Because there is literally nothing the right vibrations can't fix, this Japanese eyeball vibrator is designed to remove under-the-eye baggage by "patented subdermal ocular jiggilation". Okay so I just made that quote up but it sounded pretty scientific, didn't it? I've been working on my doctor routine because eventually I'm going to march my ass into the hospital and come out with a rich old patient. Theeeeeeen make them sign over everything in their will to me. "You're sick!" I am -- with poverty.
This device, called "Eye Slack Haruka", has two modes "Hard or Soft". In the former setting, your eye luggage will be receiving mild electric stimulation while in the latter setting, it's gentle heat and vibrations.
Although this is Japan-only, importer Japan Trend Shop does carry it, albeit it at a steep $132
Alternatively, just do what I do and cry a lot. It probably won't do anything for the giant suitcases under your eyes, but it has been known to score me a free cone at Baskin-Robbins before. Food for thought. Specifically, the ice cream with the little pieces of gum in it.
Thanks to Carrie, who knows the real secret to vibration revitalization is sleeping on a washing machine.