Meet Canadian man Gilles Cyr. Gilles was attacked by a bear on his property in Grand Falls, New Brunswick last week while daydreaming about hockey and flannel. So what did he do? What absolutely nobody else in their right mind would -- grabbed that f***er's tongue and yanked on it as hard as he could. Apparently it worked too because Gilles wasn't mauled to death like you would have expected. I would have pretended to be a turtle.
"When I opened up my eyes it was on top of me -- with the friggin' noise, it's crazy the way it growls," he told CBC.
"His mouth was wide open right in front of my face so the last thing I remember I had his tongue in my hand and I didn't want to let go because he was trying to fight me off," he said.
"So he was hitting me with his claws, so I says, 'If you're going to hurt me, I'm going to hurt you too.' So he was biting his tongue at the same time," he added.
Midway through the scuffle, Cyr managed to flee and hid behind a tree.
The bear eventually lost interest and skulked away, leaving his victim with just scratches on his stomach and a bite mark on his knee.
Listen, I'm not saying Gilles didn't pull that bear's tongue to escape, I'm just saying it's his word against the bears, and he got permission to hunt and kill the bear after the attack. What did that bear find on Old Man Cyr's property that he doesn't want us finding out about? You think he's moonshining? Growing weed? Somebody call Scooby and the gang and let's get to the bottom of this.
Hit the jump for some wack-ass CGI recreation of the attack.
Thanks to Thac0, who doesn't get attacked by bears because bears f***ing know better.