Toilet paper: you wipe your ass with it (except this guy, who may use circuit boards). Sometimes you even use it to clean up spills. And sometimes you use it as a napkin and then don't understand when your stomach is upset later (SPOILER: YOU ATE DOODOO PARTICLES). Personally, I prefer unprinted TP because in 20 years scientists are gonna discover the dye they use to color it gives you butthole cancer, and I ain't getting another pig-butt transplant. I may be an organ donor, but if I find out somebody turned my ass into stadium hotdogs after I died I am gonna be PISSED. Probably from hell.
Thanks to Darren, who only uses bleached toilet paper because he's convinced it helps keep his o-ring sparkling.