Uh-Oh: Harvard Professor Seeks "Adventurous" Female To Give Birth To Neanderthal Baby Using Artificial DNA

January 21, 2013


In "let's stop and think this through for a minute" news, a Harvard professor is looking for an "adventurous" female to give birth to a neanderthal baby using artificial DNA. If successful, the neanderthal child will grow up to be the most made fun of kid in the history of made fun of kids.

Professor Church of Harvard Medical School is one of the world's leading geneticists and believes his Neanderthal bone-sample analysis is now complete enough to reconstruct their DNA.

Professor Church's plan is to create artificial Neanderthal DNA based on the genetic code found in bone samples, then put this DNA into stem cells.

These cells would then be injected into a human embryo in the early stages of life, and would be strong enough to steer the embryo's development along Neanderthal lines rather than Sapien.

After a few days growing in a laboratory the 'neo-Neanderthal' embryo would be implanted into the womb of the surrogate mother.

Listen: I can't even BEGIN to imagine everything that's going to go wrong with this plan, and that's really saying something because I have a VERY active imagination. I seriously just spent the last fifteen minutes with a Cheez-Its box over my head playing space ranger and I felt like I was actually IN space. I'm going back as soon as I'm done with this post. But let's say by some longshot this does work out -- what about that poor neanderthal? He'll be the only one of his kind. Will he live in a laboratory? A zoo? SOCIETY? Do you think he'll need a drinking buddy? Because I'm kind of low on friends right now and he could make a good ice breaker with the ladies. Plus if they choose him over me I'll know it's time to give up on this life. Oh well -- back to space!

Thanks to neolardo and Thac0, who agree we should probably reverse engineer dinosaurs first.

  • GP

    Why not instead this scientist shoot himself with that gene? or why not shooting him with some wake up person genes so he can realize how monstrous is his idea!?

  • mick

    Don't worry about the ethical or practical implications. It's not true.

  • Sergeant_Poop

    Time to call Brendan Fraser.

  • Pui Che

    *SPOILER ALERT* that and/or this could turn into a real life Hollywooded predecessor to Alien versus Predator universe; with the mix NDA ended up being a acid-blooded aggressive being that resents the Homosapien "engineering" it, and later in life its NDA mixed with homosapien and result in a being that boast it self in intellectual, Strength and look down on its two predecessor race. The three races collide indefinitely.

    And i called it. In-case we look back for firsties.

  • BillGatesIsYourDaddy

    ....seeking "adventurous" female to inject DNA into....was this posted on Craigslist?

  • Guest

    At least the kid would be set for life if he/she became spokesman for Geico.

  • J6P

    I understand Pamela Anderson is looking for work.

  • jimmy

    TO ANY WOMAN OUT THERE WHO MIGHT BE CONSIDERING SIGNING UP FOR THIS, Read the small print first. You might be signing up to raise the kid as your own as well as birthing it.

  • Adam

    I think he was mostly proposing a path that could lead to the eventual cloning of a neanderthal, not that he actually is planning on doing it. Read the interview, they talk more about the possibilities of synthetic biology than about any plans for cloning a neanderthal. The "adventurous woman" quote is taken out of context, way to go journalism.

  • Idlethoughts

    This has dubious ethical implications, but it's kind of hard to stop someone from doing it now that it's possible. I'm really not sure how we should be dealing with this.

  • Idlethoughts

    Wait a minute, I'm fairly sure we have yet to successfully pull this off with other animals, so I'm guessing this was still a hypothetical experiment.

  • Joseph Fioramonti

    worst pickup line ever.

  • Girgear

    I'm pretty sure this is how super villains are made.

  • Tyler AitchKay

    This sounds like a high-concept sci-fi thriller that spielberg would make.

    I'd watch it.

  • Joam

    pic kinda looks like mel brooks.

  • Arkain

    So a crack pot scientist wants to inject an extinct race's dna into an embryo and place it within the womb of a woman who has agreed to go along with this in hopes that the product will be said extinct race.

    Can we say Jenova Project?

  • Bubbubsky

    Holy crap! We might get a real-life Sephiroth!

  • puny parrot

    a really ugly sephiroth with very strong bones.

  • Davo555

    Encino Man!

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