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The Future Is Now: Scientists Succesfully Move Object Five Feet Using Tractor Beam

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Tractor beam, get it? Well of course it's not funny if I have to explain it! Huh? You got it right away and it just wasn't funny? Oh. IT'S THE ROCK TALKIN' I'M SORRY, OKAY? F*** am I itchy.

Yes, researchers at the Australian National University have created a device that can move small particles multiple feet using only light. Wow.


Here's how it works:

The device works by shining a hollow laser beam around tiny glass particles. The air surrounding the particle heats up, while the dark center of the beam stays cool. When the particle starts to drift out of the middle and into the bright laser beam, the force of heated air molecules bouncing around and hitting the particle's surface is enough to nudge it back to the center.

Pretty cool, huh? TOO BAD THE ALIENS HAVE HAD THIS TECHNOLOGY FOR MILLENNIUMS! How else do you think they steal away with people in the middle of the night without anybody noticing? And don't say secret underground passages either or you're gonna sound ridiculous. They're not mole-people, stupid!

Holy moly: tractor beams are now a real, existing thing [dvice]

Thanks to Jeff, who doesn't need a tractor beam because he can use The Force. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

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