According to a recently completed 20-year study, moderate drinkers (1-3 drinks/day) live longer than heavy drinkers (4+ drinks/day), but even the heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Haha -- I knew it! See you at your own funeral, teetotalers!
But why would abstaining from alcohol lead to a shorter life? It's true that those who abstain from alcohol tend to be from lower socioeconomic classes, since drinking can be expensive. And people of lower socioeconomic status have more life stressors -- job and child-care worries that might not only keep them from the bottle but also cause stress-related illnesses over long periods. (They also don't get the stress-reducing benefits of a drink or two after work.)
But even after controlling for nearly all imaginable variables -- socioeconomic status, level of physical activity, number of close friends, quality of social support and so on -- the researchers (a six-member team led by psychologist Charles Holahan of the University of Texas at Austin) found that over a 20-year period, mortality rates were highest for those who were not current drinkers, regardless of whether they used to be alcoholics, second highest for heavy drinkers and lowest for moderate drinkers.
*glug glug glug glug* To immortality! Now, who wants to see me rope-swing off the balcony over heavy traffic? Haha, what's it look like?! I couldn't actually find any rope, it's 25-lb test fishing line!
Thanks to Turbo The Mechanical Ape, Jordan, and whoever else sent me this whose email I couldn't find. I've been drinkning, I'm slorry!