This is the Legless Pirate Cork Screw designed by Nick Lerwill and sold by SUCK UK for $15. You want one? I kind of want one. One time a guy at the bar made me bet him $40 he wouldn't screw the bartender's corkscrew into the skin between his thumb and index finger. He did it. He did it, and I ran. Sucks too because I liked that bar but I'm not risking running into him again. Not just because I owe him money, but because I owe him money and he's a f***ing crazy person.
Thanks to Lindsey, who opens bottles the old fashioned way: breaking the top off so there's no putting the cork back in and you have to finish the whole thing in one sitting.