Number Two With A Twist: How To Crap Like A Samurai

March 21, 2014


Allegedly this is a guide for how to crap like a real samurai. I have no clue if it's accurate, if they even used stand-up toilets, or anything else. I just like pretending I'm a warrior and figured some of you do too, so I'd post it. Although I always thought crapping like a samurai involved running a mortal enemy through with your sword, then crouching over the hole you just made.

The method his master taught for relieving oneself had been passed down for generations untold. When one would go to the outhouse, he would remove his right leg fully from his clothes. This was to give him full mobility. Yes, it would be odd to fight someone off when you were on the john, but imagine your feet being tied together when you were attacked on said john vs. your legs moving freely.

Secondly was body position and posture. The samurai would sit squarely on the seat, cross his leg so that his right ankle rested on his left knee (his left foot remained on the ground), place a hand on each knee, then straighten his back. Supposedly this aligns the bowels to help one from having to strain.

Admittedly, an interesting technique, but I've already perfected my own method of crapping. The GW way:

1. Hold it as long as possible.
2. When you finally feel there is no way you are not going to shit your pants, sprint to the bathroom, tearing off all your clothes on the way. ALL OF THEM.
3. Crush your penis in between the toilet seat and bowl rim because you were trying to sit down and put the seat down at the same time.
4. By this time you have probably already peed on the back of your legs, and are proceeding to crap. You are also probably crying.
5. Hang out for at LEAST 45 minutes. Remember: there's always more on the way.
6. Uh-oh, no toilet paper! Remember how you tore off all your clothes on the way in? Do NOT use them to wipe (although your roommate's towel is an option). Instead, get in the tub, point the shower head at your butt, and spread your cheeks.
7. That was fun, wasn't it? "That was f***ing awful." Haha, yeah, I don't know why I always do it that way.

Thanks to Side Effect, which may include irreversible bowel damage.

  • Guest

    There were outhouse-style toilets in Japan dating back to the 3rd century.

  • asdfadfs

    asians had that squatting type toilet not the chair

  • Alex Payne

    Samurai don't wear sweatpants and japan didn't have western toilets. A japanese toilet is floor level and requires a full squat to use

  • The Magnificent Newtboy

    That's a flippin' good point! I was genuinely wondering if it was real until I read that. Even nowdays they rarely have western style toilets in japan.

  • Guest

    There were outhouse-style toilets in Japan back to the 3rd century. They fell out of fashion and were never really what you'd call common but they existed.

  • Konstantin

    Even the Western toilets co-dating Feudal Japan times were predominantly of the squatting type. Ceramics and metals were pricey, and would you want to sit on a wooden surface of a typical outhouse? Even peasants are going to realize that it's better to squat.

    In principle, you can squat on one leg following the above instructions. Takes a bit of practice and good balance, but it seems like qualities they'd appreciate. I doubt it's actually helpful, but it's enough for there to be a belief and tradition.

    It sounds made up, and picture is definitely made by a person who knows absolutely zip about Feudal Japan. (The thing about pants, if it has any foundation in reality whatsoever, would not apply to armor. It would apply to traditional casual-wear.) But then again, it's Japan, so there's no way to be sure.

  • asdfadfs

    it seems to for samurai armor, all that waist and upper leg armor attaches at the belt and chest, you'd just have to untie one shinguard and they basically did have pants like that underneath

  • n11

    Hehe, this is an interesting article.

  • GW... Greatest day of your life is when you realize you can just jump straight to step 6.

  • Guest

    The technique is sound, but the illustration makes it seem like the bottom half of samurai armor is a pair of abercrombie sweat pants.

  • asdfadfs


    it basically was. the only thing actually attached to your legs was the shinguard. the cloth and studded leather(cloth with the leather plates sewn on) thigh guards were attached more or less like a belt and hung down, and the general waist armor(the wooden skirt bit) was like a belt and tied to the breastplate.
    the pants under it were sometimes like sweatpants and sometimes more of a divided riding dress

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