Willow, A Hands-Free, Wearable Under-The-Bra Breast Pump

January 6, 2017

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I'm going to be honest: I don't know a lot about breast pumps. That's probably pretty shocking to hear from a man in a doctor's lab coat, but this is just for looks. When I first heard about breast pumps I thought they were for making your breasts bigger like a penis pump. Apparently that's not the case. Enter the Willow, a wireless, hands-free, under-the-bra breast pump that allows new mothers to multi-task while pumping iron. I mean milk.

Debuting at this year's CES, Willow claims to be the first truly wearable breast pump. It features two battery powered units shaped like, well, breasts, that you can wear under your clothes while you feed the baby, do household chores, drive and even sleep.


The two big standout features for me are the minimal hardware and sound. The Willow features only a suction cup and two other small parts, which you can stick in the dishwasher to clean. And say goodbye to the hellish pumping noise because it's quiet. Like, really quiet - I had to press my ear against it to hear it

Willows will retail for around $430/pair, which, I think we can all agree, is a lot more expensive than a traditional breast pump with a life-size picture of my face taped to it with the suction cup poking out my mouth. Close your eyes and imagine it. Pretty sweet, right? I'm a good baby. Now put me down for a nap, I'm tired and full.

Keep going for a couple more shots.

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Thanks to Stephanie B, who informed me a toilet plunger is not an acceptable substitute for a breast pump, even in an emergency. Good to know.

  • The_Wretched

    What a hilarious and silly device. I've I had the cash, I'd buy several and just hand them out to non-nursing women for the entertainment value.

  • Jenness

    This is awesome, better than the torture contraptions they have now that you have to pretty much disrobe and wear an odd bondage suit for. Anything that helps get kids with working moms not have to be on expensive chemical formula I'm all for.

  • Meh

    Terrible terrible.

    Not for long everyone will have a bag of piss in their pants so no one sees them going to a bathroom.

  • palpable ovaltine

    Kate Middleton?

  • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

    Goddamn internet has ruined me. I'm wondering where her hood is at.

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