Bad news -- we're out of strawberries and whipped cream.
In news I refuse to believe, a recent study from the University of Alabama at Birmingham (go Dragons!) suggests that the average sex act only burns 21-calories. Of course, the average sex act in Alabama is 30-seconds of dry humping at a honky-tonk bar, so you have to take that into consideration. It's cool, I lived in Alabama for 10 years so I can say stuff like that BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. Also, with the gusto that you tug on your wiener I'd say you're easily in the 40-calorie range.
The study, published Wednesday in the New England Journal of Medicine, contradicts many long-standing claims that sexual activity is a vigorous, fat-burning workout. Funded in part by the National Institutes of Health, the study results found that "false and scientifically unsupported beliefs about obesity are pervasive in both scientific literature and the popular press."
Most online claims about the calorie burning potential of sexual activity are based on one-hour increments, whereas this study worked off an average time span of six minutes per sexual encounter.
Ahahahaha, the average sexual encounter is six minutes! Not to brag or anything, but I can honestly say I've never had one last over four. I'm joking, I'm the world's greatest lover. My orgasm alone burns more calories than a bacon double cheeseburger.
Thanks to T8RO, who burns so many calories during sex he's had to start taking Weight Gainer 2000.