (through an included transmitter) because this is the world we live in now.

Imagine your phone could communicate with your socks. Your phone would know:

which socks belong together,and could help sort them out,
how often you have washed your socks,
when your socks were produced,
when you ordered your socks and
when your socks were dispatched.

Your iPhone can also tell you if your black socks are no longer properly black [by taking a photo and comparing it to a chart] and help you buy new socks.

Wow, I can honestly say not a single one of those things is important to me. You know, BECAUSE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOCKS. Besides, the only valuable function a smart sock could possibly have isn't even included: GPS tracking to find out where that rogue son of a bitch is hiding.

Keep going for a video (turn on the subtitles).

Continue Reading →

Cast Of Upcoming Han Solo Movie Pictured Aboard The Millennium Falcon

February 21, 2017


This is the cast of the upcoming Han Solo Star Wars movie all posing aboard the Millennium Falcon. The film is scheduled for release May 25, 2018. From left to right: Woody Harrelson, co-director Chris Miller, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Alden Ehrenreich, Emilia Clarke, co-director Phil Lord, Donald Glover, and Chewbacca. So, uh, what is Woody Harrelson staring at? Whatever it is, I think Chewbacca sees it too -- everyone else is oblivious. Maybe it's...a dead person! Get it? Because Woody Harrelson was in that movie with that boy that could see dead people. "That was Bruce Willis." SCREW EVERYTHING STRAIGHT TO HELL.

Thanks to everyone who sent this, whose nerdboners I could actually sense through the tip line and made me feel uncomfortable.

Meanwhile In Russia: A Functional Hoverbike Test

February 21, 2017


This is test flight footage of Russia-based Hoversurf's latest hoverbike, the Scorpion 3. It looks like a lot of fun. It also looks like one fall and you cut your arms and legs off. *rubs stump fingers* I guess sometimes losing body parts is the price you pay for fun. I didn't actually lose my fingers having fun though, I lost my fingers learning what the switch above the kitchen sink does.

Keep going for the video.

Continue Reading →

Awesome Space Themed Birthday Cake With Planets And Galaxies Inside

February 21, 2017


This is the space themed birthday cake baked by Imgurian Pegadiddle for 4-year old Ilyas. It has planets and galaxies inside. Apparently the planets were made by pre-baking cake pops, then adding them to the cake batter before baking the rest of the cake. The other celestial objects were made by swirling food coloring. Admittedly, that's a pretty sweet cake, and I know what I'm asking my parents for on my next birthday! "An outerspace cake?" A pony! I'll just die if I don't get one this year.

Keep going for one more shot.

Continue Reading →

There Can Be Only One: Octopus Versus Crab

February 21, 2017


This is a video (actually two videos from different angles with one playing after the other) of a red octopus chasing a swimmer crab to eat. Things do not go according to the octopus's plan. I don't want to ruin it for you, so you should just watch it while I try to choke down this meal-replacement shake I'm supposed to be drinking for my diet. "That's just a McDonald's Shamrock Shake." Please don't tell my doctor.

Keep going for the video, but place your bets before it starts.

Continue Reading →

Encore, Encore!: Horse Plays Keyboard With Its Lips

February 21, 2017


This is a short video of Murphy the rescue horse playing a keyboard with his lips. He's very dextrous. I'm not sure what song he was trying to play, but it sounded like jazz to me. Some piano bar should hire this guy, he could make them a fortune. Plus you can pay him in oats and carrots. The only thing that would have made it better is if he started eating the keys while he was playing. It's what a goat would have done.

Hit the jump for the video. Also, if you stare at a horse's mouth long enough it starts to look really weird.

Continue Reading →

Nope: Latest Spa Treatment Trend Of Having Your Privates Sprayed With Liquid Nitrogen

February 21, 2017


Seen here about to get his genitals sprayed with -256°F liquid nitrogen (or possibly just vacuum enlarged), a wary man contemplates if he and his partner should just call it quits instead of trying to reignite the spark in their relationship. I bet she's just with him because of the cool tattoo anyways. 'Love misting', ladies and gentlemen -- it's a real thing now.

Cryotherapy UK, the company that concocted the procedure, offers a snake oil sales pitch that claims the procedure boosts endorphin levels and sex drive.

They claim: "when the sub-zero temperature covers the skin, the sudden drop in heat stimulates the temperature receptors" and improve your sex drive."

"While the skin continues to feel the 'freeze' the body sends signals back and forth to the brain," the spa claims. "These messengers tell the brain if there is damage to the tissues, to repair them."

"It's this that along with the instant endorphin level energy boost and natural high, generates a tighter, youthful, clear and vibrant genital skin appearance through boosting collagen."

Sure that's what Cryotherapy UK says, but actual doctors say the constriction of blood vessels can cause erectile dysfunction, the exact opposite of what you're hoping for. Plus the extreme cold can actually cause frostbite, damaging skin tissue and nerves so you can't even feel your penis anymore. Now I'm not saying if you willingly get your privates sprayed with liquid nitrogen that you don't deserve to feel them, but -- wait, I am saying that. Besides, you should hold out until you've saved enough money to get your entire body cryogenically frozen, because the future has no need for just your penis.

Thanks to Jarod, who failed to include a free spa coupon for a love misting with his tip. Maybe it got flagged as a spam because Gmail thought it was a boner-pill email.

Heavy Metal Performed On A Classical 19-String Sitar

February 21, 2017


This is a video of musician Rob Scallon (previously) performing some heavy metal on a traditional sitar. It was enjoyable. I just wish I could play an instrument. I also wish I could play well with others, but I can't so my mom bought me one of those 'DOESN'T PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS' t-shirts so the other kids on the playground know to stay away from me because I'll bite even though that's how you're supposed to play tag and rabies is a curable disease.

Keep going for the video.

Continue Reading →