Yeah, No: A Money-Shredding Alarm Clock
Have trouble getting up in the morning? Congratulations, you're human. Also, possibly depressed. JOIN THE CLUB. The mile-hi...no? You probably don't own a rocketship anyways! This is an alarm clock that slowly shreds paper money if you don't get up to turn it off. It's not very practical because 1. IT SHREDS F***ING MONEY and 2. if it's on your nightstand all you have to do is turn it off and go back to bed (or only stock it with old grocery store receipts!). Just make sure you don't accidentally hit 'SNOOZE' and then jump in the shower, because you might come out $200 poorer. Or even worse -- hear it go off while you're in there and slip and fall rushing out to smash it. You know they say 80% of household accidents happen in the bathroom, which is a shame because you're so close to a toilet. I've pooped my pants in the kitchen before.
Shredder Alarm Clock: You Snooze, You Lose Money [technabob]
Thanks to Erik, who wakes up the old fashioned way: to the sound of a cock crowing. Is that, uh, is that a sexual euphemism?