Because Japan: Breast Beautifying Hand On A Stick

December 16, 2014

breast-hand-thingy-1.jpg

This is the Oppai Taisou Hand, a $28 piece of plastic that's supposed to make your breasts look and feel better. From what I can tell from the pictures, it it works by dragging back fat around and adding it to your tits. That, of course, makes no sense. Thankfully, there's an even shiftier explanation:

Shindo explains that a woman's breasts are strung up by ligaments, and if these ligaments don't get sufficient movement, the fats in the breast will start to settle back against the chest muscles, resulting in unshapely, or even sagging boobies.


Oppai Hagashi supposedly detaches the breast ligaments from the chest muscles and directs the fats back to where they belong, restoring shape, while Oppai Yurashi resets the tension in the ligaments holding up the breasts, thus regaining elasticity and perkiness. The massage also improves blood circulation, which promotes healthier, beautifully shaped breasts.

Hey, I'm all for healthier, beautifully shaped breasts. I'm going to get one of these for my girlfriend for Christmas. Then as soon as she unwraps it I'm gonna snatch it away, break it over my knee and say, "Hey -- I've got two perfectly good hands right here, baby!" She will laugh, and I will look down at two mangled and bloodied hands from Christmas Eve's fireworks mishap.

Keep going for one more picture of the I have no clue.

breast-hand-thingy-2.jpg

Thanks to Monkeys with Guns, who's infinitely more terrifying than Monkeys with Rocks.

  • Bad Habit

    Um.... dumb question. Why not just use your own hands?
    Or better yet, your boyfriend's. I'm sure he'd gladly help.

  • Calvin Shafer III

    Holy shit dude... I damn near just fell out of my chair with that back fat comment. Bravo good sir, bravo! *begins slow clap*

  • Zachary Zarko

    A new product from the makers of the popular rag-on-a-stick bathing aid for obese people.

  • Jenness

    Why would anyone buy this? It's more work than using your hands. If they wanted to make something better they would have made a special robotic bra. *thinks* OMG I am so going to patent that.

  • Dani

    Your hands are now obsolete and not needed anymore! Now you can use the Oppai Taisou Hand!

  • ODwanKenObi

    Looks Legit.

  • disqus_k2QxOV9H7Z

    Step 1: convince women that having their breast gropped is good for them with a beauty product.
    Step 2: remove said product from market and don't allow anyone else to sell anything similar.

  • Madz

    Step 3: Profit

  • Wiley

    Replace this device with my hand. I will save Japan.

    (I see this only creating sag, and giving breast cancer to men)

  • steve holt

    oh japan. There is no end to your entertainment of the rest of the World.

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