Picture related: Pizza with nuts on it.
18-year old Austin Michael Symonds was arrested after a customer caught him rubbing his balls on the pizza he had just ordered. Apparently Austin was pissed the customer had placed an order right before closing, and decided to take matters into his own
hands scrotum. Although why he was rubbing his balls on a pizza where a customer could see him is beyond me. Generally speaking though, the people who will rub their testicles on food to spite someone aren't the brightest.
Brent Bradley told cops that when he arrived at Papa Murphy's pizza in Georgetown, a city 25 miles north of Austin, he spotted worker Austin Michael Symonds "rubbing his testicles on the pizza he had ordered," according to a criminal complaint detailing the September 2 incident.
When confronted by the customer--who was there to pick up a large stuffed pie with Canadian bacon, pineapple, and extra cheese--the 18-year-old Symonds immediately apologized. "Man, I am really sorry, that was stupid," Symonds said, according to the complaint.
Bradley then asked Symonds how old he was. After the teenager answered that he was 18, Bradley said, "So you are old enough to know better than to put your balls on someone's pizza." "Yes," said Symonds.
red-handed red-balled, that sucks. Thankfully for Austin's testicles though, he worked at a Papa Murphy's, which sells take-and-bake pizzas instead of already cooked ones, so there was no chance of burning his change-purse on the pizza. Although maybe that would have been for the best. You scorch your nuts once and you'll think twice before dunking them in somebody else's French onion soup.
Thanks to GIBB, who agrees if you really want to rub your nuts on something, make it a soft towel after a shower.