Remains Of A Medieval Man Reveal He Replaced His Severed Hand With A Blade

April 18, 2018

medieval-knife-hand-man.jpg

These are the remains of a 6th - 8th century medieval Italian man who researchers believe had his severed hand replaced with a knife, because that's what you do when you lose a hand -- you replace it with a weapon. Back me up, Captain Hook! "I'm gonna kill Pan AND that croc!" Oh, you. Tell Smee to bring us some more wine. And look out -- a mosquito just landed on your pants!

All the other male burials with knives at the site had their arms and their weapons laid at their sides. But not this guy.


He had his right arm bent at the elbow, the arm laid across his torso. Next to it was a knife blade, the butt aligned with his amputated wrist. Also at the amputation site, archaeologists found a D-shaped buckle, and decomposed organic material - most likely leather.

This suggests a leather cap over the amputated limb, a buckle used for fastening - and a knife attached to the cap, although the purpose is unclear. However, given the advanced healing of the bone, it is clear the man lived for a long time after his hand had been amputated.

I wonder what sort of tales ol' Knifehand would have to share with us. Because I'm guessing some GOOD ONES. And probably some terrifying drinking stories as well. You told him you were going to put that knife WHERE? Man oh man, you're too wild -- I would never drink with you. I'm serious, high five to that! *leaves him hanging* What are you, nuts?

Thanks to Sebastian LP, who agrees a modern man would obviously choose a laser cannon.

  • Deksam

    Just days before he was caught and executed,..
    Police A.P.B. "Be on the lookout for a man with a knife for a hand, in his medieval 30s"

  • Bling Nye

    They've already made an action figure of him, Happy Time Harry.

  • Jenness

    What's the Italian medieval name for "Mr. Stabby"? Pretty sure that would have been his nickname. Like 'Signore Coltellata' which sounds so proper.

  • GeneralDisorder

    If I lose a hand I'm getting a prosthetic dildo attachment. Don't judge. It'd be awesome.

  • The_Wretched

    pssst, it'll already be there.

  • GeneralDisorder

    Longer! Like The Penetrator from Saints Row.

  • Jenness

    I need you to create a story around this. Would it be for you or others or both? I need more details on this alleged "awesome"ness.

  • GeneralDisorder

    It's so painfully obvious I don't think I need to explain... Or maybe that's just the story I'm telling to get out of actually explaining since I hadn't thought that far ahead.

  • TheQiwiMan
  • Doog

    Ninja Assassin

  • Draco Basileus

    Masturbation would have been "interesting".

  • Bling Nye

    He was often confused as to why "peeling the carrot" wasn't an understood euphemism for masturbation.

  • Megatron Jenkins

    I can't upvote you enough for that, brilliant!

  • Big Dog on Krampus

    it turns into a variant of Five Finger Fillet known as One Wiener Wounding

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