Somebody Called The Police On A Cat In A Tree 'Armed With An Assault Rifle'

May 11, 2017

armed-cat-in-tree.jpg

Because people will literally call the police for anything (it's 9AM and McDonald's wont cook McNuggets!) , somebody in Newport, Oregon, allegedly (although I have my doubts) called 911 on an "armed cat" in a tree. No word if the caller was arrested for distracting police and wasting resources while I robbed a bank on the other side of town. Wait, what?

"Reports of an armed cat this morning were unfounded," police said. "The feline was contacted by our canine and was determined to be in possession of a non-lethal branch."


The officers ended the tongue-in-cheek post by stating the cat had been apprehended and charged with several offenses.

"The cat was given a verbal warning for posing with what could be mistaken as an assault rifle while wearing poor camouflage attire," police said.

Could you imagine if cats really could wield firearms? Humans would have gone extinct a long time ago. *me, bleeding to death on kitchen floor after trying to touch cat* I'm sorry...I just thought...you wanted me to pet you.

UPDATE: Cops lied, found picture online and posted to Facebook with false information. Smart thinking.

Thanks to Simon W, who's convinced you're supposed to call 411 instead of 911 and probably wouldn't survive in an emergency.

  • teenygozer

    Might have been a buddy of Rocket Raccoon!

  • Adam Brier

    Cat's don't have hands you fucking moron that called the cops, therefore this cat couldn't possibly have an assault rifle.

  • Chi Sam

    My God...your stupidity knows no bounds. Are you a drug-addicted imbecile?

  • Adam Brier

    Are you the fucktard that called the police on this cat? Bbbwbwbwbwwwwhaa
    Don't cry asshat, like I give a fuck what you think.

  • Chi Sam

    Nobody called the police. That's the point, you imbecile. You must have been conditioned to need negative attention.

    No high-power father like yours would have tolerated your sissy persona, so I'm guessing it was your mother that turned you into a complete imbecile.

  • Zoe Orona

    Hey look, someone who didn't read the article! It says that the story was fabricated by the cops - likely as a joke. Helps to read more than the title.

  • Big Dog on Krampus

    9 consecutive life sentences

  • Geekologie

    catnip is a hell of a drug

  • Bling Nye

    Don't be such a pussy.

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