New Earth-Like Planet Discovered, Crackpot Astronomer Says "Chance Of Life, 100%"
Listen bro, nothing's 100%. There are only two things in life that are given and that's regret and depression. Because one time I studied for an exam so hard I KNEW I was gonna get a 100%. You know what I got? A f***ing 0. I kept snoozing my alarm and never left the dorm. Long story short: I propositioned my professor, still failed the class, and had to take it again in the summer. And THAT, my friends, is what happens when you're 100% confident: a semester of office-hour HJ's for nothing.
If confirmed, the exoplanet, named Gliese 581g, would be the first Earth-like world found residing in a star's habitable zone -- a region where a planet's temperature could sustain liquid water on its surface.
"Personally, given the ubiquity and propensity of life to flourish wherever it can, I would say, my own personal feeling is that the chances of life on this planet are 100 percent," said Steven Vogt, a professor of astronomy and astrophysics at the University of California, Santa Cruz, during a press briefing today. "I have almost no doubt about it."
Two questions: do they have Unobtanium, and are the natives hostile? Because if you answered yes to the first question, regardless of the second, I say we nuke the whole damn planet and scoop up the pieces with giant space-nets. What?! I ain't taking an arrow to the face and I sure as hell ain't wearing a blue kitty suit and running around having sex with trees (BTDT, squirrel literally cracked one of my nuts).
Thanks to kanbo, Josh and Brent, who are already packing their bags.