This is the $27 SURVCO Tactical Credit Card. It fits in your wallet and combines over 20 different multi-tool features including axe, seatbelt cutter, bottle opener, saw, wrenches, nail puller, spear and more. To work as an axe though it has to be mounted to a stick. That stick will not fit in your wallet, and I do NOT recommend using your penis. Just kidding, I 100% recommend using your penis and if you manage to cut down a tree, I'll give you a dollar.
Keep going for a couple more shots.
Thanks to Jesse, who agrees if you're only going to carry one card in your wallet, it should be Discover. Just kidding, it should be my business card. Call me, let's do brunch!