This is the Goliath Birdeater spider (a member of the tarantula family) that entymologist Piotr Naskrecki recently stumbled across in the rainforests of Guyana while hunting for katydids. Factoid: On Tuesdays I go to church and pray for Mother Nature because clearly she's sick in the head and needs help. Just in case you find falling asleep at night a little TOO easy:
This furry spider is the size of a puppy, and thanks to hard claws on the tips of its foot-long legs, it makes a horrifying clicking sound when it scampers through the forest.
Every time I got too close to the birdeater it would do three things. First, the spider would start rubbing its hind legs against the hairy abdomen. "Oh, how cute!", I thought when I first saw this adorable behavior, until a cloud of urticating hair hit my eyeballs, and made me itch and cry for several days.
If that wasn't enough, the arachnid would rear its front legs and open its enormous fangs, capable of puncturing a mouse's skull, and tried to jab me with the pointy implements.
Note to self: never go to Guyana. As a matter of fact, never go to any country that even BORDERS Guyana. Or a country that borders a country that BORDERS Guyana. I actually saw a spider with a body about the size of a dime (aka too f***ing big) repelling from the ceiling of my balcony over the weekend so I opened the sliding glass door and tried to use a flip-flop to cut his line and flick him off the balcony but as soon as I made contact with the line HE DISAPPEARED. I'm afraid he's inside somewhere. Which is why I told a friend I got evicted so I could crash on his couch the last two nights.
Keep going for a couple more shots of the beast.
Thanks to Xlikinho, shem and Douggie, who agree it's only a matter of time before Mother Nature invents real-life headcrabs from Half-Life.