The End Of An Era: Kermit And Miss Piggy Officially Split

August 4, 2015

kermit-miss-piggy-breakup.jpg

Seen here during happier times, Kermit and Miss Piggy have officially announced their breakup. Maybe Miss Piggy finally saw through Kermit's promise that just one more kiss and he'll turn into a prince. Or maybe Kermit just got tired of Miss Piggy's diva attitude. Or maybe it was mutual. No word how they'll divide their friends, but I'm going with whoever gets to keep Animal.

Kermit and Miss Piggy personally informed members of the press at the live event, where Kermit revealed that he's now seeing another pig in ABC's marketing department.


"It's a day-by-day, moment-by-moment process," Kermit said. "Piggy and I have gone our separate ways romantically."

Miss Piggy then appeared to give her side of the story, putting all blame (of course) on Kermit's shortcomings. ""Dating moi is like flying close to the sun," she snorted. "It was inevitable that Kermit would drop down to the ground while I stayed in the heavens."

Kermit's Official Statement:

After careful thought, thoughtful consideration and considerable squabbling, Miss Piggy made the difficult decision to terminate our romantic relationship. We will continue to work together on television ("The Muppets"/Tuesdays 8pm this fall on ABC) and in all media now known or hereafter devised, in perpetuity, throughout the universe. However, our personal lives are now distinct and separate, and we will be seeing other people, pigs, frogs, et al. This is our only comment on this private matter. Thank you for your understanding.

Wow, I can't believe this is actually happening. Maybe love isn't real after all. Maybe love, like the cake, is a lie. Maybe the pitter-patter you feel in your heart when you think about that special someone is really just a mini heart attack trying to warn you that relationships only end in heartbreak. Maybe I'm just bitter. Maybe I don't have a heart. Maybe I have a penis where my heart should be. That would at least explain the doctor's face when he saw my x-rays.

Thanks to everyone who sent this, at least half of which expressed an interest in a long bath, a bottle of wine, and a good cry.

  • Mister Cerberus

    Nothing that happened since Jim's death is canon.

  • Kermit found out that Piggy cheated on him in a threeway with a Battletoad and the Black Power Ranger's frog ninja zord.

  • Esbat

    so sad that they are no longer romantically.. en-swined...

  • Jenness

    Wow. It's like anything remotely decent or sweet has to get ruined by 'progressives' who are really just rageaholic assholes who had crappy childhoods and want to teach all kids that life sucks, everyone's gay and if you aren't you are still probably being discriminated against and therefore can be a rageaholic entitled prick just like them.

    Jerks.

    I'm sick of this bitter life-view extending to muppets meant to entertain toddlers. Bad enough all the mommies die (and lots of the daddies) in every single Disney film FFS.

    Can we at least let children enjoy just a couple of years of rainbows and everything is great and parents don't die or split up and things can be ok? I get it - some kids don't have any of it - I didn't but you know what kept me sane? Knowing some kids did and that meant one day i could too - NOT - that life is a fucked up hellhole where the frog of your life ends up always leaving and you have have to pretend it's because your fabulous and not an angry fat pig and he's finally sick of your shit. Gee thanks assholes! Enjoy watching all those 4 years olds drinking outta their sippy cups saying "What's the point" until they puke.

  • Rad Chad

    You're not the only one who's sick of this pseudo-cynical, pretentious garbage.

  • Big McLargehuge

    Meh. Piggy is and always has been an insufferable bitch. She's the AntiKermit; selfish, impatient, judgemental, and mean spirited. Even when I was a little kid (before Jim's death) I thought that Kermit could do much better. I can see where you're coming from, and I would usually agree, but in this case I'm gonna roll with it.

    All that having been said: we all know that this is just a lame publicity stunt for their new show, right? The "we've abandoned our roots and all that made us loveable so we can pander to a demographic that no longer exists" Muppet Show.

    They'll get back together after the Network Execubots think they've sufficiently Pam-n-Jim'd us. If my eyes roll any harder, they'll detach from my brain.

  • Rene

    I bet it all was that fucking hog's fault

  • Big McLargehuge

    True story:
    I once had a dream in which Miss Piggy was frustrated that she and Kermit couldn't consummate their marriage. Kermit was trying to be calm and consoling. He stroked her hair and said "Gee, I'm sorry Piggy, I though you knew. We can never be like that together; I've got a cloaca and you've got a vagina." She stopped crying, looked up at Kermit, then slowly looked over at me and winked.

  • Rad Chad

    PIGFUCKER CONFIRMED. YOU WILL BE DEIFIED IN MY NEW CHURCH OF PORCINE POUNDING.

  • AtomicAcorn

    You sure it wasn't a nightmare?

  • Leland_Gaunt

    I heard it was because he identified as a toad. He's a hero for Toadsexuals everywhere.

  • Andyman7714

    Apparently pork sandwiches and frog legs don't go together.

  • Edward

    Irreconswineable diffrogses.....

    I'll go play in traffic now...

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