Apr 1 2011Not April Fools :( Bagged Keychain Turtles


Hang in there, Michelangelo!

As reported back in June 2008, Chinese street vendors have been selling bagged keychain fish for awhile now, but have since also moved to keychain turtles. WTF!?!? Zombie Jonathan is probably crying his lil' turtle-liking heart out right now!

Filled with colored water, each 7-centimeter long key ring encapsulated either one Brazil turtle or two small kingfish, and is filled with "nutrient rich" water, by which vendors claim allow the animals to live for several months.

Several months?! Those poor bastards won't last a week! Sooooooooo -- hypothetically speaking, how long do you think a street vendor could last in a car trunk? Also, what's the rule about carry-ons filled with zip-ties and duct tape on international flights? I'm asking for a friend. Okay, five friends (f*** yeah Master Splinter's coming!)

A couple more pics of the sadness after the jump.



Cruel and Bizarre Live Fish and Turtle Key Chains [helablog]
Depressing: Chinese Vendors Selling Live Fish and Turtles in Plastic Bags as Keychains [geekosystem]

Thanks to Kake-a-doo, who, meet me at the airport. I'll be the one with four turtles and a giant rat all wearing fake beards. Except Splinter, his is real. He will be wearing a bald-cap though.

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Reader Comments

fuckin chinese wierdos



I'd hit.

mow mow

@2 (poopoo) The fail wasn't in claiming first but really being second. The fail was saying first in the first place. Jackass.

Turtles need oxygen correct? I doubt there is any way they could live on what in that pouch for months...this is sad.

mow mow

Too bad it can't last months without Oxygen.

I never thought I'd ask this, but . . . does PETA have a special forces? Cuz I think sum turtles are in needz of sum liberayshunz.

Goddamn those people will sell ANYTHING.

Chinese street vendor: Hey you, want decorative baby in jah? Has face painted like dragon and glows in dark

Pedestrian: Is that safe? I mean...it's a baby...in a jar.

Chinese street vendor: Oh yeaaah, bery safe. Jah filled wit twinkies. Baby eat for weeks. Yeah. Buy one, five darra each...two fo eight fitty.

Sorry, had to drop the PC for the dialog to work. I know that not all Chinese people sound like long duk dong...mostly ;)

gee, thanks GW, now I'm hungry.

That's just horrible!

That's just horrible. What were they thinking?! oh wait, they weren't thinking when they created these death prisons.

Its Jackie Chan!

Oh nuffeen to rurry about Amewica. You shee our people have such very shmal penis. You Amewicans have such bulbous and mastadonic penis. What could we who have such microscopic penis poshibree hope to achieve?

Those poor turtles, stuck in a plastic bag till they die... those evil vendors... Why, oh why do they use such an impenetrable container. with absolutely no way of being opened ... Okay, most of you can suck it for deciding to leave the turtle in the bag, rather then getting a tank and removing the turtle from the bag, and placing it somewhere better.

Hey yall!

mow mow

Well hello there Alex. How's it going little lady?

mow mow

I'm hoping for someone would just steal all of those death bags and release those poor animals into a pond.

so this is some fucked up shit...

@13: That's the Japanese.

Hey, if your not vegan or at least vegetarian, STFU.

And yeah, this is an easily resolved situation... just buy all the turtles, cut open the bags, set them free. Oh, but you don't want to leave the vendors with cash in exchange for the turtles? Just draw a few $$'s on a piece of paper in green crayon, along with a few smiley faces with curly wigs. As if an elderly Chinese woman would know the difference, she's probably blind already!

This turtle-bagging is really sad and screwed up. Also, some of the above comments are pretty pathetic. Nothing like feeling superior by being racist!

Man all these people worried about a turtle in a bag, but likely don’t even think about the abused immigrant that picks their vegetable. In a stew or in a bag the only good turtle is Leonardo.

mow mow

@22 I think you are confusing racism with humor.

Oh and shouldn't you people be out hugging trees or something? Go kiss some poison ivy. I'm going to go get a nice huge steak for lunch and Im going to eat it rare.

mow mow

Wow thats horrible... when that baby turtle would taste so good they waste it in a bag!

But seriously, what the #!@$ is wrong with these countries. It's one thing to do to fish, we don't really consider them as important because they could be just feeders. But turtles like, have faces and stuff. Theyre cute. Plus they know kung fu if their name is michaelangelo.

Not cool chinese vendors. I'll never buy another one of your knockoffs or pirated CDs again, you tianaman square student killing, animal rights violating, 1-bullet shooting and then flesh harvesting while still alive bastards.


@ Rancid Dook -- No, I am not. Sad you can't see that.

If they are still alive i would just buy all and free them.

mow mow

Who want to taste my general tso?

mow mow

@ 26 & 28 -- That sounds like a noble idea, but then they will just bag up more and sell them, too.

Turtle bagging is terrible, but the real crime is teabagging. Just say no to nutsacks in your face.

mow mow

@jennd: What are you the Al Sharpton of Geekologie? Racism and Stereotypes are not the same thing. If you really think anyone on here has been racist then you clearly believe that nearly every stand-up comedian that ever existed is a racist.

mow mow

I just reported this to PETA, thanks for posting it.

I'm calling Betty White *and* Brigitte Bardot!!!

@people talking about releaseing turtles into a pond:

that is horrible for the invironment, turtles like these are among the worst invasive species

I just want to buy all of them up and set them free. Who would buy something like this? Oh Chinese wierdos.........where the hell is Peta when you need them??

@33, PETA are a bunch of assholes sometimes. They don't always apply peaceful means of dealing with a situation. Throwing paint on people with fur coats? What the fuck. I've read some of the people that had that happen to them, weren't even wearing real fur coats. I say just leave the people alone, if they're rich enough they'll go buy another fur coat, and then PETA just caused the death of another animal. Same with the turtles in the keychains. The vendors will just get more if they are messed with.

And I'm not saying that putting fish and turtles in keychains is right, but there should be some peaceful way of dealing with it rather than the crazier members of PETA going apeshit and destroying the stand, only for them to just go make another stand.

I'm sure that the people who buy them will just cut the bags open and keep them as pets. At least some of them, I hope.

I'm not a huge animal activist, but this is downright aweful. It hurts my heart to see those turtles in conditions like that :(

Ah. I bet they haven't experienced a walk-by punch in the face.

China: Loves pandas. Hates all other animals. Doesn't care too much for humans either.

@35: And we are the worst invasive species.

This reminds me of the pig at this place i volunteer at. He's stuck in a small pen for life now because YOU (meateaters) paid someone to feed him liquid waste (spoiled liquid food) For months of his life until it destroyed his intestines. He's not allowed outside becouse if he eats anything besides a special mush, it clogs his intestines.

Btw, feeding pigs liquid waste is common.

I'm pretty sure nothing is illegal in China after seeing this.


Screw cultural sensitivity, the Chinese are effing evil!!!! They have NO respect for biodiversity (think of all the crazy medicinal treatments - rhino/tiger penis viagra, etc.) and the ecosystem (rampant pollution-yes I know it also as symptom of their industrial revolution). They seriously need a reality check.



How is it possible for anyone to find that appealing?

FIRST........... suckers!

they probably know that wed buy them to set them free

This is so cute and so horrible at the same time!

I've eaten turtle before, I have no issue with thing going the natural way. That being said, this is just sick. They're freaking babies. A turtle can live 50-100 years and this keeps them alive for weeks? What's the points besides being cruel.

I would buy a turtle keychain, take it home, release it from the bag, put it in an aquarium and raise it to be big and strong.

Not surprised that this shit is going on in China, cruel people without respect for living things.


We better watch out because it's only a matter of time before China takes over the world and then it is likely we will be sold as noveltys

i am going to buy a bunch, raise them up in an aquarium, train them to be soldiers, use them to mount a resistance against the vendors, attach missile launchers to their backs, and then finally rally the army of turtles to take out the leader of the vendors! VICTORY!!!

or not

Hope, the next Tsunami hits China. Trash of mankind!

woke up to reading silly Chinese mannerisms. Bravo, good sir.

That's ****in terrible! I hope those people that do this get trapped in a bag of water them self's and get swung around and die!

This just goes to show how far a person will go to make money..Money to be made in a Nation with no morality ..Hell next year you may see bagged up old Chinese women for sale or little kids too .. Most of urban china is a moral waste land ..Let me re state that ..MOST OF URBAN ASIA is a moral waste land ...Been there lived all over south east asia

Live animals in a tiny "enclosed ecosystem" are a novelty and therefore a quick sell. It is a sadly common practice to fit live animals in small portable containers and it isn't only sold in the markets of China. There have been goldfish and betta fish put in to baseball size compartments built in to purses and shoes, wall hangings and boxes that only hold 1 cup of water.
People who buy these things should instead buy artificial- there are plenty of platic and sometimes mechanised keychain/desk devices that mimic a living animal in a tiny tank.

Asians have no souls.

WTF turtles breathe air....how would they last even a day in such a small bag????


I would buy that poor, little turtle, cut the bag open, and keep him as a pet. In PROPER conditions :)

thats so cruel! hw would they life to be squashed into a little bag?!

@Rancid Dook: saying "mow mow" every now and then doesn't make you any cuter...

On the topic: It's not only in China. It's sick, but posting comments here won't help too much I'm afraid.

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