Meanwhile In Florida: Burglar Hiding From Cops In Pond Gets Attacked By Alligator, Drowns

December 10, 2015

alligator-attack.jpg

A 22-year old burglar in Palm Bay, Florida has drown after being attacked by an 11-foot alligator while hiding in a pond from local police. And that is why you don't hide in ponds in Florida. Back me up, Florida Man. Florida Man? "He's in the hospital." What happened? "He shot himself in the foot trying to answer his cell phone." Of course he did.

22-year-old Matthew Riggins told his girlfriend he would be in Barefoot Bay to commit burglaries with another suspect. Authorities received calls Nov. 13 about two suspicious men in black walking behind homes and investigated. Riggins was reported missing the next day.


Goodyear said sheriff's divers recovered Riggins' body 10 days later in a nearby lake and the injuries were consistent with an alligator attack.

First of all, the concept of telling your girlfriend you're off to go rob houses is a crazy concept to me. Hey honey -- gonna go break some windows and steal some TVs. Should be back and ready for some Kraft macaroni and cheese around eight. Unfortunately for it, authorities managed to locate the hero alligator and capture and euthanize it. God willing, somebody is having it taxidermied standing up and wearing an honorary neighborhood watch badge.

Thanks to Ashley S, who imagines McGruff the Crime Dog saying, "Now that's taking a bite out of crime," and putting his cool-guy shades on.

  • Ralfone

    I fuckin LOLD at that headline so hard.

  • Skagosi Unicorn

    Why the fuck did they kill the alligator? I hate Florida.

  • Bling Nye

    It behaved "aggressively" towards officers, meaning, it could've just been minding it's own fucking business.

  • Jenness

    Instead of killing the alligator they should have deputized it and given it a medal. Seriously, Florida is batshit.

  • Not again, Florida!! How do you constantly outdumb yourself?

blog comments powered by Disqus
Previous Post
Next Post