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Scientists Close To Proof Of Higgs Boson 'God' Particle

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According to entirely untrustworthy sources, scientists at CERN's Large Hadron Collider are close to proving the existence of the Higgs Boson, aka 'God' particle, the elusive bit of matter responsible for providing objects with mass. Alternatively, they might be even closer to creating a massive black hole and swallowing the entire Milky Way. IMPRESSIVE! (One time I tried downing a Snickers without chewing and nearly choked to death)

"ATLAs sees a small excess at a Higgs mass of 126 GeV [Giga electron volts] coming from 3 channels," CERN scientists wrote on Twitter. Put simply, the scientists have greatly narrowed the area they are studying in the hunt for the Higgs Boson.


But Fabiola Gianotti, the scientist in charge of the ATLAS experiment at the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, said the signal they have detected may or may not be the Higgs.

"I think it would be extremely kind of the Higgs boson to be here," she said during the seminar. "But it is too early" for final conclusions, she said. "More studies and more data are needed. The next few months will be very exciting ... I don't know what the conclusions will be."

Okay so I have zero clue what any of that meant, but that's not what's important. What IS important is destroying the Large Hadron Collider before they find God's particle. Have you scientists every considered maybe he doesn't want it found? Shouldn't we at least wait until 'MISSING PARTICLE' signs start appearing on light poles? "What the -- you just want to see if there's a reward." ETERNAL LIFE WILL BE MINE!

Scientists Close in on 'God Particle' [foxnews]

Thanks to Regular Josh, tetriz, Mark and Amber, who agree you don't go looking for a lost dog until you actually know it's lost, and the same should apply to particles. Amen to that! (Plus bonus God tie-in)

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