Parrot Makes Perfect Squeaky Toy Sound When Squeezed

July 28, 2016


This is a short video of Kanji the African Grey parrot making a squeaky toy noise whenever his human friend squeezes his belly. That or the human is simultaneously squeezing Kanji and a squeaky toy because nothing on the internet is real anymore. I refuse to believe that though, I believe Kanji actually swallowed a squeaky toy. Whenever anybody squeezes my belly I giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Go ahead, try it. "I'm afraid I'll catch something." Like a Pokemon? "Like a disease." Very funny. Scabies isn't a disease, it's a contagious burrowing mite infestation.

Keep going for the video while I rub this medication lotion on.

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Finally, An Officially Licensed Snorlax Beanbag Chair

July 27, 2016


You know what the best thing about beanbag chairs is? "At least you don't have to sit on the floor?" Yeah.... This is the officially licensed $150 Snorlax beanbag chair coming from ThinkGeek this December (previously: a homemade Snorlax beanbag chair and 100% completely unlicensed Snorlax and Pikachu pillow beds). The chair measures four feet tall, two feet wide, and about a foot thick laying flat on its back. What do you think -- did that girl in that picture catch a Snorlax, or did the Snorlax catch her? We may never know! Thankfully we never cared to know so it's all good.

Keep going for one more shot at night.

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Scientists Find Mystery Purple Blob At Bottom Of Ocean

July 27, 2016


This is the mysterious purple blob that scientists manning the unmanned sea rover Nautilus discovered while exploring the ocean floor off the coast of California. What the hell is it? They're not sure. And I'm not sure that crab knows either, although he does flick it a couple times. Hey you -- ballsack, it's time to go the humans sent their robot down here and it has a vacuum arm attachment. Eventually they do suck up the blob to study, which measures a couple inches across and looks like a translucent sphere with some sort of lighter colored nucleus inside. When reached for comment about the discovery, my roommate told me 'that's a f***in' alien egg sac if I've ever seen one' and proceeded to start smoking weed in the living room even though I've asked him a million times to keep it in his bedroom until I'm done with work so I can concentrate. Cool, now he's just reading what I'm writing over my shoulder. Eat shit Derek, walk away right now or I'll tell everyone about that thing you do. Oh you know the thing! Fine, the penis thing with the jump rope and ceiling fan. Okay cool he's gone.

Keep going for the video.

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Woman Breaks Dress Code By Wearing Ponytail, Headscarf, Begins Cosplaying To Work

July 27, 2016


These are several shots of cosplayer June Rivas' recent work attire. The first was ruled by Rivas' boss to be in violation of the dress code due to her "cultural head wrap." Although apparently the cultural head wrap ban has since been removed from the list because it made the dress code sound super racist. The other five outfits? Totally fine.

Yahoo reports that Rivas' employer told her that "wearing her hair in a ponytail or donning a head scarf was unprofessional", despite the unnamed company's dress code simply stating that employee's clothing needed to be "clean and pressed".

The Yahoo story says she has since reported her boss (who is female) to the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, though in the meantime has found a workaround: cosplaying to work.

Heck yeah, cosplaying to work. Great way to stick it to the woman! You know I think that boss of yours is probably suffering from a case of what I and other practitioners in the medical field commonly refer to as 'a giant stick up her ass.' If you asked all of us on our lunch break somebody would probably suggest it's a yardstick before my colleague Dr. Stradler insists its a canoe paddle inserted paddle end up while we all sit back and think, "Wow, she went there," and close our eyes to visualize her imagery.

Thanks to Tina, who agrees it's about time employers rebranded Casual Fridays into Cosplay Fridays to boost worker morale and foam swordfights.

Dear God: Woman Puts On 100 Coats Of All Makeup

July 27, 2016


This is a video of Youtube personality Jenna Marbles putting on 100 coats of foundation, lip gloss, nail polish, hair spray and spray tan (on her forearm), as well as 100 fake eyelashes (50 per eye). The results? Well, you're looking at them. I like how the nail polish is so thick on her nails they look like bubbles, I think that's my favorite part. My least favorite part is absolutely everything else. She reminds me of the lady who lives three doors down from my grandma at the nursing home, AKA absolutely stunning. Yow yow! Call me, Ms. Eubanks, just don't forget to put your dentures in first I thought you were a child last time.

Keep going for the video, but feel free to skip around because it's all disgusting.

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Blue Line Train Station In Chicago Gets Struck By Lightning, Tracks Collapse

July 27, 2016


Note: Keep your volume in check, very excited women.

This is a video filmed by Twitter user IslesOfErin in a car full of ladies traveling past one of Chicago's blue line train stations when the station gets struck by lightning and debris on the tracks blown there by the storm causes part of the rails to collapse. That is pretty scary. Also, all those lights flickering and sparking at the beginning reminded me of watching Stranger Things. See? I can be relevant -- I know what's hip. Pokemon Go, Stranger Things, Tickle Me Elmo, toe rings. Maybe your mom can drive us to the mall after work and we can get our ears pierced at Claire's.

Keep going for two copies of the same video in case the Twitter one doesn't work.

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Creepy Robotic Worm Can Crawl, Climb, Swim, Fit In Ears Soon

July 27, 2016


This is a video demonstration of David Zarrouk's SAW robot. SAW stands for Single Actuator-Wave, because the worm is powered by a single motor that drives its wave movement though a rotating wheel. It can crawl, swim, and even climb narrow gaps. And, once some evil robot sympathizer figures out how to make the robots small enough, that narrow gap could very well be an unsuspecting person's asshole.

Keep going for a video demo.

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Why Am I Not Surprised: Naming Babies After Pokemon On The Rise

July 27, 2016


In news that shouldn't surprise any couple who's ever successfully caught the Pokemon of their dreams and gone home (or at least gone somewhere private like the top floor of Target's parking garage -- right, honey? *wink*) to get half-naked and sweaty and make a pocket monster of their own, couples naming their babies after Pokemon is on a steep rise. Like, the hill at the beginning of a roller coaster steep. Am I going to hold my hands up the whole time? You bet your sweet ass I am. According to Babycenter, a website that tracks trends in baby names, Eevee has climbed 1,377 spots from last year, Onyx 2,184 spots, and Roselia a staggering 5,859.

Additionally, the names Star (+2,040 spots for girls) and Ivy (+1,287 spots) are suddenly popular - perhaps inspired by the Pokémon Go creatures Starmie and Ivysaur.

Linda Murray, Babycenter's editor in chief, told BuzzFeed that she isn't surprised people are finding inspiration in Pokemon.

"We see babies named after TV show characters, celebrities, and even Instagram filters. Millennials are particularly attracted to technology and '90s nostalgia, which is one of the reasons we think Pokemon Go is already having an impact on baby naming trends among pregnant women."

The Starmie and Ivysaur thing being a little questionable aside, what do you mean people are naming their kids after Instagram filters? Are the children taken away from them afterwards? Call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to naming your kid after the location they were conceived? A good friend of mine (full disclosure: technically a bartender in Alabama whose name I can't recall) told me she named her first-born Nash, because he was conceived during a vacation to Nashville, Tennessee. See -- beautiful right? My firstborn? Uncle's Truck.

Thanks to Dieselnuts, who agrees if you're going to name your kid after a Pokemon, at least make it a good one like Magikarp or Zubat. Something they won't get made fun of for at school.