Last Living Person Born In 1800's Celebrates 117th Birthday, Tells Secret of Long Life

November 29, 2016

worlds-oldest-woman.jpg

Seen here wondering if the photographer is one of her grandchildren who's finally come to visit is Emma Moran. She's celebrating her 117th birthday today (November 29th), and is the last known living person born in the 1800's. Is she actually the world's oldest person? I dunno, I always suspect the world's oldest living person is living in a remote village somewhere and doesn't know how old they are. "I remember Pangaea," I imagine them telling their great-great-great-great-great-great-etc-etc grandchildren, who happened to go to school with Jesus. What's Emma's secret to such longevity? Let me copy/paste that for you while I sippeth from the Fountain of Youth. "That's a Yoo-hoo." Ponce de León was trying too hard.

When Emma was born, in 1899, Britain was still at war with the Boers in South Africa. World War One was still fifteen years away and she was already 28 by the time the television was invented. She holds the Guinness world record as the only person alive born in the 19th century, but what's the secret to her long life? "I eat two eggs a day, and that's it," she told AFP News Agency. "And cookies. But I do not eat much because I have no teeth."

There you have it: two eggs a day, that's the secret. Now we can all live to a million if we want. Or, wait -- is it the cookies that's the secret? Or is it the toothlessness? I guess we'll just have to do all three to be safe. Now -- you run to the store for eggs and some Chewy Chips Ahoy and Pepperidge Farm Milanos while I dig around in the garage for a pair of pliers. This is going to be fun! Jk jk, this is going to hurt like hell and probably get infected and we'll both be dead before Christmas.

Thanks to Shauna P, who agrees nobody lives past 100 without the use of magic, whether they know it or not.

  • GeneralDisorder

    I think the real secret here was not getting blown to bits in the two "Great Wars" she lived through. She was 15 when WW1 started. She was 40 when WW2 started. Cripes, if she lived in Stalingrad she would have likely been eaten by her offspring during the siege.

    Also not being born male surely helps. Because had she been male she would have surely seen combat in the first world war and maybe the second as a commander.

  • Big Dog on Krampus

    the real secret to long life: 3 window bowls

  • D3Fd0ck

    3 bowls of tea!

    she forgot to mention the tea.

  • cock stain

    Who wants to live to 117 years old when you look like a wrinkled old shit subsisting on only two eggs a day and stale cookies?

  • GeneralDisorder

    Personally I never wanted to make it to 30 but here I am. About to turn 33. Still floundering at this life thing. I am glad I have a job. I could likely do better. But why bother?

  • Michael Knight

    there you have it.... secret to long life: no teeth.
    i knew my dentist wants me dead.
    i'm going to pull those suckers out tonight. look who's smarter now!

  • The_Wretched

    If you want to live for a really long time, calorie restriction is one way. Being healthy (eating vegetables, avoiding processed 'food', getting exercise and sleepting) will get you there.

  • scott19

    From the picture, I now know that I shouldn't get her a blanket for Christmas. She seems all set, and even has a jacket made out of an afghan.

  • yvonne-thomas

    It's been one yr since I left my old work and that decision changed everything for me... I started to work on-line, for this company I found online, for a few hrs /a day, and my income now is much bigger then it was on my previous job... My last month check was for $9000... Superb thing about this job is that now i have more free time with my kids...
    http://chilp.it/728813e

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