Maybe The Universe Is Trying To Tell You Something: Front Porch Package Thief Receives Instant Karma

January 29, 2018

package-thief.jpg

This is a video of a worthless excuse for a human attempting to steal three UPS packages off somebody's front porch, all captured by the homeowner's Nest home security camera. Almost immediately after picking up the packages she slips and...I don't think ankles are supposed to bend that way (make sure you have the volume on to hear the agony). The getaway driver, who apparently decided to disguise himself as a very unconvincing Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, manages to carry his dearly beloathed back to the car before coming back for the packages himself. When reached for comment about the incident, the real Russell Wilson said he'd really wished they'd been Cowboys or Patriots fans instead. Also, to call around to all the local clinics to see if any of them have reported a human shaped turd admitted with a broken ankle.

Keep going for the whole video. Heist of the century (aka Ocean's Two) starts right around the minute mark.

Thanks to Dave L, who agrees there's a special place in hell for package thieves, and it's full of clamshell packaging and paper cuts.

  • Enkidu98

    Nice of them to provide the evidence the package thief needs to prove they were injured on the homeowners property and sue them. America!

  • JJtoob

    That looked like both ankle and knee dislocations. I was kind of hoping the same would happen to the dude, that would have been truly divine punishment.

  • Skagosi Unicorn

    This is why I let the universe sort shit out. It does such a better job than I ever could. That leg dangle *hork*

  • paperboy

    I could watch that ankle snap a billion times.

  • Irina Abramovich

    I wonder if she will have to get a face transplant after the embarrassment of the story for the next time she and her friend want to steal packages -- it would be funny if they got away with the theft and found like PLUS SIZE LINGERIE with dildos in the packages-- I would have nightmares forever!!=)

    <3 Thomas

    Hubree, will you marry me at a beach wedding?=) Yes, you are a perfect kitten straight out of God's penis!!=)=)=)
    Irina, thanks for being a good luck charm.=)

  • Chris Lev

    This is why you need a moat around your castle. I can’t believe he came back for the parcels.

  • Steven Newton

    It's brilliant, the fucker stole the packages so now it's easy as fuck to track him down, just look for someone visiting the ER with a broken ankle roughly around the time of the theft.

    Done.

    If he had put the fucking boxes back he'd probably go on to steal more packages elsewhere, now he's facing a federal offense.

  • Adibobea9

    I was surprised he didn't put the parcels in the car first, or try carrying the lady and the packages together…

  • TheQiwiMan

    Gross people are why we can't have nice things. :-(

  • GeneralDisorder

    I first saw this posted on Reddit at /r/holdmyfries with title "HMF while I break my leg stealing 10 pounds of packages."

    It was the overhead view and I was thinking "she's not that big... I'd do her."

    Then I saw the front porch cam. Sure, I'd still do her but I don't think I'd brag about it.

  • suppaimon

    That's what you deserve you package stealing Seahawk fan! Fuck the Seahawks and their fans. Worst fans ever!!

  • Nicholas Conrad

    I think your phone is autocorrecting ''sport" to "Seahawk".

  • TheQiwiMan

    ...I think you may be taking issue with the wrong element of their character...

  • FearlessFarris

    Package thieves are dirtbags. The only thing that could have improved this video is if the man had forgot to put his car in park, and it drove off down the street without him while he was trying to rescue his dirtbag girlfriend. Then he also broke his ankle, just before the home owner emerged with a gun to hold them both until police arrived.

  • Irina Abramovich

    It'd be funny if they held the thieves as hostages until the authorities arrived and then later the thieves sued the homeowner for wrongful imprisonment or whatever if they held them under gun point -- I haven't really studied the case in your example of your book of jealous lesbian psychology. Why not just move to a new neighborhood where there are no thieves -- it's the homeowner's fault, I believe.=)

    <3 Thomas

    Hubree: You're the L33TEST #1 Kitten EVARRRRR!!!!=)=)=)
    Irina: Let's have fun at the doctor's appointment today!!!=)=)=)

  • paperboy

    Homeowner's fault? A neighborhood with no thieves? Are you that fat bitch with the newly broken ankle and boyfriend with zero fashion sense?

  • Irina Abramovich

    Here I am logging into my other account, under a disguised name, to write about how fat and jealous paperboy is:

    I heard paperboy is jealous of home burglars and wants to change the dress code of all of the burglars in the world to dress like he does and he also wants to be a doctor for fat women with CANKLES!!!=)

    I am a strong supporter of all white neighborhoods where there is no crime.=)

    <3 Thomas

    Hubree,you're the bestest kitten in the whole white world and a gift sent down from heaven all the way from THE BIG BOSS, GOD!=)
    Irina, thanks for throwing up properly with me -- it was a pleasure seeing your smiling face by the toilet.=)

  • paperboy

    You're fucking retarded.

  • Irina Abramovich

    Thanks for your thoughtful reply, paperboy. I just know that if the person with the package lived in a better neighborhood with all white people that those thieves would've thought twice to try to steal them and would just go away!

    <3 Thomas

    Hubree, let's go dancing in Mexico!!!=)
    Irina, 92.5 lbs. in clothes in pretty NICE -- thanks for your support, ana-buddy!!=)

  • Steven Newton

    There is no such thing as a white neighborhood without crime, even those giant multi-million mansion neighborhoods have crime. It's part of being human, lotto winners in particular who move into those kinds of neighborhoods usually start doing drugs shortly after.

    Money breeds corruption, including drug use, petty vandalism, or whatever else.

    Not to mention the two dirtbag thieves are white from the video feed and they likely live in a white neighborhood. So... yeah, crime is everywhere, if you have laws you will also have crime.

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